Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Grr goes my tummy.

For the first time in a long time I can hear my stomach growling and I have no immediate urge to eat anything or make it stop.


*gets on soap box*

You all have no idea how much I HATE casual sex.

*steps off soap box*

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Tonight, no more than five minutes ago, I looked in the mirror. I looked at my legs, my thighs, my tummy, my ass in a thong, my breasts, and my face...and I felt beautiful. And not just the "I'm happy with my appearance no matter how much I weigh" kind of beautiful. I felt sexually attractive, like in the sense of how I envy so many other girls in my thinspo and in real life. This whole time I've been with Oliver I've been asking myself how I could possibly be attractive enough to satisfy him because he's so unimaginably gorgeous, and for the first time I looked at myself and thought "hell yeah, I'm fucking hot, and I have a hot boyfriend, and we have hot sex because we're hot!" I don't know if I'll still feel this way in the morning, but I hope so. I still want to lose 10 lbs, and getting back into the groove of working out should help. I feel like when I get back to the gym I'll really start counting my calories again. I really only keep track of what I eat if I'm also working out at the same time.

I also got a tumblr. It's really just a blog with a bunch of things I like in it, but already a good portion of that is thinspo. Follow me if you want! It's got the same title as this blog and I have the same username.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hey y'all. Just wanted to stop in for a quick update. So I've lost approximately 1.5 lbs since coming home. I was down to 121 but that's if I don't eat much all day and then weigh myself in the morning on a growling tummy. Meh. Oh well. Believe it or not I'm actually too busy with all this Christmas planning to pay attention to what I'm eating. I'm just sticking to eating the least amount I can get away with, which was slightly difficult this past weekend.

I went to Oliver's hometown to visit him and meet his family. They were all very nice and I got to attend their Christmas party, with food galore. Plus Oliver took me out to lunch sooooooo, lots and lots of food. I'm still reeling from the after effects of it all.

But seeing him was so great. I miss him terribly, probably even more so now because I got to spend that weekend with him. I cannot wait for this break to be over and go back to school. A month of celibacy is...well, not something I would do by choice, if you catch my drift.

I need to find some time soon to actually post something that's not about my love life. I mean for God's sake this is my ED blog. But I guess I'm not feeling so disordered at the moment. Tis good I suppose, but I really want to get down to 118 by the end of break. I haven't even touched my running shoes since I got home. It's just so cold and I'm so busy. =/

Well, I hope to update again soon with something interesting. Until then, I'll be catching up on blogs, still. haha

♥ Toni

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hearts Break, People Change, Life Goes On

Imagine my surprise to find out that Aaron has somewhat moved on already. I.e. he had sex with someone. Never mind that it was rebound. She likes him. He likes her underneath the fact that he still loves me. She's thin. And taller than me. Hm.

All I've had to eat today was a tangelo and a cup of green tea. I want to be thinner. Thinner than the girl Oliver had sex with. Thinner than the girl Aaron is currently having sex with. I weighed in at 121 lbs this morning. Down by 3 lbs since the last time I weighed myself. I'd like to be 118 by the time I go back to school. That shouldn't be too hard. I mean I lost the 3 lbs without even working out. It's been all restriction.

I appreciate the comments I got on my last few posts. It helped. I was freaking out for a while. I'm still not quite past the stuff I was worrying about, but it's better I suppose.

I'll post later with my net intake, maybe even thinspo.


Monday, December 5, 2011

I went to the dining hall only for tea.

focaccia  pizza, half slice
slice of pumpkin bread
chinese chicken salad, small plate
ciabatta roll
green tea

I want to throw up but I'm not getting out of bed. Not studying for my final tomorrow. Listening to Melancholia's soundtrack, Tristan and Isolde Prelude. Felt guilty about eating for the first time since June. I'm making myself gag to try to feel better.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Screw It.

I might as well finish the 30 Day Challenge I dragged out into a whole summer.

Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
I suppose I'll be going about it the unhealthy way now.

Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
112 lbs. I want to reach it by the end of next quarter, which is some time in March.

Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
No. I like meat and dairy too much. I tried and failed miraculously some time last year and decided after a week that it wasn't for me.

Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Well I started this weight loss blog last December, but for the past 6 months I haven't been keeping up with my weight loss regimen, so I'm starting again now, today.

Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
I consider myself ED/NOS at times. As of this very moment, no, I do not have an eating disorder, but once you go through a period of your life where you have disordered eating it's very hard not to carry that with you the rest of your life. At various times it'll just pop back up unexpectedly and there's really no telling when it could happen.

Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Bread. No doubt about it. Bagels, potato bread, rolls, buns, ciabatta, baguettes, whatever you can think of really.

Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Maybe a week ago? And it was Taco Bell.

Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
I rather enjoy the Skinny Girl Diet, but in general I like to keep my net calories under 800 every day.

Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
I wear a small or medium shirt, dress, and skirt, depending on the brand, and anywhere from a size 4-8 in pants.

Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
The summer before my freshman year I had my first brief flirtation with ED/NOS. I got down to 118 lbs. I gained because I got lazy I guess. I made my high school's dance/drill team and that consumed a lot of time.

Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Not this time, no. Sure, thinspo helps, but I want to be the size I said I was going to get down to.

Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?
I'm ok with them. I'm well-aware that what I do is more of a lifestyle choice than an actual real-life disorder, but I'm sure it's a mix of both. I don't actively call what I post pro-ana or pro-mia, but I can see the appeal of that kind of branding.

Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience.
Yes. I'm not sure if this contradicts an earlier post of mine, because if very well might, but I believe my first successful purging took place last year. It was ice cream. It was still cold when it came up and didn't taste very different than it did going down. Since then the only other times I've successfully purged have been with ice cream.

Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
To be honest, I don't know. I want the cellulite to go away. I want to know that I can contort myself into any pose and not one part of me will look fat. I want a flat stomach and thighs that don't touch. I want my boobs to be small enough so that I don't have to wear a bra if I don't want to. And if I'm being honest, I want to be thinner than the girl Oliver had sex with. Is that stupid and vain? I think it is, but I still want it. I want to be able to know I can keep myself in check, that I can change something and that it's entirely in my hands to do so.

Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Well, we'll have to see, won't we?

Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Yes. Because it'll mean that I'm thin.

Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
I'm still trying to figure that one out. Rose Byrne is a good example, though.

Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?
I'll save this for tomorrow.


Here we fucking go again.

I feel sick.
I feel ashamed.
I feel insecure.
I feel fat (again).
I feel digusted.
I feel depressed.
I feel out of control.

...and most of that isn't even about food.

I'm seeing someone else.
Bear with me. This post has mostly nothing to do with the foreboding ED I know I'm going to fall back into.
I've been gone a long time, and while I'm sorting through everyone else's posts (at least those of the girls who didn't decide to leave), I need to play catch up.
Aaron and I broke up, and by that I mean I broke up with him. Most of it was because I just kind of fell out of love with him. I needed a change. I needed something new and fresh because we weren't working. But no matter how much I try to deny it, I know I ended it because of someone else. His name is Oliver.
And even though I'm sure there won't be a ton of people reading this due to my prolonged absence, I need to get everything out there.
First off, when I'm in a relationship, my attraction to other people goes down to zero. It's just not an option for me, so imagine my surprise when this handsome 20-year-old walked into my life and BAM, I ended a two and a half year relationship for him. It didn't start out that way. We were friendly, we hung out in groups, sometimes drinking, other times watching Firefly (such a fucking awesome show, by the way). We talked. For hours. We have so much in common. He's hot. He thinks I'm beautiful, despite my doubts. He loves my body. I want to be thinner, but I'll get to that. I stopped hanging out with Aaron. The last time we had sex it felt wrong. That was a month ago. I broke up with him on the 11th of November. I started dating Oliver on the 17th.
He was a virgin when I met him. That was Halloween. A week and a half later he wasn't, and a week after that we were together. And no, as I'm sure you're thinking it wasn't me who popped his cherry. It makes me depressed thinking about it. I feel like a stupid, immature child. He's an adult, he can do as he pleases with whomever he wants, I just wish it hadn't been just before we got together is all. On top of that, who just fucking takes someone's virginity like that? What the fuck? She didn't even like him. She just thought he was hot. And believe me, she's been places. I mean, I'm all for having as much sex as you want and what not, but it may be the romantic in me that thinks your first time should be somewhat more than a random hookup with someone you don't know very well. I just, I know I'm being stupid about it. He's with me, and that's that but still. The whole thing leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.
And I don't mean to paint him in a bad light. He's pretty much everything I could have asked for in one guy. Gorgeous, smart, hard working, caring, funny, geeky, a good listener, driven, knows what he wants out of life. He tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses my back and tells me I'm gorgeous. We even have the same major and will be taking all of the same courses next quarter. But that one little thing just bugs the shit out of me. Am I being stupid for that? I'm dwelling on it too much, but does that make what I feel any less valid?
I took things too fast I think. On the 20th we had sex for the first time, three days after we were "official" or whatever you want to call it. Not that there's anything wrong with that  necessarily. Even though we've only known each other a month we both feel as if it's been a lot longer than that. Time works in mysterious ways where I live.
I told him I love him today. He said he'll get there and he's thought about saying it in the moment. I didn't want to say it. I couldn't stop myself. I knew he wasn't going to say it back. I was prepared. But then again I suppose I wasn't if I'm writing about it now. I fall too fast for people, people who can hurt me.
Winter break is coming up. Aaron wants to win me back, I know it. I'll always care about him, but I love him in a different way now. I want him to be my friend. He's planning all this stuff we're going to do over break. I think he just wants to see me. I'm planning on meeting Oliver's parents in his home town. He's coming to mine to meet my family as well.
I'm out of my league. With Aaron it was easy. I was in control. He's a mess without me. I feel horrible that I put a human being through that. With Oliver it's different. We're equals. I have no idea what's going to happen. It makes me want to stop eating, to be perfect. He says my body is amazing.
I want to go back to the way I was. Eating less than 1000 calories a day, burning most of those off, drinking only water and tea and coffee. Weighing myself every day. Almost fainting.
I'm stuck at 124. That's not so bad. I want 112. I want my drive back. I want to be hungry when I go to sleep.

Everything has been going so well, and yet here I am. Back to start again where I was a year ago. This time though, I'm smaller. The reasons have changed. I'm ready to get down to what I said I was going to achieve. Here we fucking go again.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Three Months

I've been gone three months. Holy shit. Tons has changed. And I see a lot has changed for you beauties as well. My mission over winter break: catch up on it all. I have to tell you what's been going on. And I'm actually surprised I have anything over zero followers right now. I feel terrible for posting absolutely nothing my first quarter back at college, but I'll try my best to make up for it.

Love, love, love,