A big thanks to all the girls who commented last night. It really made me feel better, especially since when I wrote the post I was covered in tears and my face was a swollen piece of meat.
There was one part of the story I guess I forgot to mention. Among all the emotional hurt I never made clear that I asked Aaron the question of whether or not he'd ever imagined himself with another girl, and I asked because of a story I read on FML.com. For some reason all the guys on that site are cheaters or plain jerks...so yeah he didn't bring the topic up out of the blue. But that didn't make his response any less shocking.
But anyways thanks for being so supportive. I know for some people a scenario like this isn't a big deal (but obviously I'm not one of them haha). Aaron and I talked a lot last night and I think we're ok. He has this problem with emotions...as in he's convinced he can't feel anything emotionally. I guess to some extent that's true, but then again I'm fairly sure he doesn't try to work through the issue and instead I'm the one who feels like he doesn't care about me and isn't very invested in making sure I'm 100% happy in this relationship. Case in point: when he ignored me last night. Oh but he's not the only one with problems I suppose. I have this little eating disorder thing...(which, by the way, I'm practically flailing on front of him and he acts as if he doesn't see it). But this is all too depressing for me to drone on about for this entire post.
On to happier topics...
Olivia: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! In a few short months we're going to be fellow banana slugs! We should totally take some dance classes together or hit up the gym or go to a midnight movie or something. Do you know where you're living? Ah probably the transfer house in Porter I guess. I'm *crossing my fingers* that I'll have an apartment there next year, but I might have to go back into the dorms or get an apartment at Kresge or something. I'm so excited and happy for you. =)
Food: I've already had breakfast. A banana (70 cal), and 4 oz of strawberry yogurt with 25 blueberries (130 cal), so if I eat nothing else and go to dance class I'll already be at -150 calories for the day, although that probably won't happen. I think today I'll try to get in 30 minutes at the gym and burn off another 350 calories, which means with dance that's 700 calories burned, which means I can only eat a max of 550 calories, which means I have 350 left to eat. I'm praying they'll be some good, low cal soups in the dining halls today. I'm already sick and probably working my body harder than I should, so I should at least have the option of having some healthy food options, not the regular pizza, clam chowder, and burgers that keep flying in my face. Can I hear a whoop whoop for chicken noodle? Or maybe some pozole? Or veggie medley?
Ah I'm rambling. I'll be back later. With thinspo!
Update: Just updated my "Measurements" tab because I thought it was time to take my measurements again. I've lost almost 5 inches! What I'd really like to be in the future is something like 34-25-35. My waist-to-hip ratio now is about .74, and with those measurements it would be .71, which is much closer to the ideal .7 (i.e. my waist is 70% the circumference of my hips).
Christy: A waist-to-hip ratio of 70% is supposed to be the most appealing to men. Divide the circumference of your waist by the circumference of your hips and multiply by 100 and you get your w-t-h percentage. 70% is the ideal ratio. Basically it's just another motivation for me to lose weight.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sex, it's a nightmare.
Thank you for all the congrats on my last post. I can't even really fathom that I used to carry another 25 lbs on this frame.
Today, though, pretty much sucked. Oh I stuck to my eating plan, that's not the problem. I consumed only 315 calories and burned off 550 (300 dance, 250 elliptical) for a net total of -235 calories. Plus I weighed in at 121.75, so at least I'll probably make it to 121 or even less by Saturday.
My distress today comes from none other than the boyfriend himself: Aaron. And just a warning, not everyone will agree with what happened. I realize this. This is my own opinion of what I thought my relationship was about.
You know that well-perpetuated rumor that says all guys think about is sex? If a girl is even remotely hot they'll think about fucking her. If they could get away with it they'd cheat on you in a heartbeat? That they view sex as just an act and think it's not that big of a deal? Well, those rumors are true, at least when it comes to him.
I've been with Aaron over two years now, and I thought I knew his views on sex. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I know he'd feel bad. I also know he thinks that sex isn't a huge deal outside of a relationship. And yet it still stung when he told me that he regularly imagines himself fucking other girls. As in, girls he sees walking down the street that he thinks are hot. Not celebs, but every day girls who go to my school. Am I crazy for being hurt because of that, especially since I've hardly even done the same since we've been together - and when I do I feel horrible afterwards? I just thought that I was the only thing he wanted. And yes, I know the counterargument is "well he didn't actually cheat on you," but to me the thought is almost as bad.
And I think the worst part is that afterwards he just kind of ignored that I was upset at all. He didn't apologize for hurting my feelings and when I left the lounge we were in to go back to my room he just left. He didn't come to talk things through. He. Just. Ignored. Me.
That's what made me the most upset. He couldn't just say sorry, he had to make it worse.
I'm sorry for this. I just had to get it out. I have relatively liberal views on everything but sex, and I know not everyone is going to see this through my eyes. It's just nice to have somewhere to let all of this out, because I'm really not feeling good about me and him at all. I'm too attached though.
Well, here's to things being better tomorrow. I have an hour and a half class with him tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see how it goes.
I hope you all are having a much, much, much better day than me.
♥ Toni
Today, though, pretty much sucked. Oh I stuck to my eating plan, that's not the problem. I consumed only 315 calories and burned off 550 (300 dance, 250 elliptical) for a net total of -235 calories. Plus I weighed in at 121.75, so at least I'll probably make it to 121 or even less by Saturday.
My distress today comes from none other than the boyfriend himself: Aaron. And just a warning, not everyone will agree with what happened. I realize this. This is my own opinion of what I thought my relationship was about.
You know that well-perpetuated rumor that says all guys think about is sex? If a girl is even remotely hot they'll think about fucking her. If they could get away with it they'd cheat on you in a heartbeat? That they view sex as just an act and think it's not that big of a deal? Well, those rumors are true, at least when it comes to him.
I've been with Aaron over two years now, and I thought I knew his views on sex. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I know he'd feel bad. I also know he thinks that sex isn't a huge deal outside of a relationship. And yet it still stung when he told me that he regularly imagines himself fucking other girls. As in, girls he sees walking down the street that he thinks are hot. Not celebs, but every day girls who go to my school. Am I crazy for being hurt because of that, especially since I've hardly even done the same since we've been together - and when I do I feel horrible afterwards? I just thought that I was the only thing he wanted. And yes, I know the counterargument is "well he didn't actually cheat on you," but to me the thought is almost as bad.
And I think the worst part is that afterwards he just kind of ignored that I was upset at all. He didn't apologize for hurting my feelings and when I left the lounge we were in to go back to my room he just left. He didn't come to talk things through. He. Just. Ignored. Me.
That's what made me the most upset. He couldn't just say sorry, he had to make it worse.
I'm sorry for this. I just had to get it out. I have relatively liberal views on everything but sex, and I know not everyone is going to see this through my eyes. It's just nice to have somewhere to let all of this out, because I'm really not feeling good about me and him at all. I'm too attached though.
Well, here's to things being better tomorrow. I have an hour and a half class with him tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see how it goes.
I hope you all are having a much, much, much better day than me.
♥ Toni
If only life were like the pictures we spend so much time emulating...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Weight, Exercise, and Dancing
Official weigh-in: 125 lbs. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Well, I guess I'm not still at 127, and I've exercised every day this week, and I've been in the negatives, and I know I'll drop some weight when my digestive track gets back to normal, so I guess that's not all bad. I just want to weigh less. =(
Christy: a sea salt bath you say? Sounds tempting, and I would try it if I had 1) sea salt and 2) a bath tub. Damn my dorm bathrooms and it's endless supply of showers!
Otherwise thank you girls for the supportive comments last night. I actually just ate a little bit ago after going to the gym. I feel ok. I burned off 640 calories. I don't know my calorie count yet. I'll update on that later.
Food has been weird lately. I've been having a hard time telling whether or not I'm hungry or full. The feelings are the same. And no matter how much I do eat, I don't feel overtly full and I've been going to bed with a growling tummy. Maybe I just think I'm eating a lot? Right now I don't think I'm eating much like a disordered person. French fries, hot dogs, frozen yogurt, tacos. I mean I've really been indulging. I do think, however, that I've started to exercise like a disordered person. It's not just "Oh I'll go dance class for 90 minutes then do a little workout." It's "I'm going to dance class with the intent of being the best and then going to exercise to burn off the most amount of calories I can." I mean, I'm getting light headed a lot and my legs have been continually sore. I'm short of breath and my resting heart rate has gone up. I know this isn't normal. It's my perfectionist drive. Example: yesterday a new girl came into my jazz dance class (I prefer my jazz class much more to my modern dance class) and that sense of competition came over me. For about half the class I watched her. She was thin and pretty and I wanted to see if she was good at dancing, or at least catching on. I watched her stretch, do combinations across the floor, leaps and turns, and finally I concluded that she wasn't a threat, that she wasn't as good as me. Aren't I a self-centered egotistical bitch? At least that's what I think. Again, I'm a perfectionist. And I'm a girl. Those two traits are bound to manifest themselves into bitchiness at one point or another. I just like being the best, or one of the best. I feel like a failure any other way.
Ok I'm rambling again, and I still have more to post later. But for now I have to go, I'm taking a little shopping trip with some friends. Leggings, headbands, jeans, so much I need to buy!
Later: Alright, so I'm back from my trip. I bought leggings, but no headbands or jeans. One terrible thing about being short: jeans are nearly impossible to buy. I did get some new sports bras and cotton shorts. Yay for new exercise clothes!
When we got back to campus I indulged in a dining hall crunch wrap...on top of having two kid's scoops at Baskin Robin. Oh goody joy, I can't wait to see which number appears on the scale tomorrow. For now though, I'm too tired to calculate all that I ate. I'm sure it was horrid. All I want is sleep. Day 6 of consecutive gym time coming up tomorrow at 10 am. I hope you all are having a great start to your weekend. =)
♥ Toni
Well, I guess I'm not still at 127, and I've exercised every day this week, and I've been in the negatives, and I know I'll drop some weight when my digestive track gets back to normal, so I guess that's not all bad. I just want to weigh less. =(
Christy: a sea salt bath you say? Sounds tempting, and I would try it if I had 1) sea salt and 2) a bath tub. Damn my dorm bathrooms and it's endless supply of showers!
Otherwise thank you girls for the supportive comments last night. I actually just ate a little bit ago after going to the gym. I feel ok. I burned off 640 calories. I don't know my calorie count yet. I'll update on that later.
Food has been weird lately. I've been having a hard time telling whether or not I'm hungry or full. The feelings are the same. And no matter how much I do eat, I don't feel overtly full and I've been going to bed with a growling tummy. Maybe I just think I'm eating a lot? Right now I don't think I'm eating much like a disordered person. French fries, hot dogs, frozen yogurt, tacos. I mean I've really been indulging. I do think, however, that I've started to exercise like a disordered person. It's not just "Oh I'll go dance class for 90 minutes then do a little workout." It's "I'm going to dance class with the intent of being the best and then going to exercise to burn off the most amount of calories I can." I mean, I'm getting light headed a lot and my legs have been continually sore. I'm short of breath and my resting heart rate has gone up. I know this isn't normal. It's my perfectionist drive. Example: yesterday a new girl came into my jazz dance class (I prefer my jazz class much more to my modern dance class) and that sense of competition came over me. For about half the class I watched her. She was thin and pretty and I wanted to see if she was good at dancing, or at least catching on. I watched her stretch, do combinations across the floor, leaps and turns, and finally I concluded that she wasn't a threat, that she wasn't as good as me. Aren't I a self-centered egotistical bitch? At least that's what I think. Again, I'm a perfectionist. And I'm a girl. Those two traits are bound to manifest themselves into bitchiness at one point or another. I just like being the best, or one of the best. I feel like a failure any other way.
Ok I'm rambling again, and I still have more to post later. But for now I have to go, I'm taking a little shopping trip with some friends. Leggings, headbands, jeans, so much I need to buy!
Later: Alright, so I'm back from my trip. I bought leggings, but no headbands or jeans. One terrible thing about being short: jeans are nearly impossible to buy. I did get some new sports bras and cotton shorts. Yay for new exercise clothes!
When we got back to campus I indulged in a dining hall crunch wrap...on top of having two kid's scoops at Baskin Robin. Oh goody joy, I can't wait to see which number appears on the scale tomorrow. For now though, I'm too tired to calculate all that I ate. I'm sure it was horrid. All I want is sleep. Day 6 of consecutive gym time coming up tomorrow at 10 am. I hope you all are having a great start to your weekend. =)
♥ Toni
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day 1 of the 10 Day Diet
So I tried out the 10 Day Diet for the first time today. It went well. I got 6 hours of sleep (10 points), exercised for 2.5 hours (20 points), drank 9 fl oz of water (20 points) and ate a total of 480 calories (20 points). So out of a max of 80 points I got 70, not bad. I was just up late working on an essay, but I'll be going to bed by midnight so I can wake up bright and early at 8 am to go to the gym.
Today's food went great considering last night I went out for a friend's birthday with 13 other people to an Italian place. Most people, including myself, got calzones - big calzones. Out of all the girls (7 total including myself) I was the only one to eat their entire dinner. Everyone else kept half for later. Surprisingly I didn't feel like too much of a pig. Some of that was due to the fact that everyone was constantly saying how much I deserved to eat out and how I earned a great dinner and stuff like that. I guess it's true. Just today I burned a total of 1,065 calories from the elliptical at the gym and dance class. But I'm not slacking! I just needed a two-day buffer before starting another diet.
Food was minimal. Lunch was a small bowl of fire roasted corn soup (125 cal), and some veggies with dressing (145 cal). Dinner was a bowl of minestrone (110 cal), 1/4 cup of tapioca pudding (65 cal), and a few spoonfuls of banana/mango frozen yogurt (45 cal). My net intake today is -575 and I am desperately trying to make up for losing no weight this past week. The scale today was at 127. Something tells me that calzone has a lot to do with it...but hopefully all the bathroom trips I've had due to the massive amounts of water I've been putting into my system has pushed some of that out!
I'm crossing my fingers for a lower number on the scale tomorrow!
Hello to 30 followers! It's amazing to me to think I'm at all interesting for 30 people to read about my life on a daily basis. Thank you lovelies. =)
♥ Toni
Today's food went great considering last night I went out for a friend's birthday with 13 other people to an Italian place. Most people, including myself, got calzones - big calzones. Out of all the girls (7 total including myself) I was the only one to eat their entire dinner. Everyone else kept half for later. Surprisingly I didn't feel like too much of a pig. Some of that was due to the fact that everyone was constantly saying how much I deserved to eat out and how I earned a great dinner and stuff like that. I guess it's true. Just today I burned a total of 1,065 calories from the elliptical at the gym and dance class. But I'm not slacking! I just needed a two-day buffer before starting another diet.
Food was minimal. Lunch was a small bowl of fire roasted corn soup (125 cal), and some veggies with dressing (145 cal). Dinner was a bowl of minestrone (110 cal), 1/4 cup of tapioca pudding (65 cal), and a few spoonfuls of banana/mango frozen yogurt (45 cal). My net intake today is -575 and I am desperately trying to make up for losing no weight this past week. The scale today was at 127. Something tells me that calzone has a lot to do with it...but hopefully all the bathroom trips I've had due to the massive amounts of water I've been putting into my system has pushed some of that out!
I'm crossing my fingers for a lower number on the scale tomorrow!
Hello to 30 followers! It's amazing to me to think I'm at all interesting for 30 people to read about my life on a daily basis. Thank you lovelies. =)
♥ Toni
Friday, April 15, 2011
Ups and Downs
I feel terrible about my lack of posting this week. After this is up I'm going straight to my reading list to catch up on everyone's posts. I've just been in an eating slump. I'll know how bad the damage is after I go weigh myself this afternoon, but I'm sure I'm back around 127-128. Although I'm also a little bloated due to my period, but I don't like to use that as an excuse because I almost never get the nasty side effects of my period (headaches, bloatedness, cramps, etc.). As for Monday-Thursday, I think I probably had an average of 1,300 calories each day, so my final days of SGD is shot. Overall I think it went pretty well, but I know I could have done a lot better. Next up I think I'll try the 10-day diet. It's worth a shot.
Besides my eating fails, everything else is currently going smoothly. Despite losing minimal weight since spring break I'm still getting compliments on my new physique, Aaron and I are in a good place right now, and my school work is still strong. Plus something really good happened in my jazz class last night. My dance teacher told me how much she enjoys having me four days a week and that she sees great potential in me. She even said she's going to start picking on me in class to get me to improve even more and that I should try to be in shows next year. After going through so much on my old dance team in high school (I repeatedly tried to climb the leadership ladder and failed on many occasion, serves me right for wanting to be captain of a team that I loved) it was really great to have positive feedback from a real dancer. Plus I've been trying so hard in that class after not dancing for almost a year. It just felt good to be recognized.
I'm also feeling better overall about my body, but of course I still want to be thinner. 118 is still my goal before cheer tryouts and I currently have 36 days to do it. 2 lbs. a week is all I need, and with the current eating habits I've picked up I'll definitely be looking to my blogging community to help keep me on track (that's you girls!).
As a closer I want to give a thank you to my new follower. It's awesome to know that even when I'm being neglectful of my lovely followers people are still reading, although of course I feel just awful for not updating for you lovelies that read me daily.
Alright, I'll be back later to fill you guys in on the damage of the past few days after I weigh in. See you all then.
♥ Toni
Edit: I just looked up the calories for everything I ate the past few days. I definitely overestimated the average I posted earlier, but it sure felt like I ate 1300 calories a day. Maybe that was just yesterday...
Besides my eating fails, everything else is currently going smoothly. Despite losing minimal weight since spring break I'm still getting compliments on my new physique, Aaron and I are in a good place right now, and my school work is still strong. Plus something really good happened in my jazz class last night. My dance teacher told me how much she enjoys having me four days a week and that she sees great potential in me. She even said she's going to start picking on me in class to get me to improve even more and that I should try to be in shows next year. After going through so much on my old dance team in high school (I repeatedly tried to climb the leadership ladder and failed on many occasion, serves me right for wanting to be captain of a team that I loved) it was really great to have positive feedback from a real dancer. Plus I've been trying so hard in that class after not dancing for almost a year. It just felt good to be recognized.
I'm also feeling better overall about my body, but of course I still want to be thinner. 118 is still my goal before cheer tryouts and I currently have 36 days to do it. 2 lbs. a week is all I need, and with the current eating habits I've picked up I'll definitely be looking to my blogging community to help keep me on track (that's you girls!).
As a closer I want to give a thank you to my new follower. It's awesome to know that even when I'm being neglectful of my lovely followers people are still reading, although of course I feel just awful for not updating for you lovelies that read me daily.
Alright, I'll be back later to fill you guys in on the damage of the past few days after I weigh in. See you all then.
♥ Toni
Edit: I just looked up the calories for everything I ate the past few days. I definitely overestimated the average I posted earlier, but it sure felt like I ate 1300 calories a day. Maybe that was just yesterday...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Fast #2 & Update
26 followers! Thank you americaneaglelove for following and posting a comment. =)
And thanks to those who gave me support during and after my fast. Since I'm planning on not working out this weekend I've decided to do another one that will be broken before I either go to the gym or dance class tomorrow.
So I don't think I kept as good of track over yesterday's intake, but it wasn't enough to put me over so I'm just going to say I was at intake which was 650 calories.
I don't really know what to post today. I'm kind of at a loss for words because all I did yesterday was literally ate breakfast then stayed in bed all day. I did homework mostly and cuddled with Aaron. It was pretty unproductive, so today I'm going outside with some friends because it's really nice and we're going to have a homework session in the meadow right next to the dining hall. Plus I'm going to try to get a tan. It takes a lot for me to tan so I don't think I'll see much progress. Haha.
Well you know me, I'll keep you all posted.
♥ Toni
Later:
Dang! Now I'm up to 27 followers! That's 3 new followers in the past, what, 5 days? My newest one is Jennie. You guys should check out her blog. She's just starting up a new one after her last one was discovered so go show her some love. ♥
So this fast wasn't as successful as the last one. Pretty much all I did was go all day without eating until dinnertime. The last fast I did was 36.5 hours. This one was 19.5 hours. I went from last night at 9 pm to today around 4:30 pm. Meh. Food was under limit. I had a slice of pumpkin pie (200 cal), a hot dog (190 cal), some tortilla chips (50 cal), 8 oz of root beer (100 cal), and 2 pork ribs (140 cal) for a total of 680 calories out of the 700 I was allowed. Looking back they don't look like very healthy foods, but my explanation is down there. vvv
For some reason I just felt really good about myself today. Obviously eating all that food has made me feel a little bloated, but before that I was pretty good. I went out tanning (and unfortunately christy, I did get a slight sunburn) with some friends and just had a good time. I put on a bandeau I hadn't worn in two years and even with the top clasped as tight as it would go it was still a little big. I'm feeling better about my body and I just want it to keep going. If I feel like this at 127 I can only image how ecstatic I'll feel at 118. I'm walking taller, fitting into my clothes better, and my mood is up a lot more from spring break. It was a very good day.
And thanks to those who gave me support during and after my fast. Since I'm planning on not working out this weekend I've decided to do another one that will be broken before I either go to the gym or dance class tomorrow.
So I don't think I kept as good of track over yesterday's intake, but it wasn't enough to put me over so I'm just going to say I was at intake which was 650 calories.
I don't really know what to post today. I'm kind of at a loss for words because all I did yesterday was literally ate breakfast then stayed in bed all day. I did homework mostly and cuddled with Aaron. It was pretty unproductive, so today I'm going outside with some friends because it's really nice and we're going to have a homework session in the meadow right next to the dining hall. Plus I'm going to try to get a tan. It takes a lot for me to tan so I don't think I'll see much progress. Haha.
Well you know me, I'll keep you all posted.
♥ Toni
Later:
Dang! Now I'm up to 27 followers! That's 3 new followers in the past, what, 5 days? My newest one is Jennie. You guys should check out her blog. She's just starting up a new one after her last one was discovered so go show her some love. ♥
So this fast wasn't as successful as the last one. Pretty much all I did was go all day without eating until dinnertime. The last fast I did was 36.5 hours. This one was 19.5 hours. I went from last night at 9 pm to today around 4:30 pm. Meh. Food was under limit. I had a slice of pumpkin pie (200 cal), a hot dog (190 cal), some tortilla chips (50 cal), 8 oz of root beer (100 cal), and 2 pork ribs (140 cal) for a total of 680 calories out of the 700 I was allowed. Looking back they don't look like very healthy foods, but my explanation is down there. vvv
For some reason I just felt really good about myself today. Obviously eating all that food has made me feel a little bloated, but before that I was pretty good. I went out tanning (and unfortunately christy, I did get a slight sunburn) with some friends and just had a good time. I put on a bandeau I hadn't worn in two years and even with the top clasped as tight as it would go it was still a little big. I'm feeling better about my body and I just want it to keep going. If I feel like this at 127 I can only image how ecstatic I'll feel at 118. I'm walking taller, fitting into my clothes better, and my mood is up a lot more from spring break. It was a very good day.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Having a Better Day
Thank you for dealing with my little meltdown last night.
Christy: Thanks for always looking on the bright side, and yes my day is going better today.
Alice: I've managed to keep up the fast until now and plan to keep going until tomorrow morning. I hope you're doing just as well with it!
I was in such a low state of mind last night that I completely neglected my new follower. Welcome! I'm just sorry your first new post with me was such a downtrodden one. Sorry about that, I'm usually a lot cheerier.
I'm actually surprised at myself today: not only have I had minimal trouble avoiding food despite the gurgles in my tummy from time to time, but something rather odd happened about an hour ago. I went with some friends to the dining hall after class and all I had was a cup of green tea. It filled me up just fine and when I went back up to the dorms and another group of friends asked if I wanted to eat I replied "No thanks I just ate"...and I believed it. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized that I actually hadn't eaten and had just lied. Is this a good thing? Maybe, I don't know what to make of it yet.
Well I found out when cheer tryouts are. I have until May 21 to get down to 118. That's my goal. As far as I know we're just being taught a dance, a cheer, and jumps. For some reason I thought it was going to be harder than that. I've had a lot of experience trying out for routines when I was on dance/drill with little time to learn the moves so I think I'll do ok? Crossing my fingers.
Well this is probably going to be my only post for today. I don't think anything very exciting is going to happen between now and tonight. I am going to be creating a new tab with my measurements on it, but that's about it.
Wishing you all well in your endeavors,
♥ Toni
Christy: Thanks for always looking on the bright side, and yes my day is going better today.
Alice: I've managed to keep up the fast until now and plan to keep going until tomorrow morning. I hope you're doing just as well with it!
I was in such a low state of mind last night that I completely neglected my new follower. Welcome! I'm just sorry your first new post with me was such a downtrodden one. Sorry about that, I'm usually a lot cheerier.
I'm actually surprised at myself today: not only have I had minimal trouble avoiding food despite the gurgles in my tummy from time to time, but something rather odd happened about an hour ago. I went with some friends to the dining hall after class and all I had was a cup of green tea. It filled me up just fine and when I went back up to the dorms and another group of friends asked if I wanted to eat I replied "No thanks I just ate"...and I believed it. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized that I actually hadn't eaten and had just lied. Is this a good thing? Maybe, I don't know what to make of it yet.
Well I found out when cheer tryouts are. I have until May 21 to get down to 118. That's my goal. As far as I know we're just being taught a dance, a cheer, and jumps. For some reason I thought it was going to be harder than that. I've had a lot of experience trying out for routines when I was on dance/drill with little time to learn the moves so I think I'll do ok? Crossing my fingers.
Well this is probably going to be my only post for today. I don't think anything very exciting is going to happen between now and tonight. I am going to be creating a new tab with my measurements on it, but that's about it.
Wishing you all well in your endeavors,
♥ Toni
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Good First Day Back
Today was the first day of Spring Quarter. The sun was shining, it was warm, and I ended up being very happy with all of the classes I signed up for. I had my dance class, and boy was I surprised. I thought the first day would be us getting permission codes and a syllabus, not stretching, conditioning, and learning 8 counts! But I was lucky because I planned to go to the gym afterwards, so I was in the right gear, and it felt great to get my body moving to music again. I'm going to check out the Jazz I class tomorrow and see if I like it as well. The only thing I don't like is the fact that the dance studio is mirrored, and I look so short and fat compared to some of the other girls. sure I don't have a protruding belly, but my hips are huge. Ugggh just another reason to lose these next 17 lbs.
I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay under my limit for SGD today. I only burned 275 calories at the gym, but I plugged in the time I spent at the studio and got around 350 calories burned! And I bet that's an understatement! And after my workout weigh-in (despite not losing any weight) I felt great, almost like I had just chugged a few cups of coffee. I guess it was the emptiness. My tummy was growling by the time I got home, but on top of that I had to wait another 2 hours for Aaron to come over so we could eat dinner together. I had so much energy though. I wanted to do everything at once. It was a good feeling.
As for food I kept it under par. For breakfast I had a few bites of an english muffin (45 cal) and a slice of zucchini bread (190 cal). Lunch was 8 oz of tomato soup (140 cal) and a roll (115 cal). Dinner was 6 oz of minestrone, but it tasted bad so I only ate the beans (40 cal), 3 oz. of chicken parmesan sans half of the skin (145 cal), and a bagel with one side butter and the other with cream cheese (270 cal). Minus the 625 from dance and working out and the total is 320 calories for the day.
I think tomorrow I might be able to sneak in two workouts, once after my morning class and the other after dance. I'll be sweaty anyway and the gym is open until 10. An extra 2-300 calories will be good.
I want to thank all of you girls who left me comments on my first day back to SGD. Thanks for all of the support, it just makes me push myself even harder.
Well I hope the weather is treating all of you as wellas it is to me. I'll be sure to put up more thinspo soon, possibly to celebrate when I get back down to 125!
♥ Toni
I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay under my limit for SGD today. I only burned 275 calories at the gym, but I plugged in the time I spent at the studio and got around 350 calories burned! And I bet that's an understatement! And after my workout weigh-in (despite not losing any weight) I felt great, almost like I had just chugged a few cups of coffee. I guess it was the emptiness. My tummy was growling by the time I got home, but on top of that I had to wait another 2 hours for Aaron to come over so we could eat dinner together. I had so much energy though. I wanted to do everything at once. It was a good feeling.
As for food I kept it under par. For breakfast I had a few bites of an english muffin (45 cal) and a slice of zucchini bread (190 cal). Lunch was 8 oz of tomato soup (140 cal) and a roll (115 cal). Dinner was 6 oz of minestrone, but it tasted bad so I only ate the beans (40 cal), 3 oz. of chicken parmesan sans half of the skin (145 cal), and a bagel with one side butter and the other with cream cheese (270 cal). Minus the 625 from dance and working out and the total is 320 calories for the day.
I think tomorrow I might be able to sneak in two workouts, once after my morning class and the other after dance. I'll be sweaty anyway and the gym is open until 10. An extra 2-300 calories will be good.
I want to thank all of you girls who left me comments on my first day back to SGD. Thanks for all of the support, it just makes me push myself even harder.
Well I hope the weather is treating all of you as wellas it is to me. I'll be sure to put up more thinspo soon, possibly to celebrate when I get back down to 125!
♥ Toni
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Update
So I ended up surrendering during the middle of the day when I went over to Aaron's and took a nap. I was just too tired after getting so little (erm, I mean NO) sleep. So today I stopped by CVS and picked up a 120 tablet bottle of 3mg Melatonin. Almost all the reviews were positive in its claim to help regulate sleep, so I will definitely be using these during the nights before my 8 am classes. Also, I decided to get some caffeine pills from ProLab on Amazon. $10 for a 100 tablets of 200mg caffeine. Not a bad deal, plus out of the 26 reviews only 2 were negative due to the fact that the reviewers built up an immunity to the dosage. I'm really excited. I think they'll really help on days where I need an extra pick me up (like study or exercise days) and I won't have to drink coffee.
So as for this morning's outing, the purpose it was created for was kind of a bust. I did go out for my anniversary, but I also wanted to catch up with the friends I haven't seen since December. Well...none of them came, so it was just me, Aaron, and Jenna. =/
The food wasn't even that great. I ordered a chocolate milkshake (didn't drink it all), a side salad (ate 3/4 of it), and a chicken cesar sandwich (ate less than half of it). I seems like I didn't eat a whole lot, but I was so full! I guess it was all the milkshake because I didn't have much food at all. Then we all went to see Battle: LA. I think it was pretty good. The scenes with a desecrated Los Angeles were beautifully done, and despite the acting being a little cliche it was a rather enjoyable movie.
Dinner was fantastic: tri tip, potato salad, asparagus, steamed veggies, cheesy bread, and for dessert a cherry crumble. I'm currently stuffed. Even though it's very uncomfortable, I'm going to have to cherish it because for the next few months I'm going to try to steer as clear as I can from feeling this full. Getting back to my goals is my top priority, and with my pills and added dance class(es? I'm going to try to get into a second one) I don't think I can fail very easily. Ooooo I'm so freaking ready! Can't wait to be back.
♥ Toni
P.S.-WhiteSkinnyAngel, you make a good point. I definitely think I'll cut back on talking to my cat around my parents from now on haha.
So as for this morning's outing, the purpose it was created for was kind of a bust. I did go out for my anniversary, but I also wanted to catch up with the friends I haven't seen since December. Well...none of them came, so it was just me, Aaron, and Jenna. =/
The food wasn't even that great. I ordered a chocolate milkshake (didn't drink it all), a side salad (ate 3/4 of it), and a chicken cesar sandwich (ate less than half of it). I seems like I didn't eat a whole lot, but I was so full! I guess it was all the milkshake because I didn't have much food at all. Then we all went to see Battle: LA. I think it was pretty good. The scenes with a desecrated Los Angeles were beautifully done, and despite the acting being a little cliche it was a rather enjoyable movie.
Dinner was fantastic: tri tip, potato salad, asparagus, steamed veggies, cheesy bread, and for dessert a cherry crumble. I'm currently stuffed. Even though it's very uncomfortable, I'm going to have to cherish it because for the next few months I'm going to try to steer as clear as I can from feeling this full. Getting back to my goals is my top priority, and with my pills and added dance class(es? I'm going to try to get into a second one) I don't think I can fail very easily. Ooooo I'm so freaking ready! Can't wait to be back.
♥ Toni
P.S.-WhiteSkinnyAngel, you make a good point. I definitely think I'll cut back on talking to my cat around my parents from now on haha.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A New Outlook
First off I have a couple of new followers. =)
Thanks Zette and Ariana, I love both of your blogs and I'm really glad you guys are also following mine because you both are great.
So despite an overall weight gain of 2 lbs. over the past 10 days (which is not as bad as I thought it'd be), I'm feeling a bit cheerier since my dizzy spell. I don't know why, maybe it's because I know in two days I'll be back to working out and being able to better control my food. Maybe it's because I know now that I might have something a bit off about me. My parents have been asking me since yesterday morning if I've been eating right and making comments that I may have lost weight a bit too quickly. It's kind of a relief.
...And I'll tell you lovelies a kind of screwed up secret. Since I was a kid, maybe around 8 years old, I've had an odd wish to have something be wrong with me. Like borderline disorder or an extreme phobia or something (which I guess I kind of do; sometimes I get panic attacks over the whole "I'm going to die someday and there's nothing I can do about it" thing: necrophobia, fear of death). I don't know why but I think it's mostly because I wanted to be able to say I wasn't like everyone else, that I was special and had something to overcome. I don't really think like that anymore, but a drive to be better than average, to be abnormal is still there, and now I have this. This eating...thing. And this week has instilled in me a rejuvenated need to reach my goal.
I need to lose 15 lbs in 73 days. I want to be 112 by my birthday: June 6. I want my summer to be filled with hot days where I can wear shorts and tank tops and cute dresses and not worry about myself. I want Aaron to say "Wow!" when I undress for him and I want to be the skinniest one out of all of my friends. 15 lbs in 11 weeks, a pound about every 5 days. I think I can do it.
But before I get back to my old ways I'm going out with a bang. Tomorrow is food, food, food! I'm determined to eat as little as possible but you never know with restaurant food and then big family meals...
And to reinforce my recovered mindset I've grabbed a bunch of new thinspo. Enjoy!
♥ Toni
P.S.- I just remeasured myself the other day because my bras have been a little loose (i.e. I have to adjust the straps and the band until they're at their smallest). I got three bras for $40 in December that were 38C, and my measurements came out to 32C. I'm mad because I just bought them and I'm going to have to buy more soon because they'll be too big, but I'm also happy because it means I'm getting smaller.
Thanks Zette and Ariana, I love both of your blogs and I'm really glad you guys are also following mine because you both are great.
So despite an overall weight gain of 2 lbs. over the past 10 days (which is not as bad as I thought it'd be), I'm feeling a bit cheerier since my dizzy spell. I don't know why, maybe it's because I know in two days I'll be back to working out and being able to better control my food. Maybe it's because I know now that I might have something a bit off about me. My parents have been asking me since yesterday morning if I've been eating right and making comments that I may have lost weight a bit too quickly. It's kind of a relief.
...And I'll tell you lovelies a kind of screwed up secret. Since I was a kid, maybe around 8 years old, I've had an odd wish to have something be wrong with me. Like borderline disorder or an extreme phobia or something (which I guess I kind of do; sometimes I get panic attacks over the whole "I'm going to die someday and there's nothing I can do about it" thing: necrophobia, fear of death). I don't know why but I think it's mostly because I wanted to be able to say I wasn't like everyone else, that I was special and had something to overcome. I don't really think like that anymore, but a drive to be better than average, to be abnormal is still there, and now I have this. This eating...thing. And this week has instilled in me a rejuvenated need to reach my goal.
I need to lose 15 lbs in 73 days. I want to be 112 by my birthday: June 6. I want my summer to be filled with hot days where I can wear shorts and tank tops and cute dresses and not worry about myself. I want Aaron to say "Wow!" when I undress for him and I want to be the skinniest one out of all of my friends. 15 lbs in 11 weeks, a pound about every 5 days. I think I can do it.
But before I get back to my old ways I'm going out with a bang. Tomorrow is food, food, food! I'm determined to eat as little as possible but you never know with restaurant food and then big family meals...
And to reinforce my recovered mindset I've grabbed a bunch of new thinspo. Enjoy!
I don't even like Uggs (or anything that looks like them),
but I have to say with legs like those, this girl pulls them off beautifully.
 |
I'm in love with these:
No real theme going on today, I just tried to get a little bit of everything. Legs, abs, arms.
Ok, until next time.
P.S.- I just remeasured myself the other day because my bras have been a little loose (i.e. I have to adjust the straps and the band until they're at their smallest). I got three bras for $40 in December that were 38C, and my measurements came out to 32C. I'm mad because I just bought them and I'm going to have to buy more soon because they'll be too big, but I'm also happy because it means I'm getting smaller.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Still Feeling Woozy
So everything has been going fine for the most part. I've been eating ok, practically 3 meals a day. And I'm only up to a steady 128 lbs, so I guess when I'm ready I know this is how much I need to eat to maintain, which is a good thing to know.
But this morning just about an hour ago something strange happened. I got up very quickly from my bed to talk to my parents about some plans I made. About 2 minutes in I got lightheaded and dots appeared and I thought "I'll just let it pass. It's just from getting up too fast," but then it continued and my parents started asking if I was dizzy (said yes) and told me to lay on the floor. I couldn't see. My dad asked if I was doing something they should know about (said no, kind of a half truth since I've been eating semi-normally) and asked if this had happened before (said no). When I felt better I got up to get something to eat my mom said my pupils were huge and my face was pale and green. They seemed worried but not overtly...that's expected. I don't know what caused it. It could have been from the fact that I hadn't eaten since 8 last night...but I've done that before with nothing happening like this. I feel like I need a shower. I wish my parents had gone to work. I could have handled it without getting embarrassed because they were there.
And Olivia: Why yes, I am talking about a certain UC you may have been accepted to. I'm a freshman there. Omg I'm really excited you might go there next year! It's such a beautiful campus (but I'm guessing you already know that if you're considering transferring?) and if you choose to be housed on campus you'll probably be going to the same dorm college as me (almost all the transfers are housed there), but I'll be applying to live in the apartments next fall. Ooooo so exciting!
But this morning just about an hour ago something strange happened. I got up very quickly from my bed to talk to my parents about some plans I made. About 2 minutes in I got lightheaded and dots appeared and I thought "I'll just let it pass. It's just from getting up too fast," but then it continued and my parents started asking if I was dizzy (said yes) and told me to lay on the floor. I couldn't see. My dad asked if I was doing something they should know about (said no, kind of a half truth since I've been eating semi-normally) and asked if this had happened before (said no). When I felt better I got up to get something to eat my mom said my pupils were huge and my face was pale and green. They seemed worried but not overtly...that's expected. I don't know what caused it. It could have been from the fact that I hadn't eaten since 8 last night...but I've done that before with nothing happening like this. I feel like I need a shower. I wish my parents had gone to work. I could have handled it without getting embarrassed because they were there.
And Olivia: Why yes, I am talking about a certain UC you may have been accepted to. I'm a freshman there. Omg I'm really excited you might go there next year! It's such a beautiful campus (but I'm guessing you already know that if you're considering transferring?) and if you choose to be housed on campus you'll probably be going to the same dorm college as me (almost all the transfers are housed there), but I'll be applying to live in the apartments next fall. Ooooo so exciting!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
One or the Other
Seems to me like I've finally gotten a bit more depressed than Aaron. Funny, he seems happier. It's like we can't both be happy at the same time. Well at least we're not both really depressed at the same time which is good I guess. At school he's stressed and rushed and busy all the time and all I want is to see him and at least I have something to do and I'm not bored. Here he's happy to be back and grateful for the break and I'm stuck in my house and it's rainy and cold and all I think about is high school and the fact that the novelty of seeing my family wears off in about 30 minutes. And I've gained weight. At least I'm sure I didn't go over 1,200 today. Cereal, bread, ice cream, soup. That's about it.
I feel so claustrophobic here. Summer will be better; it'll be sunny and everyone will be home for summer break and I'll be working and doing something. At least back at school I'm under a lot of pressure but I'm moving, not thinking so much about food and dropping weight fast(ish). My mascot is a slug...and that's exactly how I feel here.
Rant over. Thanks to the lovely ladies who dropped their comments and wished me a happy anniversary. =)
I was looking at Outback's menu for the dinner and was surprised to find that the calorie count wasn't as high as I thought it'd be. I think I can make it on liquids that day until then. I'm very excited for the Bloomin' Onion. One of my faves.
♥ Toni
I feel so claustrophobic here. Summer will be better; it'll be sunny and everyone will be home for summer break and I'll be working and doing something. At least back at school I'm under a lot of pressure but I'm moving, not thinking so much about food and dropping weight fast(ish). My mascot is a slug...and that's exactly how I feel here.
Rant over. Thanks to the lovely ladies who dropped their comments and wished me a happy anniversary. =)
I was looking at Outback's menu for the dinner and was surprised to find that the calorie count wasn't as high as I thought it'd be. I think I can make it on liquids that day until then. I'm very excited for the Bloomin' Onion. One of my faves.
♥ Toni
Monday, March 21, 2011
What to do for the rest of the day?
First off, thanks to Olivia and Zette for the comments on my decided plan of action for the week. It was a nice back-to-reality kind of thing where I could step back and say to myself "See, at least other people don't think you're as much of a pig as you do." And a plus? I weighed in at only 126.5 today.
Zette: Holy crap am I glad you're still here. I feel dumb because I was wondering all these weeks where you'd gone and how much I missed your blog and thinspo and reading about your take on life and never thought to click on your profile. Needless to say I'm very glad you're back, not that you'd gone anywhere if I had bothered to pay attention.
So today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. I had terrible heartburn last night that kept me up until 4, but at least when I woke up I felt ok and my day went fairly well. I went to go see Aaron and we took a walk because I was starving (hadn't had anything to eat). I'm too ashamed to say precisely what I ate but I went to get fast food. I haven't done that in probably over a month. Sigh...I've been waiting for the full feeling to subside for hours now and I still have dinner waiting. I can't wait to get back to counting calories and the gym and feeling productive. It's a nice change of pace being home but relaxation is just not suiting me right now.
That's really all I've done today. I've only been up 6 hours and the last two have just been me catching up on other blogs and such. I'm planning a get-together with Aaron and Jenna and our friends from high school that we haven't seen since Christmas. We're going out to dinner then seeing Battle: LA. For Aaron and myself it's kind of our anniversary celebration. I wonder if we can get free dessert if we say that...not that I'm trying to pig out on chocolate cake.
Ok that's the brunt of it. Sorry I haven't been posting much thinspo but I just can't get into the thinspiration spirit knowing how much I'm eating. I hasn't been doing anything for me lately...and that saddens me really.
♥ Toni
Zette: Holy crap am I glad you're still here. I feel dumb because I was wondering all these weeks where you'd gone and how much I missed your blog and thinspo and reading about your take on life and never thought to click on your profile. Needless to say I'm very glad you're back, not that you'd gone anywhere if I had bothered to pay attention.
So today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. I had terrible heartburn last night that kept me up until 4, but at least when I woke up I felt ok and my day went fairly well. I went to go see Aaron and we took a walk because I was starving (hadn't had anything to eat). I'm too ashamed to say precisely what I ate but I went to get fast food. I haven't done that in probably over a month. Sigh...I've been waiting for the full feeling to subside for hours now and I still have dinner waiting. I can't wait to get back to counting calories and the gym and feeling productive. It's a nice change of pace being home but relaxation is just not suiting me right now.
That's really all I've done today. I've only been up 6 hours and the last two have just been me catching up on other blogs and such. I'm planning a get-together with Aaron and Jenna and our friends from high school that we haven't seen since Christmas. We're going out to dinner then seeing Battle: LA. For Aaron and myself it's kind of our anniversary celebration. I wonder if we can get free dessert if we say that...not that I'm trying to pig out on chocolate cake.
Ok that's the brunt of it. Sorry I haven't been posting much thinspo but I just can't get into the thinspiration spirit knowing how much I'm eating. I hasn't been doing anything for me lately...and that saddens me really.
♥ Toni
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Hold on SGD
I just can't do it, at least not for these ten days. I'm surrounded by food, so much food. I'm for sure going out to dinner and the movies and the mall with Aaron and my friends later in the week and I just can't handle trying to get down to something like 300 or 450 calories a day. It's not really even the food, it's the fact that I can't exercise. I'm not about to pay $40 at my old gym to use it for a week, it's rainy as hell so I can't go outside and run, and I'd have to leg lift and crunch and lunge all day to account for all the stuff I've shoved into my mouth. The only realistic solution I see is to restrict as much as I can but not expect myself to eat as little as I have been and then go back to the remainder of my SGD when I get back to university. Until then my only goal is to stay under 129 lbs (good thing I weighed 128.5 with clothes on today). I'll be doing some small exercises here and there, but who knows? Maybe my metabolism will thank me for this and I can lose the few pounds I'm sure I'll be putting off all the faster.
Ok, that's pretty much it. I went out today and felt less depressed and inactive, so I'll hopefully be in a better mood for you all tomorrow.
Cheers,
♥ Toni
Ok, that's pretty much it. I went out today and felt less depressed and inactive, so I'll hopefully be in a better mood for you all tomorrow.
Cheers,
♥ Toni
Friday, March 18, 2011
Rainy Friday
So for the first time in about a month I slept in until 12:30. It's good to be back home. I'm currently sipping green tea and watching a Harry Potter marathon. I weighed in at 126.5 lbs this morning, but I suspect a good pound or two of that is from the food in my system still digesting. Hmm...well there's not much to report. It's raining and I'm trying to avoid food until dinner. Doable.
On another note Olivia Lee nominated me for the "Versatile Blogger" Award. She's so sweet and I'm surprised she picked me for this. I feel like I haven't been around long enough to get an award of any kind, but that's just me trying to be a perfectionist I suppose. And then there's all of you lovely ladies who follow and read me. I think if I didn't know you guys were there I wouldn't be trying as hard. I'd probably let myself go, stray from my goals and such. You all keep me in check because I don't want to report in any weaknesses for the world to read, to let you know I've been bad.
So the rules are:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.
So, seven things about myself (that I hope I haven't previously spilled):
1. As a film major, I feel like this one is a no-brainer. My top five favorite films are Inception, Mean Girls, The Shawshank Redemption, American Beauty, and Titanic. I have an attraction to Oscar-winning films.
2. On the same token, my top five favorite TV shows are Lost, Skins (UK), The Office (US), Gossip Girl, and Law&Order: SVU. I'm into all that drama stuff.
3. I have the genes of an alcoholic (I'm a mix of Irish, German, and Mexican), and I probably would have a love of the stuff if I didn't absolutely hate the taste. I've tried beer, wine, rum, wine coolers, vodka, gin, all that stuff. The only thing I can think of that I'd like is champagne, but I haven't had it in years so I don't know.
4. I've been working on being less judgemental for years, but I find it really hard with the amount of ignorance in the world.
5. I really wish I were just a few inches taller. 5'3" would be my dream height. I'm 5'0", meaning if I gain 5 lbs it looks like I've actually gained 10.
6. I'm one of those people who always has to be doing something. Like last night when I was thinking about going home I was going over whether or not I would have something to be doing, like scholarship stuff or anything for school. I don't like being bored. It makes me feel lazy, and lazy = fat.
7. I hate being awkward, but sometimes I can't help it. I babble or mix up my words or say something other people don't understand. I emulate the people I see who know exactly what to say at the right time.
Alright so there are a few girlies who I'd like to highlight:
Charl, Thin_Envy, Ness, Christy, and Leech. I'd have more but so many girls have already gotten the award! Seriously, these bloggers all help me keep going just as much as all of you. I connect to them all differently and root for them and look up to them. All you bloggers and followers keep me strong!
Alright, I'll keep you all up to date on the rest of the day. Have a great Friday. =)
♥ Toni
Later...
Ok, food was a lot better than I thought it would be. SGD says I'm allowed 450 calories today so I tried to fast until dinner. I succeeded for the most part except for the fact that my mom had me try a cracker and some brie cheese (35 cal). But besides that I held out until dinner. I had 1/4 cup of cooked green beans (20 cal), 10 spears of grilled asparagus (40 cal), and a grilled chicken thigh without the skin (120 cal) for a total of 215 calories, so I decided I could have one of my mom's "healthy" chocolate chip cookies. They're actually pretty good. She used egg whites, wheat flour, and carob chips, plus they're chewy and about 100 calories a cookie, so my total is 315 calories for the day.
Aaaaand Aaron's been giving me a lot of compliments on my new, smaller physique, which is really motivating. I can actually start to see the changes now, and after I'd fasted all day I weighed myself and it came out to 25.6, only .3 lbs more than yesterday. Thank God last night's pigging only put on that much. I can't wait until I get to 112!
On another note Olivia Lee nominated me for the "Versatile Blogger" Award. She's so sweet and I'm surprised she picked me for this. I feel like I haven't been around long enough to get an award of any kind, but that's just me trying to be a perfectionist I suppose. And then there's all of you lovely ladies who follow and read me. I think if I didn't know you guys were there I wouldn't be trying as hard. I'd probably let myself go, stray from my goals and such. You all keep me in check because I don't want to report in any weaknesses for the world to read, to let you know I've been bad.
So the rules are:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.
So, seven things about myself (that I hope I haven't previously spilled):
1. As a film major, I feel like this one is a no-brainer. My top five favorite films are Inception, Mean Girls, The Shawshank Redemption, American Beauty, and Titanic. I have an attraction to Oscar-winning films.
2. On the same token, my top five favorite TV shows are Lost, Skins (UK), The Office (US), Gossip Girl, and Law&Order: SVU. I'm into all that drama stuff.
3. I have the genes of an alcoholic (I'm a mix of Irish, German, and Mexican), and I probably would have a love of the stuff if I didn't absolutely hate the taste. I've tried beer, wine, rum, wine coolers, vodka, gin, all that stuff. The only thing I can think of that I'd like is champagne, but I haven't had it in years so I don't know.
4. I've been working on being less judgemental for years, but I find it really hard with the amount of ignorance in the world.
5. I really wish I were just a few inches taller. 5'3" would be my dream height. I'm 5'0", meaning if I gain 5 lbs it looks like I've actually gained 10.
6. I'm one of those people who always has to be doing something. Like last night when I was thinking about going home I was going over whether or not I would have something to be doing, like scholarship stuff or anything for school. I don't like being bored. It makes me feel lazy, and lazy = fat.
7. I hate being awkward, but sometimes I can't help it. I babble or mix up my words or say something other people don't understand. I emulate the people I see who know exactly what to say at the right time.
Alright so there are a few girlies who I'd like to highlight:
Charl, Thin_Envy, Ness, Christy, and Leech. I'd have more but so many girls have already gotten the award! Seriously, these bloggers all help me keep going just as much as all of you. I connect to them all differently and root for them and look up to them. All you bloggers and followers keep me strong!
Alright, I'll keep you all up to date on the rest of the day. Have a great Friday. =)
♥ Toni
Later...
Ok, food was a lot better than I thought it would be. SGD says I'm allowed 450 calories today so I tried to fast until dinner. I succeeded for the most part except for the fact that my mom had me try a cracker and some brie cheese (35 cal). But besides that I held out until dinner. I had 1/4 cup of cooked green beans (20 cal), 10 spears of grilled asparagus (40 cal), and a grilled chicken thigh without the skin (120 cal) for a total of 215 calories, so I decided I could have one of my mom's "healthy" chocolate chip cookies. They're actually pretty good. She used egg whites, wheat flour, and carob chips, plus they're chewy and about 100 calories a cookie, so my total is 315 calories for the day.
Aaaaand Aaron's been giving me a lot of compliments on my new, smaller physique, which is really motivating. I can actually start to see the changes now, and after I'd fasted all day I weighed myself and it came out to 25.6, only .3 lbs more than yesterday. Thank God last night's pigging only put on that much. I can't wait until I get to 112!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I Wonder...
I wonder if I'm trying so hard to become thin because of what I've lost since coming to college. I've lost so much of the identity and everyday experiences I had in high school. Here there is no friday night football (we're not big on sports), no emphasis on sorority life (not much of a greek system either). I don't have pictures of myself in a cute dress among a dozen other girls in cute dresses ready for the monthly formal. And even though I outwardly detest things like that, cliquey things, it's secretly what I want. I basically chose a school that is the farthest removed from what my teenage experience was. No one here knows I was one of the best dancers on my dance team or that I was fairly decent at playing the clarinet - second only to one of my closest friends. I wonder when I take the music and dance classes I'm enrolled in next quarter if I won't put as much effort into this: this blog, my weight, trying to be good at something. It's unlikely, but I wonder.
It's not to say I'm not content with where I am. I'd rather be here with at least some of the people I knew before college than be in a place more like high school but with people I don't know. I just wonder if I'm feeling this way what Aaron must feel like. He basically just followed me here because it was the school we both got into. Well, it was one of the only schools he got into. He's very bright though, much smarter than me when it comes to math and science. I know he misses his friends though, and I miss mine.
In fact out of all of my closest friends I only stay in touch with one of them. That's better than most people but sometimes I naively wish I had everyone (and I mean everyone; friends, enemies, acquaintances) I grew up with here with me in this giant place, far enough removed to have my own life but close enough to see how they're doing. Instead I get Facebook updates and the knowledge that in five years' time will be the only time we'll all be in one place again for a "reunion." As if one night is really enough time to see how all the clique dynamics have changed and where everyone is in their lives. But this is life, things change, people move on. It's something I don't like acknowledging or thinking about. When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like at 18. I'm scared of growing up, that's what I'm like. I don't want to be adult, I don't even really want to be living on my own. The last week of summer vacation before I came to college I wondered what it would be like if I just stayed home and lived with my parents for another couple of years. Of course I wasn't serious and it would hinder the career I want but I liked my life. I liked my home, my school, my town. It was nice.
Ok it's really late and thank you to whoever made it this far down. I don't know why I get these urges to write absurdly long paragraphs about my reflections on life. I guess I'm just tired of them being stuck in my head.
It's not to say I'm not content with where I am. I'd rather be here with at least some of the people I knew before college than be in a place more like high school but with people I don't know. I just wonder if I'm feeling this way what Aaron must feel like. He basically just followed me here because it was the school we both got into. Well, it was one of the only schools he got into. He's very bright though, much smarter than me when it comes to math and science. I know he misses his friends though, and I miss mine.
In fact out of all of my closest friends I only stay in touch with one of them. That's better than most people but sometimes I naively wish I had everyone (and I mean everyone; friends, enemies, acquaintances) I grew up with here with me in this giant place, far enough removed to have my own life but close enough to see how they're doing. Instead I get Facebook updates and the knowledge that in five years' time will be the only time we'll all be in one place again for a "reunion." As if one night is really enough time to see how all the clique dynamics have changed and where everyone is in their lives. But this is life, things change, people move on. It's something I don't like acknowledging or thinking about. When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like at 18. I'm scared of growing up, that's what I'm like. I don't want to be adult, I don't even really want to be living on my own. The last week of summer vacation before I came to college I wondered what it would be like if I just stayed home and lived with my parents for another couple of years. Of course I wasn't serious and it would hinder the career I want but I liked my life. I liked my home, my school, my town. It was nice.
Ok it's really late and thank you to whoever made it this far down. I don't know why I get these urges to write absurdly long paragraphs about my reflections on life. I guess I'm just tired of them being stuck in my head.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Damn Tacos
Hi everyone, I hope you're all having a lovely Wednesday. So far my day has consisted of nothing but class and required reading, although after this post I'll be watching the rest of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978). It's one of the films I'm considering writing about for my film essay (which I just found out is due in two weeks, not one). You know, aliens as a representation of communism during the Cold War, the idea of conforming to society, yadda yadda yadda. Actually I think it should be a lot more fun than my last essay since it's my choice.
I've been starting to notice lately that my restriction mindset is finally starting to really kick in. I'm starting to feel my jeans get much looser, my belts are starting to notch tighter, the cellulite in my legs is getting less noticeable, and I can start to feel actual abs underneath the inch or so of fat I have in my belly. My weight is continuing to go down. Sometimes when I get up too fast I get lightheaded. I decline going to the dining hall half the time I'm asked. I'm feeling happier about my body, but I'm also verbally stating my happiness to others. Once I've lost another 5, 10, 15 pounds people will notice. I need to start flying under the radar when it comes to weight or else I'm sure someone will ask about it. I'm not sure if it was a mistake to tell Aaron I want to someday be 112 pounds as he likes my bigger body, but I think I reassured him when I said the healthy BMI range for my height is between 95 and 127 lbs, and I'm currently 5 lbs over that.
I had no time to go to the gym today, but I did do some intense stretching (if there is such a thing) for 20 minutes. At least it burned some calories - about 65. I really wanted my intake to be under 500 today, and it would have been if I hadn't eaten a damn taco and chips for dinner. Lunch was light-ish. I had 3 pieces of sushi (110 cal), a ciabatta roll (I think; it closely resembled ciabatta) (160 cal), a small salad with 1 1/2 tbsp ranch dressing (120 cal), and 3 bites of mac-n-cheese (30) for a lunch total of 420 calories. Between that and dinner I had a mint and a stick of gum (10 cal). I was planning on forgoing dinner altogether, so I have no idea why I ate. The food wasn't even that great. Well I already said I had a taco (150 cal) and a couple of tortilla chips with guacamole (60 cal), plus a few spoonfuls of veggie rice soup (25 cal) for a dinner total of 235 calories. Total for the day was 665 minus the 65 calories I burned comes to 600 calories. Hmph. Not good enough today. Well if I can I'll be going to the gym tomorrow and restricting as much as I can (but I'm definitely going to eat beforehand this time).
Alright, time for everyone's favorite part, thinspo!
I can't wait to roll my cotton shorts 3 or 4
times and my huge badonkadonk not peek out.
So much space between those thighs!
If you guessed that today's theme is girls with cute butts, then you are correct! Thin girls (if they aren't stuck with flat or square butts) almst always have a cute little bubble butt. I've always wanted one, but I've been stuck with my mom's bootylicious genes for as long as I can remember.
Wishing a wonderful evening to all,
♥ Toni
P.S. - How could I forget?! Hello to my new followers. =)
Thank you for your support and joining me on this journey, it means a lot. ^__^
Friday, February 4, 2011
This week was shit.
That's really my biggest reason for not posting this past week. I've had so many things go wrong in the past 7 days, and only a handful of things go right. Let's start with the weight. I slipped up for a day or two last weekend, but got back on track by the start of the week. Good, right? Apparently the scale hasn't taken my dedication to heart yet. Instead of losing the pond or two I thought I would this week, I gained weight. And that's only the base of why I'm pissed off at the world.
On Wednesday I left for class really late (I accidentally slept in) and forgot to grab my school ID (which doubles as my room key). I come back 90 minutes later knowing one of my two roommates would still be sleeping, but even though I called them each 10 times no one answered. I pounded on the door for a good 10 minutes. POUNDED. And nothing, so I went down to get a temp card, my 3rd temp card this year, which means the next one I get I'll have to pay for it, and got back into my room. What do I see but one of my roommates asleep in her bunk. I was PISSED. There's absolutely NO WAY she didn't hear me banging on the door and calling her repeatedly. She's one of the lightest sleepers I've ever met. And on top of that I had left her a voicemail when I called telling her I was locked out. It's been 3 days, so she must have heard it by now. She hasn't said a word to me about it, so I'm pretty much not talking to her. This isn't even the first thing she's done to piss me off. She gets drunk all the time - to the point of throwing up and pissing her pants - and allows her friends to touch and mess with my things. I'm really done with her at this point. It's ridiculous.
Besides that I had a bogus pop quiz in my film class. The TA thinks no one reads the chapters the teacher assigns, so instead of asking us he gave us a quiz. Lovely, since I did all the reading but didn't understand it (film theory can be pretty difficult to sift through), so of course I couldn't answer any of the questions.
And the icing on top of the cake happened last night. I was sleeping over at Aaron's when we decided to go to sleep at 11:30, pretty early if you ask me. We were supposed to get up at 8, meaning I'd get a good 8 1/2 hour rest. This would have been the case if his roommate didn't stay up until 4 am playing WOW in his laptop. That wasn't the bad part, the fact that he was constantly pounding on the keys kept me up all night. I can fall asleep fairly well when people are typing on the computer, but he was shoving his fingers into the keys. I actually ended up crying because I was so tired and couldn't sleep, not to mention Aaron didn't do a thing about it. Every time I would get close and...type, type, type, type, hit the keys, type, type, type. So instead of 8 hours, I got 4.
Oh and another minor annoyance. I bought this really cool water bottle last weekend and lost it within 3 days. WTF.
The only good news I can come up with is the fact that I got a 100% on my Intro to Logic quiz. I was pretty excited, especially when I realized the quiz wasn't as easy for some people as I thought it was. Same with one of my midterms for another class. I ended up with an 86%, but out of a class of 35, only 9 got a B or above. So I guess in comparison my academic life is doing much better.
Sorry to rant. This week has just been the first truly awful week of my college life. I needed to share it with someone.
On Wednesday I left for class really late (I accidentally slept in) and forgot to grab my school ID (which doubles as my room key). I come back 90 minutes later knowing one of my two roommates would still be sleeping, but even though I called them each 10 times no one answered. I pounded on the door for a good 10 minutes. POUNDED. And nothing, so I went down to get a temp card, my 3rd temp card this year, which means the next one I get I'll have to pay for it, and got back into my room. What do I see but one of my roommates asleep in her bunk. I was PISSED. There's absolutely NO WAY she didn't hear me banging on the door and calling her repeatedly. She's one of the lightest sleepers I've ever met. And on top of that I had left her a voicemail when I called telling her I was locked out. It's been 3 days, so she must have heard it by now. She hasn't said a word to me about it, so I'm pretty much not talking to her. This isn't even the first thing she's done to piss me off. She gets drunk all the time - to the point of throwing up and pissing her pants - and allows her friends to touch and mess with my things. I'm really done with her at this point. It's ridiculous.
Besides that I had a bogus pop quiz in my film class. The TA thinks no one reads the chapters the teacher assigns, so instead of asking us he gave us a quiz. Lovely, since I did all the reading but didn't understand it (film theory can be pretty difficult to sift through), so of course I couldn't answer any of the questions.
And the icing on top of the cake happened last night. I was sleeping over at Aaron's when we decided to go to sleep at 11:30, pretty early if you ask me. We were supposed to get up at 8, meaning I'd get a good 8 1/2 hour rest. This would have been the case if his roommate didn't stay up until 4 am playing WOW in his laptop. That wasn't the bad part, the fact that he was constantly pounding on the keys kept me up all night. I can fall asleep fairly well when people are typing on the computer, but he was shoving his fingers into the keys. I actually ended up crying because I was so tired and couldn't sleep, not to mention Aaron didn't do a thing about it. Every time I would get close and...type, type, type, type, hit the keys, type, type, type. So instead of 8 hours, I got 4.
Oh and another minor annoyance. I bought this really cool water bottle last weekend and lost it within 3 days. WTF.
The only good news I can come up with is the fact that I got a 100% on my Intro to Logic quiz. I was pretty excited, especially when I realized the quiz wasn't as easy for some people as I thought it was. Same with one of my midterms for another class. I ended up with an 86%, but out of a class of 35, only 9 got a B or above. So I guess in comparison my academic life is doing much better.
Sorry to rant. This week has just been the first truly awful week of my college life. I needed to share it with someone.
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