I feel like a blimp.

I definitely ate a crapload for dinner with Aaron at 5 pm. 3 pieces of naan, more peach pie, and soup. Then I had second dinner! Pizza and soda, reeeeeeeeeal healthy. If that scale tomorrow shows 125 lbs I won't be surprised in the least. Why does this happen every weekend?!?! Well, not tomorrow, or the next day, or any day until Saturday, and even after that I need to stop allowing myself to feel like I've fucked up so much it doesn't matter.

I just calculated my resting RMR. It's 1,250, meaning that if I somehow don't gain permanent lbs from this lil' mini binge I'll have to stick to a strict calorie restriction of 400 calories and burn off 650 calories a day. That along with the deficit of 1,250 means I'll burn off 10,500 calories by the end of next Friday, which is exactly 3 lbs, which will bring me to my goal of 120 lbs. This should be fun...

Must. Have. Perfect. Body.

Lost a follower, gained a pound.

Not exactly how I wanted to start my day. I don't get it. 126.5 lbs, what? That's not possible. I still haven't calculated my total from yesterday, but I'm sure it didn't help. I think today I may attempt to just fast the whole day. I think it'll help some. And I'm going to try drinking 3 liters of water instead of the usual 2 to help push all the extra yuckies out of my body. At least I exercised for and hour and burned off 725 calories, so there's almost no way I won't be in the negatives by tonight.

Ok gotta shower and start on this damn project, I'll update later, promise.


Later:
Ok, I feel slightly depressed. Part of it is being away from Aaron, part of it is me not sticking to my guns and eating a bunch of food (I'm too scared to add up how much I ate today and yesterday), part of it is this horrid digestive system I've had the past few days, part of it is gaining fake weight, and part of it is not knowing whether or not I'll be able to change things.

I'm thinking of buying laxatives to help with this problem, because it's an actual problem. I don't want to get vulgar, but not being able to pass anything is really getting irritating. I keep thinking if I eat maybe the extra food will pass. Nope. Nothing.

Tomorrow is Easter. There's an Easter Egg Hunt in my college's meadow tomorrow from noon to 5 and I'm really excited because I won't be home to Easter Egg Hunt, but I know that means I'll probably be eating candy. Plus I'm going out for Chinese around 2 with my friends, and while I've been dying for some chow mein and some paper wrapped chicken, I know I'll probably eat a ton. No breakfast for me then. And I better burn as many calories as I can at the gym. And starting Monday I really need to restrict myself back to 500 calories a day.

Ok I'm too tired for a formal closer, so I'll end off wishing you all a happy Easter and better luck with food than I have been having.

♥ Toni

P.S.-Back to 31 followers. =) Her name is Cara, and she's just starting out with her blog. Go show her some love.

Oh lordy

So pretty much this post is all about food. I failed. Again. I went over. Again. Granted it's not a huge spill, just 495/400 but it means I ate A LOT today. Let me explain...

Breakfast was great. I had 6 oz cream of wheat with 1/2 tbsp of brown sugar for 125 calories.

Then I went to the gym and had a pretty good workout. I burned 455 calories in 45 minutes.

Lunch was...alright. I had 3/4 cup of pasta with 2 tbsp marinara and 1/2 tbsp parmesan (150 cal), a couple of steak fries with  ketchup (75 cal), and 1 1/4 tbsp ranch with baby carrots, cucumber, baby corn, and broccoli (165 cal) for a total of 390 calories.

Then I went to class and dance, where I burned of 350 calories. The day is still good.

And then dinner rolled around...

1/2 cup sticky rice with 4 oz orange chicken (310 cal), 4 oz mashed potatoes (160 cal), 3/4 tbsp ranch with baby carrots, cucumber, baby corn, and tomatoes (115 cal), and the kicker...chocolate cream pie (200 cal) for a total of 785 calories.

Not even 805 burned calories could make up for the fact that I essentially ate 1300 calories today. I feel gross. I thought maybe today I could keep my overall intake to the 200 range. Wrong. It just means that tomorrow's workout is going to be more intense. I'm shooting for 600, and limiting my dinnertime to one plate of food only. I swear it.

And welcome new follower! Glad to have you on board. =)


♥ Toni

I feel like a failure. I am a failure.

Up until an hour ago I was good. My limit today is 450. I had whittled my intake down to 350. Then for some stupid reason I had the bright idea to go eat! What the FUCK was I thinking?! I just saw all the food and didn't stop. My intake is now somewhere around 900. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And then I tried to bring it back up. I got about 8 heaves in when I threw in the towel and said "fuck it." I can still feel the fullness. It's nauseating. Tomorrow is a NO CALORIE day. No food. Fast. A total fast. Tea and water ONLY. Maybe then I can shrink this fat ass. God dammit, and I was doing so well. I fail at restricting and I fail at binge correction. Ugh!

Eating like a "normal person," why why why?

Alright so I haven't posted in a few days so I was quite surprised to see two new followers! Welcome, I very much enjoy your company. Feel free to message me or comment any time. (^-^)

The past few days have been alright. I totally fucked up on any remote fast I thought I would have. Thursday was ok, yesterday was terrible. On Thursday I had a cup of fruit salad, a cup of sauteed zucchini, a slices of cantaloupe, and one potato wedge which all came to 265 calories. Dinner was a bit worse. Aaron and I stopped my his dorm's dining hall to find a diner-inspired college night. I tried to keep it light but ended up with 6 bites of chicken pot pie, 2 oz of mac-n-cheese, 2.5 oz of "milkshake" (really just chocolate frozen yogurt; the texture was horrible), a chicken tender with ranch dressing and a piece of apple pie which accumulated to around 650 calories. But I burned 600 at the gym (135.25 lb weigh-in, gah!) for a grand total of 315 calories. Meh, not terrible.

Yesterday I decided to start my day off with half of a belgian waffle with 3 tbsp of syrup and a pat of butter (350 cal), 5 oz of orange juice (65 cal) for a breakfast total of 415 calories. I didn't want to eat lunch because I was going out to sushi for my friend Jenna's birthday, but I ended up having a small salad with ranch (120 cal), an ciabatta roll (170), and 2 chocolate chip cookies (180 cal) for a lunch total of 470 calories. This plus the 400 calorie sushi roll I had for dinner and the alcohol/chasers I had last night and the misc food I had as a result of smoking weed, which comes to 875 calories! WTF?! Even with the 765 calories I burned at the gym it comes to a total of 1395 calories. Holycrapshootmenow. I'm sure the 2 lbs I lost at my weigh-in yesterday (133 lbs) are going to be fucked up because of last night. Ugh I don't even like alcohol. The taste is disgusting.

I'm totally done for the day. I've already had 12 oz of cranberry juice, a cup of hot coco, and breakfast burrito which is 630 calories. No more anything for me today except water. I need to get to my next goal weight asap.

A few things have happened to me over the last week that I keep forgetting to jot down here. The first is that I've started to get compliments on my fading figure. About a week ago I asked my best friend (the one that I went to sushi with) if it looks like I've lost any weight. She said she wasn't sure but said it was mostly because I've been wearing loose clothing. The next day she said I looked thinner than I was a few months ago, which I took as the friend-being-a-friend-and-giving-compliments thing, but I know she's sincere. A few days ago though another friends of mine out of the blue said I looked a lot thinner and two nights ago when my boyfriend and I were getting down to nookie time he said I looked better than the last time we had sex. Of course to all of these comments I say thank you politely but inside I think "No, I still have 20 lbs to go! Can't you see all this weight I still need to lose?" Of course I can't say that, but it's what I've been thinking lately. I'm halfway to my goal but all I can think about is how I'm going to get to that elusive 112 lbs. Sigh...

Also, even though I'm only in chapter two, Wasted so far has been pretty freaking good. I've never read a memoir about an eating disorder and it's pretty freaky to see some of the similarities between Marya and myself. Olivia: it's a good read. You should definitely check it out.

Ok I'm sorry to keep rambling on. Hopefully next post will be minimal personal/food stuff and mostly thinspo, and I know we all enjoy that. =)

♥ Toni

Happy Valentine's Day

Hello beautifuls. I'm sorry I haven't posted, I was too busy eating and being ashamed this weekend. I didn't go to the gym once. It started with friday when I said I wasn't going to eat until yummy sushi dinner. Well...I had a piece of toast with butter and a small apple to tie me over (160 cal), but then a few of my friend and I got a little high. BAD IDEA when hungry, at least for me. I learned to never again smoke weed while trying to restrict my calories. I ended up eating at least 400 calories' worth of chocolate and sweets, and then on top of that the sushi for dinner. Thankfully I only had one roll which I'd say was 550 calories, bringing friday's total to 1,110 calories.

I don't think Saturday was too much better. Aaron slept over and in the morning I ended up having a big fit about how I didn't want to go out anywhere because I felt so fat. We did end up going to the boardwalk with some friends but I had such a melt down. Breakfast after that was terrible. I had a small serving of nachos (with guac, sour cream, cheese, chicken, etc., 200 cal), a serving of frosted flakes (175 cal), and 2 servings of chocolate pudding (250). For dinner that night I had a dining hall-made crunch wrap. Healthier than a Taco Bell crunch wrap but I'd still say they're about the same calorie-wise: 500. This brings saturday's total to 1125 calories.

Yesterday was only slightly better. Breakfast was two slices of cheese pizza (300 cal), a whole bagel with one half cream cheese and the other butter (210 cal), and a danish (200). Dinner was a Taco Bell beefy crunch burrito (510 cal). 1220 calories.

Total for the weekend: 3455 calories

Sorry for the long post. I was avoiding having to write it all down, but of course it had to be. So far today I've had one gogurt and a small plate of yogurt and flax seed granola. Last night I bought some chicken, beef, and vegi broths, granola bars, and the gogurts to try to manage the pounds I'm sure I've put on. I'll post again later tonight to hopefully try and redeem myself for the horror that was this weekend and maybe write about something other than what I've eaten.

~Toni

For shame...for shame...

Pizza, why do you taunt me so? And why do I give in?

This morning, like many mornings, I had no time to eat anything, so I had to sit through an hour and 45 minutes of my stomach making these terrible gurgling noises because I hadn't eaten since 7 last night. That was a full 17 hours without food, so afterwards I was starving! I went with some friends to the dining hall and had:
8 oz of cranberry juice cocktail (first mistake, I hate fake juice) which was in itself 130 calories. Then I supplemented that with 2 small pieces of caprese style pizza (something like 350 calories). You know, with tomato and basil, as if putting healthy stuff on top of unhealthy stuff makes it seem any better, and then on top of it I had half a bagel with cream cheese instead of the regular butter (130 calories) for a nice fat total of 610 calories, and I'm not even going to the gym today! I just need to drink lots of tea for the rest of the day and hopefully my natural metabolism will use up most of those calories to give me a nice empty feeling by the time I go to bed. One can only hope...

Anyway I'll post back later tonight after class. I got 3/4 of the way through my essay last night, so not much more to go!

~Toni