Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Feeling kind of failure right now.

I'm watching Dance Moms right now and I wish I could have been dancing from the age of 6. Then maybe I wouldn't be at the same stage now that 12-year-olds who have been dancing since they could walk are at.

Day eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why?
I don't have a favorite. I get most of my thinspo from other girls' blogs, and it really just depends on the group of photos someone uploads in a particular post. Sometimes I'll venture onto various sites, none of which I can remember the name of right now, but it's been a while since I've sat down and spent time looking for thinspo.

♥ Toni

P.S. - I'm going to apply to get promoted at work. Basically I'd be a supervisor, but we call them chiefs-of-staff. I kind of hope I get it because I've heard rumors my boss may promote people who just got hired a few months ago. Wish me luck?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's been a long summer.

Yeah so I know I suck. I'm sure it's not a surprise to a lot of you that I've been on kind of a hiatus for pretty much all of summer. My weight has been the same. I'm so ready to head back to school and go to the gym. I miss it. And I feel horrible for not even keeping up with everyone else, but by the looks of it half of the blogs I follow haven't been posting recently either or have deleted their blogs altogether. The girls who have been writing have been doing so well. And I've just read the 50+ posts I've missed. Reading everyone's successes has lead me to have only a cup of coffee and a cookie so far today. I'm in the 122-124 range and it doesn't seem to be moving with how little I've been exercising.

And in my real life I feel so bored and uninspired. My only solace is in film. I dream of one day creating stories on the screen and making a fantasy for myself. In the past few weeks I've seen 30 Minutes or Less, The Help, The Kids are All Right, Hangover 2, Misery, Glee the Movie, and tons of others that I can't remember right now. I feel like writing something, like writing a script. I want to create stories that explore what I wish my life could be like. I've been having dreams about being with other people, other guys. I'm still with Aaron but this summer has been hard on our relationship. He's always saying that I'm not attracted to him but he does nothing about it. He doesn't go running or anything. He literally sits at home complaining that he's fat. And for some reason when I go to sleep all I dream about is other guys. Guys I've never met, guys who aren't Aaron. But I don't want to fill this post up with depressing topics. Onto the 30 Day challenge.

I'll just start where I left off:
Day 10 - What was the hardest thing you gave up during this "weight loss"?
Well I'm not doing so hot right now but when I was deepest into my dieting back in April and May I'd say just food in general was the hardest thing to give up. Just the freedom to eat whatever was not an option, and if I did let myself go overboard I felt horrible about myself. And in a month that's what I'll be faced with again because I do not want to stay this weight forever. I do want to lose another 10 or 15 lbs. I want to look good in anything. I don't want to look a shred of what I did at my heaviest. I want to be hot and turn heads. I want people to say I look even smaller than I look now.

I want to be this:

At this point it seems like a body even close to any of those girls is a million years away. I am determined to get down to at least 112 lbs by the end of this year. I'm hitting the gym hard when I go back to school. And I'm dragging Aaron along with me.

I'm glad you girls put up with me. I don't deserve it.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I went on a jog today. With tennis shoes and everything.

Bella, I didn't do this last post but I want to thank you for joining at a time when I feel so disconnected to everyone on Blogger. Thank you for your support.

30 Day Challenge
Day nine - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Yes. I remember a few isolated events. Like the time I was 12 and was at youth group and I jumped from the stage to a wooden platform on the ground and the boy I liked at the time said "I'm surprised you didn't break that." And yes, it was purposely meant as a jab to my weight. I've been called an obese circus midget by my own boyfriend's mother. Not to my face but I saw the e-mail she sent him. When I was a pre-teen my parents made a few comments here and there when I ate a few too many sweets. And I'm sure a few douche bag guys called me fat behind my back in high school. Since I've lost weight though I've had guys say I'm hot and I've been honked at while jogging down the street. It's a different kind of attention, and while either way I see it as demeaning towards women I guess I'd rather have the obnoxious guys honking at me. It beats crying over people calling me fat.

So I actually went on one of those aforementioned jogs today in what seems like forever. It's been something like a month since I've even put on my tennis shoes. It was only a 20 minute jog but I felt good afterwards. And I only got honked at once. I really want to lose some weight before school starts again, even if it's only 5 lbs. And I know if I work at it I can definitely lose 5 lbs in a month.

Hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow to read everyone's blogs. I hate not knowing what's been going on in everyone else's lives, but that's my fault. =/

Have a great night girlies,
♥ Toni

Monday, August 8, 2011

A week of absence.

So I guess having the 30 Day Challenge to answer to didn't really change the fact that I only visit Blogger once a week. I'm looking forward to reading every one else's posts...but I'm not looking forward to how much time it's going to take. lol But really I need to get crackalacking on keeping up with everyone. I feel bad that I'm not contributing as much. =(

Day Three (August 3rd)- A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?
I have literally hundreds of thinspo pictures, some of which I haven't looked at in weeks, which makes it pretty much impossible to pick just one picture that sums up the body I want, but this one does it pretty well:
This comes from a folder I've labled "abs." I want tight, flat abs...that are also tan, just like these. And I want to show them off in a little white bikini someday.

Day Four (August 4th)- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
I guess my biggest one would be getting down to my UGW of 112 and finding out that it's not where I want to be. I'd hate to have spent so much time and effort getting down to 112 lbs only to find that I'd have to lose even more weight to feel really good about my body. As it is now I feel ok about it, but I want to feel great about it one day.

Day Five (August 5th)- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
I am. I am totally doing it for me. People say I was never fat, but 130 lbs on a 5'0" 12-year-old girl doesn't look proportionally right. And then of course most of you know I ballooned up to almost 150 last Thanksgiving, so I decided to take control of my weight. And the fact that my boyfriend thinks I look even hotter is definitely a plus. He always thought I looked beautiful, even at my heaviest. And he's a great guy for that.

Day Six (August 6th)- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
No, I've never eaten enough food to constitute what I would think of as a binge. To me that's eating thousands of calories in one sitting until you literally cannot eat anything else or you'll puke. I've wanted to upchuck my food at one point or another but that was only out of guilt, not being physically induced to do so.

Day Seven (August 7th)- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?
They know I've lost weight and they commented on it a lot when I first got home for the summer. They said I had a tiny waist and my butt had gotten smaller. I'm sure they know I'd like to lose a bit more weight but to them it's not really a cause for concern. I eat normally around them and since I haven't gained more than 1 or 2 lbs by my eating habits lately I'm just coasting through the summer and then hitting the gym hard once I get back to university. Then hopefully I can lose the last 10 lbs in a month or so.

Day Eight (August 8th)- Your workout routine.
Summer hasn't really yielded much exercise besides my dance classes, but during the school year I have kind of a bizarre (and potentially dangerous) workout routine. I try to go to the gym in the morning or early afternoon, and because I go early I try not to eat or drink anything before I go, which I know is bad. I do it so I can get the lowest possible weight for my weigh in afterward. So anyway, the last few months I went to the gym I basically just hit the elliptical for an hour, and in the final few weeks I'd jog a mile, go on the elliptical for an hour, and then jog another mile. Once I'm done I go to the locker room, use the bathroom, then strip down to my undies and weigh myself. And then I drink 24 oz of water in like 5 minutes because I'm so thirsty. As bad as it is this is probably what I'll revert back to once I head back to school.

So yeah I've been totally MIA the past few days. I've been working of course and yesterday I went to the lake with Aaron, a friend from school and his gf and then another friend from high school. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. We just laid out, ate some snacks, played around in the water, and that night we went to see the new Planet of the Apes movie. I think the CGI is AWESOME. All of the apes are CGI and they look soooooooo gooooooood. And he story is such a better origin story than the original 1980's sequel. I highly recommend it if you're into sci-fi...or James Franco.

Ok time for sleep. I really need to update these earlier in the day. I'm always so tired I feel like I don't post properly. Hope you're all well.

♥ Toni

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm short. I know.

30 Day Challenge
Day two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
I'm 5 feet tall. That's it. Not an inch taller. And to be honest I wish I were even two or three inches taller. Jeans would fit better, boots would look better on me, and I could get away with being just a few lbs heavier. And I guess I can get away with wearing heels of any height, but I don't even like heels. Dancing with Aaron, who is 6'2", is a nightmare. The upside is that I really do look much smaller compared to most other people because of how short I am. I've been this height since I was 10, so I really don't know anything else.

So today pretty much nothing really exciting happened. Aaron and I did got out and have some us time out on the outskirts of town, but that's really it. And that's good because we've been arguing lately.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Friends With Benefits with Jenna and we're going to check out this new sushi place in our hometown. I haven't had sushi since I met up with Olivia at the end of school (and that place wasn't even that good so I'll have to take her out to some much more well trusted sushi places come this fall) and I'm excited to have some again, plus this place has some pretty good reviews.

Food was kind of good, kind of bad today. I had a small bowl of frosted flakes, some tomato and cucumber salad, three fun size snickers bars, 2 dollar scoops from Baskin Robbins, and a caramel mocha and 4 chicken nuggets from McD's. It's less than I was eating but still more than I should be eating. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get away with some strawberries until sushi time. I weighed in at 123.5 lbs, but I'm gonna play the blame game on my period. I don't like to do that but it makes me feel better.

Oh well, time for bed. Hope you all are having good summer days. And good luck if any of you are trying to get into Pottermore! I'm ElmPixie52!

♥ Toni

P.S.- Awkward is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than Secret Life when it comes to portraying sex, plus it's funny!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Oh Goodness Me

Another week of no posting. I've caught up on all the blogs and I've decided to have a post of my own. I finally have a few exciting things (kind of) to talk about. Oh and I'm up to 86 followers! Thank you lovely girls! I'm less than 15 away to 100, that's crazy. celebrate the first of August I've decided to do the 30 Day Challenge:

Day One- Your stats.
Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?
Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?
Day Eight- Your workout routine.
Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”
Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!
Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?
Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia
Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience.
Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

So there's all the questions. I've been wanting to do this for a while but I couldn't find a list of the questions all in one place.

I think I'm ready to start restricting again. The past few days I haven't been as hungry and I've probably eaten less than 1000 calories. I'm still at the 121/122 lbs range but I can probably lose a lb a week, which would put me at 116 by the time school starts. I probably won't start counting again until I go back to school but I can tell I'm just not eating as much.

I just watched a few episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny. Those British women are a hoot. And now there;s a new episode of Dr. Phil on about anorexia. It's from 4 years ago and I've seen it before but there's nothing else on that I want to watch. Oh and you know how Borders is closing? Perfect time to but Wasted and Wintergirls at a super low price! I don't mean to sound like I'm diving into unhealthy eating habits because I'm not, but it would just be nice to have some motivation to stop eating whatever I want, you know?

Oh and so I slept over at my grandma's last night because I haven't spent time with her in a while and my younger cousins sometimes leave clothes in the dresser in the kid's guest room. My 12-year-old cousin left a pair of her old jeans, size 12 1/2. I tried them on. They fit. I fit in kid sizes again! Do you know what that means? No longer having to hem my jeans because I'm a mutant with midget legs. Of course I need to lose just a few more lbs to make sure I can fit comfortably into kid's sizes, but I'm pretty excited. Don't worry though, I'm not talking about weird fraying or bedazzled or acid wash kid's jeans, just basic denim that costs less and fits length-wise.

And is anyone else trying to get into Pottermore? I'm staying up as long as it takes to find that quill and get that clue! So I'm going to go refresh my Pottermore page every 30 seconds for the next two hours. I'll leave you with my first answer o the 30 Day Challenge:

Day One- Your stats.
Well they're on the side panel but I'll put them up on this post too.
Name: Toni
Age: 19
Height: 5 ft. 0 in.
Current weight: 122 lbs.
Highest weight: 148 lbs. (Thanksgiving 2010, age 18)
Lowest weight: 118 lbs. (Summer 2006, age 14)

And then all my goal weights are to the side as well.

Alright ladies, hopefully I'll be posting every day now that I'm doing the challenge so I'll see you all tomorrow. =)

♥ Toni

P.S.- I'm PISSED that Rachel and Brendon are up for eviction on Big Brother. Anyone else with me?