I Wonder...

I wonder if I'm trying so hard to become thin because of what I've lost since coming to college. I've lost so much of the identity and everyday experiences I had in high school. Here there is no friday night football (we're not big on sports), no emphasis on sorority life (not much of a greek system either). I don't have pictures of myself in a cute dress among a dozen other girls in cute dresses ready for the monthly formal. And even though I outwardly detest things like that, cliquey things, it's secretly what I want. I basically chose a school that is the farthest removed from what my teenage experience was. No one here knows I was one of the best dancers on my dance team or that I was fairly decent at playing the clarinet - second only to one of my closest friends. I wonder when I take the music and dance classes I'm enrolled in next quarter if I won't put as much effort into this: this blog, my weight, trying to be good at something. It's unlikely, but I wonder.

It's not to say I'm not content with where I am. I'd rather be here with at least some of the people I knew before college than be in a place more like high school but with people I don't know. I just wonder if I'm feeling this way what Aaron must feel like. He basically just followed me here because it was the school we both got into. Well, it was one of the only schools he got into. He's very bright though, much smarter than me when it comes to math and science. I know he misses his friends though, and I miss mine.

In fact out of all of my closest friends I only stay in touch with one of them. That's better than most people but sometimes I naively wish I had everyone (and I mean everyone; friends, enemies, acquaintances) I grew up with here with me in this giant place, far enough removed to have my own life but close enough to see how they're doing. Instead I get Facebook updates and the knowledge that in five years' time will be the only time we'll all be in one place again for a "reunion." As if one night is really enough time to see how all the clique dynamics have changed and where everyone is in their lives. But this is life, things change, people move on. It's something I don't like acknowledging or thinking about. When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like at 18. I'm scared of growing up, that's what I'm like. I don't want to be adult, I don't even really want to be living on my own. The last week of summer vacation before I came to college I wondered what it would be like if I just stayed home and lived with my parents for another couple of years. Of course I wasn't serious and it would hinder the career I want but I liked my life. I liked my home, my school, my town. It was nice.

Ok it's really late and thank you to whoever made it this far down. I don't know why I get these urges to write absurdly long paragraphs about my reflections on life. I guess I'm just tired of them being stuck in my head.

High School

Ugh I know it's almost 2 in the morning but I was Formspring creeping on all of the girl I used to know in high school who are still in high school themselves (most are seniors) and I noticed that for the most part they're all pretty, thin, and happy. I feel like I totally missed out on 4 years of happiness because I wasn't trying to control my weight. I just accepted this fact that I would never be thin and let myself think that for 4 straight years.

Now I'm in college and life is so different. There isn't this pressing matter of whether or not you're popular and thin at my particular university, but that's kind of what I miss. I do want to be thinner, and I'm doing well on my goals, but I'm not in an exclusive sorority or surrounded by beautiful people all the time, so trying to achieve this perfect weight almost seems like it's just something to do. Sure I'll get to wear clothes that flatter me and be all around more self confident, but there is no "popular" in college. I don't go out and party in clubs (nor am I friends with people who do), and I've already got a great boyfriend so there's no need to impress anyone.

God...I feel so shallow. Why am I complaining? I have a pretty ok life now. Maybe that's it though, I'm only starting to improve myself after eeverything else fell into place. No more worrying about boys or popularity, but I do think I missed out on trying to be that in high school. I think I missed out on making friends and being social by not trying hard enough. I do love the friends I made, and I do love my boyfriend. I just know there's a whole untapped potential I had that I'll never get to go back to. There are always high school reunions I suppose, but those aren't for another 4 years at least.

I'm sorry to go on this rant. It's this whole societal thing Americans (and even more so since I live in California of all paces) that if you're not popular in high school then you're nothing. I was always on the fringes but never got to it. I'm here now, and I'm trying to be better. I guess that's really all I can do.