Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I always tell myself that I'm not going to eat the next day.
And then I do and I feel like a fat fucking failure. I feel so bloated right now, and I never feel bloated. I don't want to eat tomorrow. At all.
Monday, December 5, 2011
I went to the dining hall only for tea.
focaccia pizza, half slice
slice of pumpkin bread
chinese chicken salad, small plate
ciabatta roll
green tea
I want to throw up but I'm not getting out of bed. Not studying for my final tomorrow. Listening to Melancholia's soundtrack, Tristan and Isolde Prelude. Felt guilty about eating for the first time since June. I'm making myself gag to try to feel better.
slice of pumpkin bread
chinese chicken salad, small plate
ciabatta roll
green tea
I want to throw up but I'm not getting out of bed. Not studying for my final tomorrow. Listening to Melancholia's soundtrack, Tristan and Isolde Prelude. Felt guilty about eating for the first time since June. I'm making myself gag to try to feel better.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
This is not how I expected my summer to go. Someone please save me.
I haven't been sticking to the SGD. I haven't even been counting calories. I'm just eating and if I eat too much and gain weight I eat less, so my weight has stayed at about 122 lbs. Yesterday it was up to 125.5. I suppose it's weight fluctuations but I still feel horrible about the fact that I haven't lost any permanent weight in over a month. I. better. not. be. plateauing. Fuck.
I guess this would be good...if I didn't want to lose another 10 lbs. I want to be thinner, not weigh the same all summer. I just keep eating. It's so hard to resist at home where my parents are watching me all the time. But I work from noon to 8:30 tomorrow so I think I'll just stick to water. I want to be 120 by the end of the week.
If I had to guess I'd say I had maybe 1,200 calories today. Not good enough. It doesn't help that it was raining all day so I couldn't go outside and jog. I did some exercises in my room but they were mostly muscle building exercises, not the cardio I need to do to burn this fat off.
It's only 10pm and I'm already tired. I got 8 hours of sleep last night but I guess this past sleep-deprived week is catching up to me. I'm already tired of summer being more busy than the school year. This is not how my break was supposed to go, and when dance classes start up again next week my days will be even more packed. Great...
I hope I have better news for you all tomorrow (if I post, sorry I've been lagging in that department). I hope I'm not getting depressed, that's the last thing I need right now. Thank goodness for Daniel Tosh. He's one funny man. And not too bad on the eyes either. ;)
I guess this would be good...if I didn't want to lose another 10 lbs. I want to be thinner, not weigh the same all summer. I just keep eating. It's so hard to resist at home where my parents are watching me all the time. But I work from noon to 8:30 tomorrow so I think I'll just stick to water. I want to be 120 by the end of the week.
If I had to guess I'd say I had maybe 1,200 calories today. Not good enough. It doesn't help that it was raining all day so I couldn't go outside and jog. I did some exercises in my room but they were mostly muscle building exercises, not the cardio I need to do to burn this fat off.
It's only 10pm and I'm already tired. I got 8 hours of sleep last night but I guess this past sleep-deprived week is catching up to me. I'm already tired of summer being more busy than the school year. This is not how my break was supposed to go, and when dance classes start up again next week my days will be even more packed. Great...
I hope I have better news for you all tomorrow (if I post, sorry I've been lagging in that department). I hope I'm not getting depressed, that's the last thing I need right now. Thank goodness for Daniel Tosh. He's one funny man. And not too bad on the eyes either. ;)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I'm not going to fuck today up.
I'm sorry I didn't post last night. I need to get out of the habit of skipping days on the blog.
Thank you ALL for all of your lovely comments: Scarlett, Nichole S., Adrian, Thin or Not, Gianni, Christy, Olivia Lee, Sofia, Amber, Violet, Peanut, and Kat not Jas. Wow, you girls are just amazing and I'm really glad I joined blogger back in December because you are all beautiful and awesome - awesome followers and fellow bloggers!
Up to 58 followers! Wasn't it just a few days ago that I hit 50? I'm really excited that my blog is growing. ^_^
So yeah it turns out my night spent with Aaron Tuesday night was probably my last for the whole summer. He's already left school because he's done with all of his finals and was supposed to be going to his uncle's funeral in L.A. today, but they got a flat tire so they ended up just going to Sacramento, which is where they moved to. I used to be able to walk to Aaron's house in less than 10 minutes and now I'll only see him once a week maybe! But I guess it's a good thing, he thinks a little time away may make our relationship better, plus we'll be living closer to each other next school term when we come back to university. Plus I can focus more on working my two jobs and going to dance class if he's not around to distract me.
I officially ended school yesterday when I e-mailed my TA my last essay and now I have three days to pack until I leave for home. My first year of college is already over. It went by so fast! Ugh I'm tired of growing up and seeing the world fly by, but such is life.
Food hasn't been great. Every day I have a set plan but someone always cajoles me into eating and I feel horrible afterwards. Thankfully I've been losing weight (down to 123.75 as of yesterday), but not as much as I hoped I would. To be honest I ate after I posted on Monday, so my -10 net intake was probably somewhere more around 600. I'm not sure. Tuesday I went to the dining hall after I calculated all my calories. I was under my limit and all I was going to have was coffee, but I ended up eating cheesy bread, a giant bowl of frosted flakes, and tri tip. Yesterday wasn't much better. I didn't know the university gym closed early this week so I only had 20 minutes on the elliptical. I burned 260 calories (I pushed myself as hard as I could go) and decided to, and this might sound crazy, run the track. I don't run. I hate running. But I ran. And I did a mile in something like 10.5 minutes and burned another 90 calories. So to make up for my lack of exercise yesterday I'm going back today once the overcast was dissipated and I'm going to run 2 miles, spend an hour on the elliptical, then run another 2 miles. That should burn over 1000 calories easily.
So last night's eating I can totally add up and tell you. I was saving most of my food until "dinner" (if you can even call it that). To celebrate the end of finals Jenna and I were going to pig out on Totino's pizza rolls. This was before I had to cut my workout short. I for breakfast I had eaten a lemon poppyseed muffin (130 cal), 1/3 of a belgian waffle (90 cal), 1/2 tbsp butter (50 cal), and 2 tbsp syrup (105 cal) and my total was 375 calories. I burned 350 at the gym. And then my friends were all "Hey Toni we're going out to eat at Burger. Wanna go?" And I was all "Ok but I might not eat anything because I'm planning on a pizza roll party with Jenna later." And they were all "Ok." I ended up eating a hot dog with mac-n-cheese on it (that alone is 400 calories), french fries (225 cal), and 16 oz of Sprite (155 cal). And on top of that I still had the pizza rolls, 12 of them (420 cal). Yup, my net intake came to 1225 calories. I heavily doubt that the scale will tell me that I've lost weight. =/
Today I am sticking to my plan. I'm not gonna be Fatso McGee today. I'm going to limit my net intake to 1000 and burn more than 1000. I'm not going to fuck up.
Thank you ALL for all of your lovely comments: Scarlett, Nichole S., Adrian, Thin or Not, Gianni, Christy, Olivia Lee, Sofia, Amber, Violet, Peanut, and Kat not Jas. Wow, you girls are just amazing and I'm really glad I joined blogger back in December because you are all beautiful and awesome - awesome followers and fellow bloggers!
Up to 58 followers! Wasn't it just a few days ago that I hit 50? I'm really excited that my blog is growing. ^_^
So yeah it turns out my night spent with Aaron Tuesday night was probably my last for the whole summer. He's already left school because he's done with all of his finals and was supposed to be going to his uncle's funeral in L.A. today, but they got a flat tire so they ended up just going to Sacramento, which is where they moved to. I used to be able to walk to Aaron's house in less than 10 minutes and now I'll only see him once a week maybe! But I guess it's a good thing, he thinks a little time away may make our relationship better, plus we'll be living closer to each other next school term when we come back to university. Plus I can focus more on working my two jobs and going to dance class if he's not around to distract me.
I officially ended school yesterday when I e-mailed my TA my last essay and now I have three days to pack until I leave for home. My first year of college is already over. It went by so fast! Ugh I'm tired of growing up and seeing the world fly by, but such is life.
Food hasn't been great. Every day I have a set plan but someone always cajoles me into eating and I feel horrible afterwards. Thankfully I've been losing weight (down to 123.75 as of yesterday), but not as much as I hoped I would. To be honest I ate after I posted on Monday, so my -10 net intake was probably somewhere more around 600. I'm not sure. Tuesday I went to the dining hall after I calculated all my calories. I was under my limit and all I was going to have was coffee, but I ended up eating cheesy bread, a giant bowl of frosted flakes, and tri tip. Yesterday wasn't much better. I didn't know the university gym closed early this week so I only had 20 minutes on the elliptical. I burned 260 calories (I pushed myself as hard as I could go) and decided to, and this might sound crazy, run the track. I don't run. I hate running. But I ran. And I did a mile in something like 10.5 minutes and burned another 90 calories. So to make up for my lack of exercise yesterday I'm going back today once the overcast was dissipated and I'm going to run 2 miles, spend an hour on the elliptical, then run another 2 miles. That should burn over 1000 calories easily.
So last night's eating I can totally add up and tell you. I was saving most of my food until "dinner" (if you can even call it that). To celebrate the end of finals Jenna and I were going to pig out on Totino's pizza rolls. This was before I had to cut my workout short. I for breakfast I had eaten a lemon poppyseed muffin (130 cal), 1/3 of a belgian waffle (90 cal), 1/2 tbsp butter (50 cal), and 2 tbsp syrup (105 cal) and my total was 375 calories. I burned 350 at the gym. And then my friends were all "Hey Toni we're going out to eat at Burger. Wanna go?" And I was all "Ok but I might not eat anything because I'm planning on a pizza roll party with Jenna later." And they were all "Ok." I ended up eating a hot dog with mac-n-cheese on it (that alone is 400 calories), french fries (225 cal), and 16 oz of Sprite (155 cal). And on top of that I still had the pizza rolls, 12 of them (420 cal). Yup, my net intake came to 1225 calories. I heavily doubt that the scale will tell me that I've lost weight. =/
Today I am sticking to my plan. I'm not gonna be Fatso McGee today. I'm going to limit my net intake to 1000 and burn more than 1000. I'm not going to fuck up.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
This post is too long and all over the place.
You know, I never did quite figure out why so many girls followed like 13650921475 blogs, but I currently just started following My Mission to a Thin Me, which is my 37th blog. I never thought I'd be to the point where I'd be reading so many, but I really like seeing a new post every time I log on.
So last night was pretty fun. A group of myself, Aaron, and a few of my friends went out to eat at a burger place called "Burger.". It's really spelled with a period at the end. They have some crazy combinations like burgers in between two glazed doughnuts or in the middle of grilled cheeses. I ordered a relatively tame burger with macaroni and cheese slathered on top and a chocolate shake. Very delicious. And then afterwards we went to CVS where I got Redvines, Tootsie Rolls, Sour Punch Straws, and gummi worms. And today my friends sang me happy birthday (a day early) and gave me a whole plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls, my FAVORITE. Yeah, I wasn't kidding about the not caring about what I eat thing. And today was only slightly better than yesterday. I was full for days last night. Tomorrow I'm starting the SGD again per Thin or Not's challenge. I really need to get back into paying attention to what goes into my body. I'll see all the damage tomorrow on the scale after I go to the gym (oh yeah, spent my time studying, eating, and sleeping instead of working out like I said I would today).
One good bit of news: last night I was trying to decide what to wear before I went out. A few months ago I bought this cute purple knit mini dress (although on my 5'0" frame it doesn't look so mini) from Rue21. It fit really well and even had a stretchy black belt that came with it that hid my excess belly flab. Now...it's too big. I mean, it still fits, but you can tell that it just doesn't hug my body the way it used to. I guess that's good. I can really see changes in my body, but it's really starting to irk me that I'm going to either have to A) buy a bunch of new clothes that fit right B) pay someone to take a bunch of my clothes in or C) take the clothes in myself and risk doing it wrong. I have a friend whose mom can tailor clothes really well. She's a very traditional Asian woman and doesn't like to accept money from her daughter's friends, so I can go that route. I know I'll feel bad though giving a ton of stuff to this woman to take in and her being very polite and not wanting me to pay her. And I know with all the stuff I have it could cost up to $200 for me to take it to an actual paid tailor. I have pants, shirts, dresses, skirts, a jacket, and shorts that not longer fit at all. When I get back home I'm definitely going to have to try on everything I own and figure out what needs just a little work done and sew it myself.
Finals are coming tomorrow. At 8 am. On my birthday. Fuck. And I need to study still. Haha. I've spent the better part of the weekend on the internet looking for summer dance classes. I've found a pretty good studio to take an adult Intro to Ballet class and an Intermediate Jazz class. And it's fairly comparable in price. $48 for one class a week and $94 for two/week for 4 weeks (there are two summer sessions that are 4 weeks long) It's in the next town though and I still have to check about the studio that's literally around the corner from my house. Damn dancers who refuse to have a website for their services. I have to call. Oh well, if it's about the same price I may just go there, but I definitely have to go to at least one class from each to get the feeling for the studio. Ugh why am I going on about this, I'm sure it's boring all of you.
Up to 54 followers! Thank you Gianni, Tempest, and JellyBelly for signing on, even though I'm going through kind of a rough time with food atm.
Ok I really need to study and go to bed by midnight if I want to get any decent amount of sleep for tomorrow. My only solace, this final is only worth 7% of my grade. Too bad I think my game presentation sucked balls!
Thinspo will be back once I believe I can control the black hole which is my stomach.
♥ Toni
So last night was pretty fun. A group of myself, Aaron, and a few of my friends went out to eat at a burger place called "Burger.". It's really spelled with a period at the end. They have some crazy combinations like burgers in between two glazed doughnuts or in the middle of grilled cheeses. I ordered a relatively tame burger with macaroni and cheese slathered on top and a chocolate shake. Very delicious. And then afterwards we went to CVS where I got Redvines, Tootsie Rolls, Sour Punch Straws, and gummi worms. And today my friends sang me happy birthday (a day early) and gave me a whole plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls, my FAVORITE. Yeah, I wasn't kidding about the not caring about what I eat thing. And today was only slightly better than yesterday. I was full for days last night. Tomorrow I'm starting the SGD again per Thin or Not's challenge. I really need to get back into paying attention to what goes into my body. I'll see all the damage tomorrow on the scale after I go to the gym (oh yeah, spent my time studying, eating, and sleeping instead of working out like I said I would today).
One good bit of news: last night I was trying to decide what to wear before I went out. A few months ago I bought this cute purple knit mini dress (although on my 5'0" frame it doesn't look so mini) from Rue21. It fit really well and even had a stretchy black belt that came with it that hid my excess belly flab. Now...it's too big. I mean, it still fits, but you can tell that it just doesn't hug my body the way it used to. I guess that's good. I can really see changes in my body, but it's really starting to irk me that I'm going to either have to A) buy a bunch of new clothes that fit right B) pay someone to take a bunch of my clothes in or C) take the clothes in myself and risk doing it wrong. I have a friend whose mom can tailor clothes really well. She's a very traditional Asian woman and doesn't like to accept money from her daughter's friends, so I can go that route. I know I'll feel bad though giving a ton of stuff to this woman to take in and her being very polite and not wanting me to pay her. And I know with all the stuff I have it could cost up to $200 for me to take it to an actual paid tailor. I have pants, shirts, dresses, skirts, a jacket, and shorts that not longer fit at all. When I get back home I'm definitely going to have to try on everything I own and figure out what needs just a little work done and sew it myself.
Finals are coming tomorrow. At 8 am. On my birthday. Fuck. And I need to study still. Haha. I've spent the better part of the weekend on the internet looking for summer dance classes. I've found a pretty good studio to take an adult Intro to Ballet class and an Intermediate Jazz class. And it's fairly comparable in price. $48 for one class a week and $94 for two/week for 4 weeks (there are two summer sessions that are 4 weeks long) It's in the next town though and I still have to check about the studio that's literally around the corner from my house. Damn dancers who refuse to have a website for their services. I have to call. Oh well, if it's about the same price I may just go there, but I definitely have to go to at least one class from each to get the feeling for the studio. Ugh why am I going on about this, I'm sure it's boring all of you.
Up to 54 followers! Thank you Gianni, Tempest, and JellyBelly for signing on, even though I'm going through kind of a rough time with food atm.
Ok I really need to study and go to bed by midnight if I want to get any decent amount of sleep for tomorrow. My only solace, this final is only worth 7% of my grade. Too bad I think my game presentation sucked balls!
Thinspo will be back once I believe I can control the black hole which is my stomach.
♥ Toni
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'm not good enough...yet.
Tuesday. I haven't posted since Tuesday. Is that a record? I'm sorry, I've been feeling really shitty about...well about pretty much everything the past few days. On Wednesday I weighed in at 119.75 after going to the gym in the morning. Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm a few lbs heavier than that now. I've been eating a ton and not counting. I've been going to the gym but not weighing. I skipped the gym today because I'm so sore from all the dancing I did on Thursday and the workout I did on Friday.
Speaking of dancing, of course this whole binge thing probably wouldn't have happened if I had made the team this time around. I felt really good about my audition. My across the floors were alright, the dance wasn't perfect but I did better than one or two of the girls who was already on the team. I got an e-mail yesterday saying that if I had just a bit more jazz/ballet training I would be fit for the team. So that's what I'm going to do this summer. On top of working at the movie theater and working for my parents' farm I'm looking into taking local ballet and jazz classes to up my technique. The cost will probably be somewhere between $150-$200 for the whole summer depending on where I take them, but I'm working towards only three things this summer: losing these last 10 or so lbs, making enough money to feed myself next school year, and building up my dancing to make the dance team, no matter the cost. And it better be worth it, because I think this last audition in the Fall will be my last. If I don't make the team my sophomore year then I just don't see the point. In my mind being on a team for only two years seems like it's not worth it. At least if I make the team I'll be on it for a majority of my college career.
Tonight is my birthday party. My actual birthday is on Monday, but we're celebrating before finals week. I've barely eaten anything - a cup of coffee and three sugar cookies. It's my party, so I'm not worrying about calories tonight. I'm going to get an awesome burger (what else would I get from a place called "Burger."?), possibly a milkshake, and popcorn and candy for the movie and I'm not going to care about it! I'm going to have fun. And then tomorrow I'm going right back to restricting, counting, and weighing. I broke the 120 barrier earlier this week and I can do it again.
I've just caught up on all of your posts and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting much more frequently in the future. I just needed a mini break for a bit while I rebounded from the shittiness going on lately.
Love you all,
Toni
Speaking of dancing, of course this whole binge thing probably wouldn't have happened if I had made the team this time around. I felt really good about my audition. My across the floors were alright, the dance wasn't perfect but I did better than one or two of the girls who was already on the team. I got an e-mail yesterday saying that if I had just a bit more jazz/ballet training I would be fit for the team. So that's what I'm going to do this summer. On top of working at the movie theater and working for my parents' farm I'm looking into taking local ballet and jazz classes to up my technique. The cost will probably be somewhere between $150-$200 for the whole summer depending on where I take them, but I'm working towards only three things this summer: losing these last 10 or so lbs, making enough money to feed myself next school year, and building up my dancing to make the dance team, no matter the cost. And it better be worth it, because I think this last audition in the Fall will be my last. If I don't make the team my sophomore year then I just don't see the point. In my mind being on a team for only two years seems like it's not worth it. At least if I make the team I'll be on it for a majority of my college career.
Tonight is my birthday party. My actual birthday is on Monday, but we're celebrating before finals week. I've barely eaten anything - a cup of coffee and three sugar cookies. It's my party, so I'm not worrying about calories tonight. I'm going to get an awesome burger (what else would I get from a place called "Burger."?), possibly a milkshake, and popcorn and candy for the movie and I'm not going to care about it! I'm going to have fun. And then tomorrow I'm going right back to restricting, counting, and weighing. I broke the 120 barrier earlier this week and I can do it again.
I've just caught up on all of your posts and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting much more frequently in the future. I just needed a mini break for a bit while I rebounded from the shittiness going on lately.
Love you all,
Toni
Monday, May 23, 2011
Back from the dead
Wow. I haven't posted since Thursday. Sorry if I haven't been commenting as frequently as I used to, but I've been reading everyone's posts. Like I said, this weekend was filled with stuff to do. Even with all of my planning I still stayed up until 2 :30 am last night writing an essay that was due at 8 am this morning.
Up to 48 followers! Surprising, since I didn't update all weekend, but thank you just the same. =)
Alright, so Saturday and Sunday were the big cheer tryouts. I didn't make the team. That's not really a huge issue for me at this point since I'd rather be dancing anyway, but I have great news. On Saturday we learned all the cheers and the dance and did some stunting. I have zero experience in cheerleading, much less in stunting. There are basically only two positions you can be: base or flyer. Guess which one I was told to be? Flyer! It was a big deal for me because I know only small girls do flying. I know I'm short and that had something to do with it but of course if you're 5'2" and 155 lbs you're pretty much going to lose over someone 30 lbs less than you. It just made me feel really good, like I'm actually getting somewhere with this weight loss.
So yeah, like I said I didn't make the cheer team, but that's ok. This weekend the dance team is performing their spring show and the weekend after they're holding tryouts for next year's team. If I don't make the cut I'll be extremely disappointed, but there's always tryouts again in the fall. Yay desperation! Haha but I did buy some split sole canvas ballet slippers. I used to own some but I lent them to a friend who now goes to CSU Longbeach. Needless to say I'm not getting them back. The replacements were only $20, and I'm enrolled in Jazz II for fall quarter so they'll come in handy.
I'm also officially declared a film pre-major, something I'm super excited about because it gives me higher priority for enrollment in film classes than non majors.
So maybe you guessed it but I'm kind of tip toeing around food. This weekend was pretty much a disaster. I ate a LOT. I'm hoping the weight gain isn't too bad. If it's not terrible (121-122) I'm aiming to be less that 118 by dance tryouts/my birthday (it's in 2 weeks! WTF?!) and if I'm anything over 123 my goal will be to get to at least 118. Just to be safe I'm keeping my food intake extra low and will be hitting the gym for a good hour to make up for it, although I'm suuuuuuuuuper sore from this weekend.
Ok, will update later. Promise.
Up to 48 followers! Surprising, since I didn't update all weekend, but thank you just the same. =)
Alright, so Saturday and Sunday were the big cheer tryouts. I didn't make the team. That's not really a huge issue for me at this point since I'd rather be dancing anyway, but I have great news. On Saturday we learned all the cheers and the dance and did some stunting. I have zero experience in cheerleading, much less in stunting. There are basically only two positions you can be: base or flyer. Guess which one I was told to be? Flyer! It was a big deal for me because I know only small girls do flying. I know I'm short and that had something to do with it but of course if you're 5'2" and 155 lbs you're pretty much going to lose over someone 30 lbs less than you. It just made me feel really good, like I'm actually getting somewhere with this weight loss.
So yeah, like I said I didn't make the cheer team, but that's ok. This weekend the dance team is performing their spring show and the weekend after they're holding tryouts for next year's team. If I don't make the cut I'll be extremely disappointed, but there's always tryouts again in the fall. Yay desperation! Haha but I did buy some split sole canvas ballet slippers. I used to own some but I lent them to a friend who now goes to CSU Longbeach. Needless to say I'm not getting them back. The replacements were only $20, and I'm enrolled in Jazz II for fall quarter so they'll come in handy.
I'm also officially declared a film pre-major, something I'm super excited about because it gives me higher priority for enrollment in film classes than non majors.
So maybe you guessed it but I'm kind of tip toeing around food. This weekend was pretty much a disaster. I ate a LOT. I'm hoping the weight gain isn't too bad. If it's not terrible (121-122) I'm aiming to be less that 118 by dance tryouts/my birthday (it's in 2 weeks! WTF?!) and if I'm anything over 123 my goal will be to get to at least 118. Just to be safe I'm keeping my food intake extra low and will be hitting the gym for a good hour to make up for it, although I'm suuuuuuuuuper sore from this weekend.
Ok, will update later. Promise.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Maybe I'll at least hit Weight Goal #5.
I'm sorry for not commenting much the past few days...and I'm sorry I haven't been sticking to my eating goals.
First it was 118 lbs by this Saturday.
Then it changed to 120.
Now I'm moving it up to 121.
This is because yesterday I did spectacular, and then not so spectacular. I finished the day with only 245 calories, and had burned off 675 at the gym, so a net total of -430. I didn't weigh myself though. I wanted Friday's disaster to wear off a little. Then I went to go see Raiders of the Lost Ark with Aaron and my friends at the local movie theater (they do midnight movies every weekend with classics films). I had a hot chocolate, some popcorn, and Reese's Pieces. Even though I know it wasn't much, I must have eaten at least 450 more calories, bringing my total to 695 calories and my net total to 20 calories. Yes, I know that's actually really good but I really wanted to stick to my planned intake for the week. So I've compromised. I'll try to stick to losing only 2 lbs by Saturday - at least I'll be at my next weight goal. =)
Today I didn't fare so well. Throughout the day I've been feeling more and more sick. Sneezing, fatigue (despite 8 hours of sleep), soreness. The whole 9 yards. And I had the runs. Sorry, that was probably TMA. How did I cope? I ate and didn't exercise. I had a turkey sandwich (375 cal), a slice of pepperoni pizza (150 cal), a milkshake (at least 450 cal), french fries (didn't keep track), and some cookies (something like 200 cal). So well over 1,200 calories. Not a binge, not restriction. I feel awful just the same though. My only solace is that my RMR will probably balance it out and I'll be neutral when it comes to weight gain. Tomorrow I'll at least be getting exercise.
New plan: eat a maximum of 550 calories and burn at least 700 calories a day. Actually, all I need is a net total of -150. With a resting metabolic rate of 1,250 I should, mathematically, be at 121 lbs by Saturday.
Mini celebration I've been forgetting to mention: at 123 lbs I've officially lost 25 lbs since my highest goal weight last Thanksgiving.
First it was 118 lbs by this Saturday.
Then it changed to 120.
Now I'm moving it up to 121.
This is because yesterday I did spectacular, and then not so spectacular. I finished the day with only 245 calories, and had burned off 675 at the gym, so a net total of -430. I didn't weigh myself though. I wanted Friday's disaster to wear off a little. Then I went to go see Raiders of the Lost Ark with Aaron and my friends at the local movie theater (they do midnight movies every weekend with classics films). I had a hot chocolate, some popcorn, and Reese's Pieces. Even though I know it wasn't much, I must have eaten at least 450 more calories, bringing my total to 695 calories and my net total to 20 calories. Yes, I know that's actually really good but I really wanted to stick to my planned intake for the week. So I've compromised. I'll try to stick to losing only 2 lbs by Saturday - at least I'll be at my next weight goal. =)
Today I didn't fare so well. Throughout the day I've been feeling more and more sick. Sneezing, fatigue (despite 8 hours of sleep), soreness. The whole 9 yards. And I had the runs. Sorry, that was probably TMA. How did I cope? I ate and didn't exercise. I had a turkey sandwich (375 cal), a slice of pepperoni pizza (150 cal), a milkshake (at least 450 cal), french fries (didn't keep track), and some cookies (something like 200 cal). So well over 1,200 calories. Not a binge, not restriction. I feel awful just the same though. My only solace is that my RMR will probably balance it out and I'll be neutral when it comes to weight gain. Tomorrow I'll at least be getting exercise.
New plan: eat a maximum of 550 calories and burn at least 700 calories a day. Actually, all I need is a net total of -150. With a resting metabolic rate of 1,250 I should, mathematically, be at 121 lbs by Saturday.
Mini celebration I've been forgetting to mention: at 123 lbs I've officially lost 25 lbs since my highest goal weight last Thanksgiving.
Will I ever be that thin, hot college chick?
♥ Toni
P.S.- Could be my imagination, but I think my gap is ever so slightly bigger. Progress. :D
P.S.- Could be my imagination, but I think my gap is ever so slightly bigger. Progress. :D
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I feel like a blimp.
I definitely ate a crapload for dinner with Aaron at 5 pm. 3 pieces of naan, more peach pie, and soup. Then I had second dinner! Pizza and soda, reeeeeeeeeal healthy. If that scale tomorrow shows 125 lbs I won't be surprised in the least. Why does this happen every weekend?!?! Well, not tomorrow, or the next day, or any day until Saturday, and even after that I need to stop allowing myself to feel like I've fucked up so much it doesn't matter.
I just calculated my resting RMR. It's 1,250, meaning that if I somehow don't gain permanent lbs from this lil' mini binge I'll have to stick to a strict calorie restriction of 400 calories and burn off 650 calories a day. That along with the deficit of 1,250 means I'll burn off 10,500 calories by the end of next Friday, which is exactly 3 lbs, which will bring me to my goal of 120 lbs. This should be fun...
I just calculated my resting RMR. It's 1,250, meaning that if I somehow don't gain permanent lbs from this lil' mini binge I'll have to stick to a strict calorie restriction of 400 calories and burn off 650 calories a day. That along with the deficit of 1,250 means I'll burn off 10,500 calories by the end of next Friday, which is exactly 3 lbs, which will bring me to my goal of 120 lbs. This should be fun...
Must. Have. Perfect. Body.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I think I lost weight by magic.
I will not attempt to bore you with how much I ate yesterday. To be honest I didn't think it would be as much as it ended up being. Long story short I ate 1,630 calories and only burned off 650, leaving me with a net total of 980 calories. Not a surprise that my weigh in last night was 124.
Miraculously, after my workout this morning (in which I burned off 420 calories), I weighed 123. How I lost a whole lb I'll never know, but this next week I am going to work my ass off to get to 120 by Saturday, and then I'll only need to lose 2.5 lbs per week to meet the goal of 115 by June 4.
Today I've already let myself have too much. I didn't eat before the gym, but had lunch afterwards which consisted of veggies and ranch (205 cal), a tostada with beans and guacamole (200 cal), and iced coffee with equal and 2 tbsp of Silm (15 cal), a super small piece of chocolate cake (50 cal), and a piece of peach pie (250 cal). That comes to 720 calories, 300 if you factor in the gym. This will not do. I need to keep my calories in check and start sticking to a better diet. Hm...I said these dame words about a week ago. Shows you how hard my dedication is, doesn't it? Well, I can't promise I won't eat again because I just asked a friend to grab dinner just before I logged on, so I'll just try to keep it super duper low in calories.
You know, I really don't need this added stress on top of finals and essays and all this other crap going on.
Miraculously, after my workout this morning (in which I burned off 420 calories), I weighed 123. How I lost a whole lb I'll never know, but this next week I am going to work my ass off to get to 120 by Saturday, and then I'll only need to lose 2.5 lbs per week to meet the goal of 115 by June 4.
Today I've already let myself have too much. I didn't eat before the gym, but had lunch afterwards which consisted of veggies and ranch (205 cal), a tostada with beans and guacamole (200 cal), and iced coffee with equal and 2 tbsp of Silm (15 cal), a super small piece of chocolate cake (50 cal), and a piece of peach pie (250 cal). That comes to 720 calories, 300 if you factor in the gym. This will not do. I need to keep my calories in check and start sticking to a better diet. Hm...I said these dame words about a week ago. Shows you how hard my dedication is, doesn't it? Well, I can't promise I won't eat again because I just asked a friend to grab dinner just before I logged on, so I'll just try to keep it super duper low in calories.
You know, I really don't need this added stress on top of finals and essays and all this other crap going on.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
This isn't like me
So I'd say last night was the first time in a loooooooong while that I consciously ate like I used to. After Taco Bell my total, even with the 700+ calories I burned at the gym, was over 1200. Combined with Friday's horrible eating I'm not surprised that I weigh something like 128 lbs, although I dare not weigh myself today. I'm taking a break from tanning and working out today to focus on finishing my essay that's due at 8 am tomorrow. And I think I'll start a liquid fast and see how that goes. I've never done one because I've always thought it was silly to drink your calories when good old fashioned water will do the trick, but right now I'm up for anything. I got down to 123.5 lbs Friday afternoon. By this Friday I want to be at least 122. Let the fasting begin.
Motivation:
Hm, another thin and tan picture.
I think I'm starting to get obsessed.
Oh and if anyone has any advice whatsoever regarding liquid fasts (what juices/drinks are better than others, which to avoid) please comment! I've never done this so any advice is welcome. =)
♥ Toni
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Yuuuuck
Alright I'm officially disgusted with myself. I ate helllllllllllllllllllla. Like, really, a lot.
So for dinner we all went to an Italian restaurant. It was a really good one too, the kind that keeps giving you bread when you don't ask for it. So guess who had 4, with butter (275 cal)? That's right, me. At least I also got a side salad with red wine vinaigrette (80 cal). My entree was a salami and mozzarella sandwich on a french roll (520 cal). So all in all it wasn't terrible. With the 525 calories I burned I was down to 350 total. But wait! There's more. We wen to Coldstone afterward...big mistake. I got a Cheesecake Fantasy in the love it size...in a waffle cone. It was, drum roll please, 660 calories total. Six hundred and sixty calories. For ice cream. Not even real food. So my grand total for the night was 1010 calories. No surprise that I was a whopping 127 lbs on the scale today after the gym. With all the damn food and smoothie in my stomach I'm sure I won't even be able to get rid of it by tomorrow.
Speaking of, Christy: I try to hop on the elliptical when I go to the gym, and on those I burn anywhere from 10.5-12 calories a minute, so that's how I burn so many in so little time. Like today I burned 710 calories in a 65 minute time span.
So far today my net intake is only 140. Brunch was pretty gruesome. I had some beef and barley soup (115 cal), veggies with ranch (55 cal), 12 oz of reduced fat chocolate milk (155 cal), and an apple danish (175 cal). Then a little bit later I had a mango smoothie (350 cal). It's an 850 total, but my exercise brings it down to 140. Aaron wants to go to Taco Bell for dinner. I don't know...they have some relatively low-cal options, so it's a possibility.
I'll try to update later, but you know me, I kind of procrastinate on that...oops.
So for dinner we all went to an Italian restaurant. It was a really good one too, the kind that keeps giving you bread when you don't ask for it. So guess who had 4, with butter (275 cal)? That's right, me. At least I also got a side salad with red wine vinaigrette (80 cal). My entree was a salami and mozzarella sandwich on a french roll (520 cal). So all in all it wasn't terrible. With the 525 calories I burned I was down to 350 total. But wait! There's more. We wen to Coldstone afterward...big mistake. I got a Cheesecake Fantasy in the love it size...in a waffle cone. It was, drum roll please, 660 calories total. Six hundred and sixty calories. For ice cream. Not even real food. So my grand total for the night was 1010 calories. No surprise that I was a whopping 127 lbs on the scale today after the gym. With all the damn food and smoothie in my stomach I'm sure I won't even be able to get rid of it by tomorrow.
Speaking of, Christy: I try to hop on the elliptical when I go to the gym, and on those I burn anywhere from 10.5-12 calories a minute, so that's how I burn so many in so little time. Like today I burned 710 calories in a 65 minute time span.
So far today my net intake is only 140. Brunch was pretty gruesome. I had some beef and barley soup (115 cal), veggies with ranch (55 cal), 12 oz of reduced fat chocolate milk (155 cal), and an apple danish (175 cal). Then a little bit later I had a mango smoothie (350 cal). It's an 850 total, but my exercise brings it down to 140. Aaron wants to go to Taco Bell for dinner. I don't know...they have some relatively low-cal options, so it's a possibility.
I'll try to update later, but you know me, I kind of procrastinate on that...oops.
Motivation:
To be tan and thin...I only wish.
Sorry for the depressing post.
♥ Toni
P.S.-Aaron's been sitting next to me this whole time. He'd like me to tell you all "hi." :)
P.S.-Aaron's been sitting next to me this whole time. He'd like me to tell you all "hi." :)
Friday, May 6, 2011
Update on last night:
So...yeah, I know I forgot to update. And the update itself isn't very pretty.
After dance class I weighed in at 124.75. Up 1.25 lbs. Sigh...
And then as I was on the bus Aaron called. He ended up getting at another stop and convinced me to go eat with him at a dining hall, so I did, and had Special K, a piece of pizza, a brownie, and 3 cookies. It's not much, and I know my total is less than 1000, but I felt pretty shitty afterwards.
I think for the next two weeks I'm going to give the 10 Day Diet a little break. I think I'll just stick to having a net total of 500 or below and I'll be happy. And I think my goal for cheer tryouts is going to change to 120 lbs instead of 118, but 115 is still ideal for dance tryouts. I've just been so overwhelmed lately and I need a break from putting my body through so much stress.
I think my weigh in today will be satisfactory. It'd be awesome to be back down to 123.5, but a solid 124 will please me. I'm not going to eat until after my midterm (that whole "you perform better on tests after you've eaten" just never really applied to me) and burn maybe 400-500 calories and then weigh in. I think that'll get me down to something I like.
Ok, I'm off to read everyone's posts before I go get some sun and then head off to my midterm. Thank you for all the support on that! I think it should be fairly easy, just 100 multiple choice questions, but you never know!
After dance class I weighed in at 124.75. Up 1.25 lbs. Sigh...
And then as I was on the bus Aaron called. He ended up getting at another stop and convinced me to go eat with him at a dining hall, so I did, and had Special K, a piece of pizza, a brownie, and 3 cookies. It's not much, and I know my total is less than 1000, but I felt pretty shitty afterwards.
I think for the next two weeks I'm going to give the 10 Day Diet a little break. I think I'll just stick to having a net total of 500 or below and I'll be happy. And I think my goal for cheer tryouts is going to change to 120 lbs instead of 118, but 115 is still ideal for dance tryouts. I've just been so overwhelmed lately and I need a break from putting my body through so much stress.
I think my weigh in today will be satisfactory. It'd be awesome to be back down to 123.5, but a solid 124 will please me. I'm not going to eat until after my midterm (that whole "you perform better on tests after you've eaten" just never really applied to me) and burn maybe 400-500 calories and then weigh in. I think that'll get me down to something I like.
Ok, I'm off to read everyone's posts before I go get some sun and then head off to my midterm. Thank you for all the support on that! I think it should be fairly easy, just 100 multiple choice questions, but you never know!
Motivation to keep me going:
I love it when you can tell a girl is still thin under a baggy t-shirt.
I'll catch up with you guys after my workout!
♥ Toni
Update #1
I saw it: 123.5! It was a nice little surprise to behold. And I was planning on getting a smoothie after my workout (burned 525 calories in 45 minutes!), especially after seeing that number, but a bunch of us are going out to an Italian restaurant for a friend's birthday, so I'll try to keep it under 800. Maybe I'll split a dish with someone. Too much pasta fills me up like nothing else, except maybe pancakes. =/
Ok, update #2 will come after dinner. Wish me luck!
Update #1
I saw it: 123.5! It was a nice little surprise to behold. And I was planning on getting a smoothie after my workout (burned 525 calories in 45 minutes!), especially after seeing that number, but a bunch of us are going out to an Italian restaurant for a friend's birthday, so I'll try to keep it under 800. Maybe I'll split a dish with someone. Too much pasta fills me up like nothing else, except maybe pancakes. =/
Ok, update #2 will come after dinner. Wish me luck!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Good Day, Bad Night
Sorry I didn't post last night. Aaron was over and I also had a project to finish, so between all that and wanting to get enough sleep I couldn't post.
Yesterday I wanted to wait until after dance to eat anything. Yeah, right. I ate probably 3 hours before I weighed in and had 4 chicken nuggets, french fries, and some veggies. Ummmm, can you say unhealthy? But despite that I weighed in at 123.5 lbs. What?! Really? I couldn't believe it. I still can't really believe it. But you wouldn't believe how much sweat I was soaked in afterwards. That dance studio is hot. So I went for a nice swim with Aaron and some friends. I felt accomplished. So I ate. A lot. Pizza, cereal, orange chicken, 3/4 of a burger. Ugggggggggggh. I didn;t even bother figuring out how many calories it all was because I'm positive it was over 1000 total. Great, it'll take a miracle for me not to gain today.
In an attempt to eat as little as possible but still not feel overly hungry I've only had a lemon poppyseed muffin and a cup of orange juice so far. Carbs and fruit juice: I think it's a good combo.
I'm sorry but this post will have to be short for now. I'm currently juggling trying to pay attention in class, Aaron being extremely annoying, writing postcards to send to my relatives for various birthdays/Mother's Day, and writing this. Can I just get a day where I don't have to do anything??? That's not a huge request, right? At least I have a cancelled class tomorrow, but I also have a midterm. Awesome.
Ok, I'll update later. Thank you for all the great comments on Tuesday's post. You girls are lovely. =)
Yesterday I wanted to wait until after dance to eat anything. Yeah, right. I ate probably 3 hours before I weighed in and had 4 chicken nuggets, french fries, and some veggies. Ummmm, can you say unhealthy? But despite that I weighed in at 123.5 lbs. What?! Really? I couldn't believe it. I still can't really believe it. But you wouldn't believe how much sweat I was soaked in afterwards. That dance studio is hot. So I went for a nice swim with Aaron and some friends. I felt accomplished. So I ate. A lot. Pizza, cereal, orange chicken, 3/4 of a burger. Ugggggggggggh. I didn;t even bother figuring out how many calories it all was because I'm positive it was over 1000 total. Great, it'll take a miracle for me not to gain today.
In an attempt to eat as little as possible but still not feel overly hungry I've only had a lemon poppyseed muffin and a cup of orange juice so far. Carbs and fruit juice: I think it's a good combo.
I'm sorry but this post will have to be short for now. I'm currently juggling trying to pay attention in class, Aaron being extremely annoying, writing postcards to send to my relatives for various birthdays/Mother's Day, and writing this. Can I just get a day where I don't have to do anything??? That's not a huge request, right? At least I have a cancelled class tomorrow, but I also have a midterm. Awesome.
Ok, I'll update later. Thank you for all the great comments on Tuesday's post. You girls are lovely. =)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Ups and Downs
I feel terrible about my lack of posting this week. After this is up I'm going straight to my reading list to catch up on everyone's posts. I've just been in an eating slump. I'll know how bad the damage is after I go weigh myself this afternoon, but I'm sure I'm back around 127-128. Although I'm also a little bloated due to my period, but I don't like to use that as an excuse because I almost never get the nasty side effects of my period (headaches, bloatedness, cramps, etc.). As for Monday-Thursday, I think I probably had an average of 1,300 calories each day, so my final days of SGD is shot. Overall I think it went pretty well, but I know I could have done a lot better. Next up I think I'll try the 10-day diet. It's worth a shot.
Besides my eating fails, everything else is currently going smoothly. Despite losing minimal weight since spring break I'm still getting compliments on my new physique, Aaron and I are in a good place right now, and my school work is still strong. Plus something really good happened in my jazz class last night. My dance teacher told me how much she enjoys having me four days a week and that she sees great potential in me. She even said she's going to start picking on me in class to get me to improve even more and that I should try to be in shows next year. After going through so much on my old dance team in high school (I repeatedly tried to climb the leadership ladder and failed on many occasion, serves me right for wanting to be captain of a team that I loved) it was really great to have positive feedback from a real dancer. Plus I've been trying so hard in that class after not dancing for almost a year. It just felt good to be recognized.
I'm also feeling better overall about my body, but of course I still want to be thinner. 118 is still my goal before cheer tryouts and I currently have 36 days to do it. 2 lbs. a week is all I need, and with the current eating habits I've picked up I'll definitely be looking to my blogging community to help keep me on track (that's you girls!).
As a closer I want to give a thank you to my new follower. It's awesome to know that even when I'm being neglectful of my lovely followers people are still reading, although of course I feel just awful for not updating for you lovelies that read me daily.
Alright, I'll be back later to fill you guys in on the damage of the past few days after I weigh in. See you all then.
♥ Toni
Edit: I just looked up the calories for everything I ate the past few days. I definitely overestimated the average I posted earlier, but it sure felt like I ate 1300 calories a day. Maybe that was just yesterday...
Besides my eating fails, everything else is currently going smoothly. Despite losing minimal weight since spring break I'm still getting compliments on my new physique, Aaron and I are in a good place right now, and my school work is still strong. Plus something really good happened in my jazz class last night. My dance teacher told me how much she enjoys having me four days a week and that she sees great potential in me. She even said she's going to start picking on me in class to get me to improve even more and that I should try to be in shows next year. After going through so much on my old dance team in high school (I repeatedly tried to climb the leadership ladder and failed on many occasion, serves me right for wanting to be captain of a team that I loved) it was really great to have positive feedback from a real dancer. Plus I've been trying so hard in that class after not dancing for almost a year. It just felt good to be recognized.
I'm also feeling better overall about my body, but of course I still want to be thinner. 118 is still my goal before cheer tryouts and I currently have 36 days to do it. 2 lbs. a week is all I need, and with the current eating habits I've picked up I'll definitely be looking to my blogging community to help keep me on track (that's you girls!).
As a closer I want to give a thank you to my new follower. It's awesome to know that even when I'm being neglectful of my lovely followers people are still reading, although of course I feel just awful for not updating for you lovelies that read me daily.
Alright, I'll be back later to fill you guys in on the damage of the past few days after I weigh in. See you all then.
♥ Toni
Edit: I just looked up the calories for everything I ate the past few days. I definitely overestimated the average I posted earlier, but it sure felt like I ate 1300 calories a day. Maybe that was just yesterday...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I feel like a failure. I am a failure.
Up until an hour ago I was good. My limit today is 450. I had whittled my intake down to 350. Then for some stupid reason I had the bright idea to go eat! What the FUCK was I thinking?! I just saw all the food and didn't stop. My intake is now somewhere around 900. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And then I tried to bring it back up. I got about 8 heaves in when I threw in the towel and said "fuck it." I can still feel the fullness. It's nauseating. Tomorrow is a NO CALORIE day. No food. Fast. A total fast. Tea and water ONLY. Maybe then I can shrink this fat ass. God dammit, and I was doing so well. I fail at restricting and I fail at binge correction. Ugh!
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