I Miss This

I'm going back and looking at my blog when I posted in 2011 for a film project and I realize that I miss this. Shit.

It's been a long long time.

My oh my how Blogger has changed since I last visited.
Imagine my surprise the other day when I got a comment asking how I was doing! Thank you, faith, for wanting to know. =)

I haven't been on Blogger a lot lately probably because I have simply grown out of it to be honest. My last update was in January which, looking back on it now that it's July, was the beginning of my depression. Since then I started self harming, went to a counselor, got into a lot of fights with Oliver, made several short films about my depression, and pulled myself out of an anxiety disorder. I won't lie, looking back on some of these posts is triggering, but I'm in a much happier place now. I have a tumblr, which I suggest you guys follow if you want to keep up with how I'm doing (I post almost every day!). It even has the same name as this blog!
 Here's the link:
http://maddoctor17.tumblr.com/

Now that it's summer I'm focusing a lot on losing weight for my vacation to Hawaii with Oliver (how exciting is that?!). I'm currently at 126 lbs and want to be down to 115 by August 5th. I'm exercising every day, eating healthier, and living an overall healthier lifestyle. I created a page on my tumblr that will be focused on my weight loss (I'm also doing the 30 Day Challenge), so I really invite anyone who has a tumblr to check it out. =)

So yeah, that's what I've been up to. I may check back here ever few days, but I know I probably won't be updating nearly as frequently as I was a year ago, and I'm sorry about that. =/

Love,
Toni

I am tired, and yet I'd stay up all night for him.

Thank you to the lovelies who commented on my last post. I am very grateful for your words of comfort. And yes Olivia, I need to have tea with you soon! Everything is ok now. I'm at a very good place emotionally in my relationship. It's full of love and commitment and sex. Yeah...lots of that. ;)

But yeah I've been much better the last few days. Last night Oliver told me he loved me for the first time and I won't lie, it pretty much erased all of the negative feelings I was having throughout the day. I don't want anyone to worry because I'm not in any danger and I feel like this is the only place I can let out something like this, but I've been scratching at my wrists. Sometimes they hurt really bad and sting for a few days after. I haven't broken skin but sometimes it just makes me feel better to claw at myself. I don't know what prompted my moods to be default depressed, but when I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long they take over and I can't shake this sense of despair I get. I get annoyed with people, but I need them to make me ok.

But enough about that, I'm feeling ok now. On Saturday I was an extra for the film I'm working on as Assistant Director. I got to be the "hot girl" at a party with her shirt off making out with a guy (Oliver, also shirtless). It was the first time I've ever been knowingly ogled at...and it felt good. I have a pic below. I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning and maybe finally start to get back into shape. I'm still looming around 120, but you all now I want to be smaller!

♥ Toni
P.S. -  photos from the shoot

him with his shirt off (ain't he sexy?)

us during a take making out on the right

P.P.S. THINSPO!

"It was just organic."

It's amazing how I can go from being in an elated mood to a shitty one when my mind lingers on things I don't want to visualize. My stomach is growling but I feel like throwing up and crying. I'll just go to sleep.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to eat the next day.

And then I do and I feel like a fat fucking failure. I feel so bloated right now, and I never feel bloated. I don't want to eat tomorrow. At all.

Hoorah

100 followers! You are the best, all of you. It took me a little over a year, but 100 followers is kind of a big thing for me. I'm very very grateful for your guys' support.

But behind my happiness I'm sitting in my apartment living room, kind of falling apart. I have no fucking reason to be feeling like this at all. I'm at a loss for words. I just feel like I'm being a stupid whiny bitch for sitting here, complaining about my life when there's nothing wrong with it. I want to scream and yell and cry and sleep and run and tear things apart and say things that are on my mind that no one wants to hear and jump out of a window and scratch myself until I bleed and punch a wall and fucking eat. I want to eat and eat and eat and get rid of it ten minutes later. But everyone is here. Oliver is here. I can't be this much of an emotional wreck because I don't want to let him know how fucked up I feel. So for now I will refrain from eating anything at all and sit here with a slightly annoyed expression on my face, willing people to go away.

Thank you all for listening.

Busy Busy

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating as frequently as I'd like for you all. My week has consisted of 10% class, 20% sleep, and 70% Oliver, who sleeps over and I have class with so...you get the picture.

I'm going to have to find a nice medium soon so I can actually get things done. It's just very difficult to concentrate on anything else except the guy I love but haven't seen in nearly a month.

I've started going back to the gym and counting my calories. Granted, I've been doing extremely light workouts and haven't kept a tight track on my food, but it's a start. I went grocery shopping Sunday night and got lots of healthy things. Oatmeal, dried fruit, grapes, snap peas, carrots, frozen veggies, radishes, and bok choy. It's not a lot, and I just got my last paycheck from home so I'll be getting lots more good stuff this weekend. Does anyone have any suggestions? I was thinking I'd get some nuts, some sort of low cal spread, low cal crackers, more fruits and veggies, possibly yogurt, soups, and popsicles. Please please please message me some safe foods that you all enjoy. I'd really like some ideas.

I have good news. Last time I got on the scale I saw 119.75 lbs. I am very happy with that number. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow morning to see if it's gone down any further, but this is the least I've weighed since I was 14, and I'm only 1.75 lbs away from that weight. I am so ready to get to my UGW you have no idea. Ugh! I'm excited. =)

♥ Toni

...

Oh my god how did I jump up from 92 followers to 97 all of a sudden?!?!

Thank you lovelies for making me believe that there are people who are still interested in me. ;)

Forgive me for stating my opinion.

I will never understand casual hookups. From what I've seen you get absolutely nothing out of fucking some random person who you met one night and will never see again, or even someone you just casually see on the side. To me, sex is something that's meant to be had with emotion, in addition to romance. What would I get out of a one night stand or a fuck buddy? Momentary pleasure. That's it. Nothing else. And because of this, because of my opinions on sex, a lot of people look at me funny and think I'm against the sexually liberated women or people's sexual rights. Wrong. I love sex just as much as the next person. I just happen to have slightly old fashioned standards. Is that what we've come to as a society? That the idea of only having sex in a monogamous relationship is no longer the norm? That fucking whoever you so happen to think is hot with no concern for the consequences is now what the majority of people think is acceptable? I mean sure, I'm not going to impose on your right to have sex, but don't complain to me when something goes wrong. Don't try to tell me why you can't find a boyfriend or girlfriend, because you're stooping to everyone's level. Don't ask me why love is hard to come by, when you can plainly see why every single day. The youth of today is so focused on instant gratification. They don't want to work for anything, including love. It's disgusting.

I found out Aaron had a few hookups after we broke up. I was surprised. He knows how I feel about the matter. I asked him why he did it. He said he thought it would hell him. I asked him if it did and he said no. I asked him if he regretted it and he said yes. I said I had no sympathy, and you can see why as stated above.

In other news, I go back to school in three days. I'm very happy about this. I get to see Oliver and get to go back to the gym. I'm going to start counting my calories and lose that last 10 lbs that I put on hold for the past six months. I'm going to do it.