Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Grr goes my tummy.

For the first time in a long time I can hear my stomach growling and I have no immediate urge to eat anything or make it stop.

Seriously

*gets on soap box*

You all have no idea how much I HATE casual sex.

*steps off soap box*

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Wow

Tonight, no more than five minutes ago, I looked in the mirror. I looked at my legs, my thighs, my tummy, my ass in a thong, my breasts, and my face...and I felt beautiful. And not just the "I'm happy with my appearance no matter how much I weigh" kind of beautiful. I felt sexually attractive, like in the sense of how I envy so many other girls in my thinspo and in real life. This whole time I've been with Oliver I've been asking myself how I could possibly be attractive enough to satisfy him because he's so unimaginably gorgeous, and for the first time I looked at myself and thought "hell yeah, I'm fucking hot, and I have a hot boyfriend, and we have hot sex because we're hot!" I don't know if I'll still feel this way in the morning, but I hope so. I still want to lose 10 lbs, and getting back into the groove of working out should help. I feel like when I get back to the gym I'll really start counting my calories again. I really only keep track of what I eat if I'm also working out at the same time.

I also got a tumblr. It's really just a blog with a bunch of things I like in it, but already a good portion of that is thinspo. Follow me if you want! It's got the same title as this blog and I have the same username.
http://maddoctor17.tumblr.com/

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hey y'all. Just wanted to stop in for a quick update. So I've lost approximately 1.5 lbs since coming home. I was down to 121 but that's if I don't eat much all day and then weigh myself in the morning on a growling tummy. Meh. Oh well. Believe it or not I'm actually too busy with all this Christmas planning to pay attention to what I'm eating. I'm just sticking to eating the least amount I can get away with, which was slightly difficult this past weekend.

I went to Oliver's hometown to visit him and meet his family. They were all very nice and I got to attend their Christmas party, with food galore. Plus Oliver took me out to lunch sooooooo, lots and lots of food. I'm still reeling from the after effects of it all.

But seeing him was so great. I miss him terribly, probably even more so now because I got to spend that weekend with him. I cannot wait for this break to be over and go back to school. A month of celibacy is...well, not something I would do by choice, if you catch my drift.

I need to find some time soon to actually post something that's not about my love life. I mean for God's sake this is my ED blog. But I guess I'm not feeling so disordered at the moment. Tis good I suppose, but I really want to get down to 118 by the end of break. I haven't even touched my running shoes since I got home. It's just so cold and I'm so busy. =/

Well, I hope to update again soon with something interesting. Until then, I'll be catching up on blogs, still. haha

♥ Toni

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hearts Break, People Change, Life Goes On

Imagine my surprise to find out that Aaron has somewhat moved on already. I.e. he had sex with someone. Never mind that it was rebound. She likes him. He likes her underneath the fact that he still loves me. She's thin. And taller than me. Hm.

All I've had to eat today was a tangelo and a cup of green tea. I want to be thinner. Thinner than the girl Oliver had sex with. Thinner than the girl Aaron is currently having sex with. I weighed in at 121 lbs this morning. Down by 3 lbs since the last time I weighed myself. I'd like to be 118 by the time I go back to school. That shouldn't be too hard. I mean I lost the 3 lbs without even working out. It's been all restriction.

I appreciate the comments I got on my last few posts. It helped. I was freaking out for a while. I'm still not quite past the stuff I was worrying about, but it's better I suppose.

I'll post later with my net intake, maybe even thinspo.

-Toni

Monday, December 5, 2011

I went to the dining hall only for tea.

focaccia  pizza, half slice
slice of pumpkin bread
chinese chicken salad, small plate
ciabatta roll
green tea

I want to throw up but I'm not getting out of bed. Not studying for my final tomorrow. Listening to Melancholia's soundtrack, Tristan and Isolde Prelude. Felt guilty about eating for the first time since June. I'm making myself gag to try to feel better.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Screw It.

I might as well finish the 30 Day Challenge I dragged out into a whole summer.


Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
I suppose I'll be going about it the unhealthy way now.

Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
112 lbs. I want to reach it by the end of next quarter, which is some time in March.

Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
No. I like meat and dairy too much. I tried and failed miraculously some time last year and decided after a week that it wasn't for me.

Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Well I started this weight loss blog last December, but for the past 6 months I haven't been keeping up with my weight loss regimen, so I'm starting again now, today.

Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
I consider myself ED/NOS at times. As of this very moment, no, I do not have an eating disorder, but once you go through a period of your life where you have disordered eating it's very hard not to carry that with you the rest of your life. At various times it'll just pop back up unexpectedly and there's really no telling when it could happen.

Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Bread. No doubt about it. Bagels, potato bread, rolls, buns, ciabatta, baguettes, whatever you can think of really.

Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Maybe a week ago? And it was Taco Bell.

Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
I rather enjoy the Skinny Girl Diet, but in general I like to keep my net calories under 800 every day.

Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
I wear a small or medium shirt, dress, and skirt, depending on the brand, and anywhere from a size 4-8 in pants.

Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
The summer before my freshman year I had my first brief flirtation with ED/NOS. I got down to 118 lbs. I gained because I got lazy I guess. I made my high school's dance/drill team and that consumed a lot of time.

Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Not this time, no. Sure, thinspo helps, but I want to be the size I said I was going to get down to.

Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?
I'm ok with them. I'm well-aware that what I do is more of a lifestyle choice than an actual real-life disorder, but I'm sure it's a mix of both. I don't actively call what I post pro-ana or pro-mia, but I can see the appeal of that kind of branding.

Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience.
Yes. I'm not sure if this contradicts an earlier post of mine, because if very well might, but I believe my first successful purging took place last year. It was ice cream. It was still cold when it came up and didn't taste very different than it did going down. Since then the only other times I've successfully purged have been with ice cream.

Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
To be honest, I don't know. I want the cellulite to go away. I want to know that I can contort myself into any pose and not one part of me will look fat. I want a flat stomach and thighs that don't touch. I want my boobs to be small enough so that I don't have to wear a bra if I don't want to. And if I'm being honest, I want to be thinner than the girl Oliver had sex with. Is that stupid and vain? I think it is, but I still want it. I want to be able to know I can keep myself in check, that I can change something and that it's entirely in my hands to do so.

Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Well, we'll have to see, won't we?

Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Yes. Because it'll mean that I'm thin.

Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
I'm still trying to figure that one out. Rose Byrne is a good example, though.

Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?
I'll save this for tomorrow.

-Toni

Here we fucking go again.

I feel sick.
I feel ashamed.
I feel insecure.
I feel fat (again).
I feel digusted.
I feel depressed.
I feel out of control.

...and most of that isn't even about food.

I'm seeing someone else.
Bear with me. This post has mostly nothing to do with the foreboding ED I know I'm going to fall back into.
I've been gone a long time, and while I'm sorting through everyone else's posts (at least those of the girls who didn't decide to leave), I need to play catch up.
Aaron and I broke up, and by that I mean I broke up with him. Most of it was because I just kind of fell out of love with him. I needed a change. I needed something new and fresh because we weren't working. But no matter how much I try to deny it, I know I ended it because of someone else. His name is Oliver.
And even though I'm sure there won't be a ton of people reading this due to my prolonged absence, I need to get everything out there.
First off, when I'm in a relationship, my attraction to other people goes down to zero. It's just not an option for me, so imagine my surprise when this handsome 20-year-old walked into my life and BAM, I ended a two and a half year relationship for him. It didn't start out that way. We were friendly, we hung out in groups, sometimes drinking, other times watching Firefly (such a fucking awesome show, by the way). We talked. For hours. We have so much in common. He's hot. He thinks I'm beautiful, despite my doubts. He loves my body. I want to be thinner, but I'll get to that. I stopped hanging out with Aaron. The last time we had sex it felt wrong. That was a month ago. I broke up with him on the 11th of November. I started dating Oliver on the 17th.
He was a virgin when I met him. That was Halloween. A week and a half later he wasn't, and a week after that we were together. And no, as I'm sure you're thinking it wasn't me who popped his cherry. It makes me depressed thinking about it. I feel like a stupid, immature child. He's an adult, he can do as he pleases with whomever he wants, I just wish it hadn't been just before we got together is all. On top of that, who just fucking takes someone's virginity like that? What the fuck? She didn't even like him. She just thought he was hot. And believe me, she's been places. I mean, I'm all for having as much sex as you want and what not, but it may be the romantic in me that thinks your first time should be somewhat more than a random hookup with someone you don't know very well. I just, I know I'm being stupid about it. He's with me, and that's that but still. The whole thing leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.
And I don't mean to paint him in a bad light. He's pretty much everything I could have asked for in one guy. Gorgeous, smart, hard working, caring, funny, geeky, a good listener, driven, knows what he wants out of life. He tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses my back and tells me I'm gorgeous. We even have the same major and will be taking all of the same courses next quarter. But that one little thing just bugs the shit out of me. Am I being stupid for that? I'm dwelling on it too much, but does that make what I feel any less valid?
I took things too fast I think. On the 20th we had sex for the first time, three days after we were "official" or whatever you want to call it. Not that there's anything wrong with that  necessarily. Even though we've only known each other a month we both feel as if it's been a lot longer than that. Time works in mysterious ways where I live.
I told him I love him today. He said he'll get there and he's thought about saying it in the moment. I didn't want to say it. I couldn't stop myself. I knew he wasn't going to say it back. I was prepared. But then again I suppose I wasn't if I'm writing about it now. I fall too fast for people, people who can hurt me.
Winter break is coming up. Aaron wants to win me back, I know it. I'll always care about him, but I love him in a different way now. I want him to be my friend. He's planning all this stuff we're going to do over break. I think he just wants to see me. I'm planning on meeting Oliver's parents in his home town. He's coming to mine to meet my family as well.
I'm out of my league. With Aaron it was easy. I was in control. He's a mess without me. I feel horrible that I put a human being through that. With Oliver it's different. We're equals. I have no idea what's going to happen. It makes me want to stop eating, to be perfect. He says my body is amazing.
I want to go back to the way I was. Eating less than 1000 calories a day, burning most of those off, drinking only water and tea and coffee. Weighing myself every day. Almost fainting.
I'm stuck at 124. That's not so bad. I want 112. I want my drive back. I want to be hungry when I go to sleep.

Everything has been going so well, and yet here I am. Back to start again where I was a year ago. This time though, I'm smaller. The reasons have changed. I'm ready to get down to what I said I was going to achieve. Here we fucking go again.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Three Months

I've been gone three months. Holy shit. Tons has changed. And I see a lot has changed for you beauties as well. My mission over winter break: catch up on it all. I have to tell you what's been going on. And I'm actually surprised I have anything over zero followers right now. I feel terrible for posting absolutely nothing my first quarter back at college, but I'll try my best to make up for it.

Love, love, love,
Toni

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Day 12

30 Day Challenge


Day 12- What do you normally eat?
Well this is probably going to change once I get back to school but I really just eat whatever I want when I want, but I control the portion and the time in between meals. I think that has a lot to do with why I've maintained all through summer instead of gaining. During school I eat a lot of salad, yogurt, meat, water, coffee, and soup. And bread. I can't get enough of bread, especially rolls. I I'm having a good day I'll completely fuck it up over bread rolls. I expect I'll have a wider range of food now that me and my suite mates will be cooking for ourselves, but I'll be able to limit my intake and play around with food portions.

This isn't meant to be offensive.

This is not a food post. Just a thought post.

I'm a Christian. Not a super-devoted-attend-church-every-Sunday Christian but I believe in God and Heaven and prayer. And it just now dawned on me that I'm offended by atheists who celebrate Christmas. You can argue that it's commercialized and was originally a Pagan holiday or what have you but everyone knows why a vast majority of people celebrate Christmas in a country that was founded by Christians.

That's all. I'm not trying to bash anyone's views, just realizing my own.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm still here.

So I've lost two followers in the time I've been gone. I'm not dead! Just waiting for something interesting to post. I've been reading everything though. Once I get back to school (leaving this Saturday!) I'll have my gym back and complete control over my diet. I'm determined to lose 10 lbs before university dance tryouts. That would put me at about 113-115, only a few lbs away from my UGW. But I probably won't be posting much until I start losing that weight because I'm in pack mode right now. I need to figure out how to fit my enormous amount of stuff into the least amount of boxes as possible. haha

I'm so excited!!!

P.S. - If anyone has a Pottermore account, tell me your name and add me as a friend. I'm ElmPixie52. =)
Slytherin and proud!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Feeling kind of failure right now.

I'm watching Dance Moms right now and I wish I could have been dancing from the age of 6. Then maybe I wouldn't be at the same stage now that 12-year-olds who have been dancing since they could walk are at.

Day eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why?
I don't have a favorite. I get most of my thinspo from other girls' blogs, and it really just depends on the group of photos someone uploads in a particular post. Sometimes I'll venture onto various sites, none of which I can remember the name of right now, but it's been a while since I've sat down and spent time looking for thinspo.

♥ Toni

P.S. - I'm going to apply to get promoted at work. Basically I'd be a supervisor, but we call them chiefs-of-staff. I kind of hope I get it because I've heard rumors my boss may promote people who just got hired a few months ago. Wish me luck?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's been a long summer.

Yeah so I know I suck. I'm sure it's not a surprise to a lot of you that I've been on kind of a hiatus for pretty much all of summer. My weight has been the same. I'm so ready to head back to school and go to the gym. I miss it. And I feel horrible for not even keeping up with everyone else, but by the looks of it half of the blogs I follow haven't been posting recently either or have deleted their blogs altogether. The girls who have been writing have been doing so well. And I've just read the 50+ posts I've missed. Reading everyone's successes has lead me to have only a cup of coffee and a cookie so far today. I'm in the 122-124 range and it doesn't seem to be moving with how little I've been exercising.

And in my real life I feel so bored and uninspired. My only solace is in film. I dream of one day creating stories on the screen and making a fantasy for myself. In the past few weeks I've seen 30 Minutes or Less, The Help, The Kids are All Right, Hangover 2, Misery, Glee the Movie, and tons of others that I can't remember right now. I feel like writing something, like writing a script. I want to create stories that explore what I wish my life could be like. I've been having dreams about being with other people, other guys. I'm still with Aaron but this summer has been hard on our relationship. He's always saying that I'm not attracted to him but he does nothing about it. He doesn't go running or anything. He literally sits at home complaining that he's fat. And for some reason when I go to sleep all I dream about is other guys. Guys I've never met, guys who aren't Aaron. But I don't want to fill this post up with depressing topics. Onto the 30 Day challenge.

I'll just start where I left off:
Day 10 - What was the hardest thing you gave up during this "weight loss"?
Well I'm not doing so hot right now but when I was deepest into my dieting back in April and May I'd say just food in general was the hardest thing to give up. Just the freedom to eat whatever was not an option, and if I did let myself go overboard I felt horrible about myself. And in a month that's what I'll be faced with again because I do not want to stay this weight forever. I do want to lose another 10 or 15 lbs. I want to look good in anything. I don't want to look a shred of what I did at my heaviest. I want to be hot and turn heads. I want people to say I look even smaller than I look now.

I want to be this:







At this point it seems like a body even close to any of those girls is a million years away. I am determined to get down to at least 112 lbs by the end of this year. I'm hitting the gym hard when I go back to school. And I'm dragging Aaron along with me.

I'm glad you girls put up with me. I don't deserve it.
Toni

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I went on a jog today. With tennis shoes and everything.

Bella, I didn't do this last post but I want to thank you for joining at a time when I feel so disconnected to everyone on Blogger. Thank you for your support.

30 Day Challenge
Day nine - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Yes. I remember a few isolated events. Like the time I was 12 and was at youth group and I jumped from the stage to a wooden platform on the ground and the boy I liked at the time said "I'm surprised you didn't break that." And yes, it was purposely meant as a jab to my weight. I've been called an obese circus midget by my own boyfriend's mother. Not to my face but I saw the e-mail she sent him. When I was a pre-teen my parents made a few comments here and there when I ate a few too many sweets. And I'm sure a few douche bag guys called me fat behind my back in high school. Since I've lost weight though I've had guys say I'm hot and I've been honked at while jogging down the street. It's a different kind of attention, and while either way I see it as demeaning towards women I guess I'd rather have the obnoxious guys honking at me. It beats crying over people calling me fat.

So I actually went on one of those aforementioned jogs today in what seems like forever. It's been something like a month since I've even put on my tennis shoes. It was only a 20 minute jog but I felt good afterwards. And I only got honked at once. I really want to lose some weight before school starts again, even if it's only 5 lbs. And I know if I work at it I can definitely lose 5 lbs in a month.

Hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow to read everyone's blogs. I hate not knowing what's been going on in everyone else's lives, but that's my fault. =/

Have a great night girlies,
♥ Toni

Monday, August 8, 2011

A week of absence.

So I guess having the 30 Day Challenge to answer to didn't really change the fact that I only visit Blogger once a week. I'm looking forward to reading every one else's posts...but I'm not looking forward to how much time it's going to take. lol But really I need to get crackalacking on keeping up with everyone. I feel bad that I'm not contributing as much. =(

Day Three (August 3rd)- A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?
I have literally hundreds of thinspo pictures, some of which I haven't looked at in weeks, which makes it pretty much impossible to pick just one picture that sums up the body I want, but this one does it pretty well:
This comes from a folder I've labled "abs." I want tight, flat abs...that are also tan, just like these. And I want to show them off in a little white bikini someday.

Day Four (August 4th)- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
I guess my biggest one would be getting down to my UGW of 112 and finding out that it's not where I want to be. I'd hate to have spent so much time and effort getting down to 112 lbs only to find that I'd have to lose even more weight to feel really good about my body. As it is now I feel ok about it, but I want to feel great about it one day.

Day Five (August 5th)- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
I am. I am totally doing it for me. People say I was never fat, but 130 lbs on a 5'0" 12-year-old girl doesn't look proportionally right. And then of course most of you know I ballooned up to almost 150 last Thanksgiving, so I decided to take control of my weight. And the fact that my boyfriend thinks I look even hotter is definitely a plus. He always thought I looked beautiful, even at my heaviest. And he's a great guy for that.

Day Six (August 6th)- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
No, I've never eaten enough food to constitute what I would think of as a binge. To me that's eating thousands of calories in one sitting until you literally cannot eat anything else or you'll puke. I've wanted to upchuck my food at one point or another but that was only out of guilt, not being physically induced to do so.

Day Seven (August 7th)- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?
They know I've lost weight and they commented on it a lot when I first got home for the summer. They said I had a tiny waist and my butt had gotten smaller. I'm sure they know I'd like to lose a bit more weight but to them it's not really a cause for concern. I eat normally around them and since I haven't gained more than 1 or 2 lbs by my eating habits lately I'm just coasting through the summer and then hitting the gym hard once I get back to university. Then hopefully I can lose the last 10 lbs in a month or so.

Day Eight (August 8th)- Your workout routine.
Summer hasn't really yielded much exercise besides my dance classes, but during the school year I have kind of a bizarre (and potentially dangerous) workout routine. I try to go to the gym in the morning or early afternoon, and because I go early I try not to eat or drink anything before I go, which I know is bad. I do it so I can get the lowest possible weight for my weigh in afterward. So anyway, the last few months I went to the gym I basically just hit the elliptical for an hour, and in the final few weeks I'd jog a mile, go on the elliptical for an hour, and then jog another mile. Once I'm done I go to the locker room, use the bathroom, then strip down to my undies and weigh myself. And then I drink 24 oz of water in like 5 minutes because I'm so thirsty. As bad as it is this is probably what I'll revert back to once I head back to school.


So yeah I've been totally MIA the past few days. I've been working of course and yesterday I went to the lake with Aaron, a friend from school and his gf and then another friend from high school. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. We just laid out, ate some snacks, played around in the water, and that night we went to see the new Planet of the Apes movie. I think the CGI is AWESOME. All of the apes are CGI and they look soooooooo gooooooood. And he story is such a better origin story than the original 1980's sequel. I highly recommend it if you're into sci-fi...or James Franco.

Ok time for sleep. I really need to update these earlier in the day. I'm always so tired I feel like I don't post properly. Hope you're all well.

♥ Toni

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm short. I know.

30 Day Challenge
Day two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
I'm 5 feet tall. That's it. Not an inch taller. And to be honest I wish I were even two or three inches taller. Jeans would fit better, boots would look better on me, and I could get away with being just a few lbs heavier. And I guess I can get away with wearing heels of any height, but I don't even like heels. Dancing with Aaron, who is 6'2", is a nightmare. The upside is that I really do look much smaller compared to most other people because of how short I am. I've been this height since I was 10, so I really don't know anything else.

So today pretty much nothing really exciting happened. Aaron and I did got out and have some us time out on the outskirts of town, but that's really it. And that's good because we've been arguing lately.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Friends With Benefits with Jenna and we're going to check out this new sushi place in our hometown. I haven't had sushi since I met up with Olivia at the end of school (and that place wasn't even that good so I'll have to take her out to some much more well trusted sushi places come this fall) and I'm excited to have some again, plus this place has some pretty good reviews.

Food was kind of good, kind of bad today. I had a small bowl of frosted flakes, some tomato and cucumber salad, three fun size snickers bars, 2 dollar scoops from Baskin Robbins, and a caramel mocha and 4 chicken nuggets from McD's. It's less than I was eating but still more than I should be eating. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get away with some strawberries until sushi time. I weighed in at 123.5 lbs, but I'm gonna play the blame game on my period. I don't like to do that but it makes me feel better.

Oh well, time for bed. Hope you all are having good summer days. And good luck if any of you are trying to get into Pottermore! I'm ElmPixie52!

♥ Toni

P.S.- Awkward is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than Secret Life when it comes to portraying sex, plus it's funny!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Oh Goodness Me

Another week of no posting. I've caught up on all the blogs and I've decided to have a post of my own. I finally have a few exciting things (kind of) to talk about. Oh and I'm up to 86 followers! Thank you lovely girls! I'm less than 15 away to 100, that's crazy.

So...to celebrate the first of August I've decided to do the 30 Day Challenge:

Day One- Your stats.
Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?
Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?
Day Eight- Your workout routine.
Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”
Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!
Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?
Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia
Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience.
Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

So there's all the questions. I've been wanting to do this for a while but I couldn't find a list of the questions all in one place.

I think I'm ready to start restricting again. The past few days I haven't been as hungry and I've probably eaten less than 1000 calories. I'm still at the 121/122 lbs range but I can probably lose a lb a week, which would put me at 116 by the time school starts. I probably won't start counting again until I go back to school but I can tell I'm just not eating as much.

I just watched a few episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny. Those British women are a hoot. And now there;s a new episode of Dr. Phil on about anorexia. It's from 4 years ago and I've seen it before but there's nothing else on that I want to watch. Oh and you know how Borders is closing? Perfect time to but Wasted and Wintergirls at a super low price! I don't mean to sound like I'm diving into unhealthy eating habits because I'm not, but it would just be nice to have some motivation to stop eating whatever I want, you know?

Oh and so I slept over at my grandma's last night because I haven't spent time with her in a while and my younger cousins sometimes leave clothes in the dresser in the kid's guest room. My 12-year-old cousin left a pair of her old jeans, size 12 1/2. I tried them on. They fit. I fit in kid sizes again! Do you know what that means? No longer having to hem my jeans because I'm a mutant with midget legs. Of course I need to lose just a few more lbs to make sure I can fit comfortably into kid's sizes, but I'm pretty excited. Don't worry though, I'm not talking about weird fraying or bedazzled or acid wash kid's jeans, just basic denim that costs less and fits length-wise.

And is anyone else trying to get into Pottermore? I'm staying up as long as it takes to find that quill and get that clue! So I'm going to go refresh my Pottermore page every 30 seconds for the next two hours. I'll leave you with my first answer o the 30 Day Challenge:

Day One- Your stats.
Well they're on the side panel but I'll put them up on this post too.
Name: Toni
Age: 19
Height: 5 ft. 0 in.
Current weight: 122 lbs.
Highest weight: 148 lbs. (Thanksgiving 2010, age 18)
Lowest weight: 118 lbs. (Summer 2006, age 14)

And then all my goal weights are to the side as well.

Alright ladies, hopefully I'll be posting every day now that I'm doing the challenge so I'll see you all tomorrow. =)

♥ Toni

P.S.- I'm PISSED that Rachel and Brendon are up for eviction on Big Brother. Anyone else with me?

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Fair!

So this past week hasn't been much different. I've been fluctuating between 121.5 and 124.5. My weight is lower on the days I eat only one meal, so I'm thinking I'll try more of that, although Aaron and I went to the state fair yesterday so of course I ate a bunch of carnival food. I tried a fried Twinkie and a fried Snickers for the first time, plus I had lemonade and an ice cream cone. And Aaron won me a giraffe pillow pet. =)

The other night we went out to one of my co-worker's parties. It was basically one of those alcohol parties. I didn't drink much though because I don't like beer. Go figure.

Today I was supposed to go over to Aaron's house for some alone time because his crazy mother is going to be gone for a few hours, but my sister thought it would be a good idea to finally spend the day with our Grandma, who has been meaning to take us out for our birthdays (it's been hell trying to find a day that works for all three of us). So Aaron is pretty disappointed. He's been so hung up on sex lately though. I really don't like it because it's really hard to ever get time alone. I think things will be so much better when we go back to school because we'll have our own rooms and whatnot.

Well, I just thought I'd update you all on recent events. I really need to do a proper post with thinspo but I just can't find the time. I'll try soon!

♥ Toni

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Saw nothing but good things today.

So this morning I saw 120.5 on the scale. YES! And I didn't eat too much today so hopefully it'll stay that way.

And I saw Deathly Hallows Part 2 today finally. With something like this waiting 3 days to see it feels like an eternity. I cried like a baby. A least during the epilogue. It's all over for me, and now I feel obligated to read all 7 books again, read some super good fanon, watch the movies, and join Pottermore when that gets started up. Oh and visit the theme park. I can't believe that was it. J.K. Rowling, you better write seven more books about Harry's kids. And now that no one's trying to maliciously kill anyone else, this time around you can focus solely on social drama. Yay!

Super short post today. I have to go to bed because I have work in the morning. I hope I have some good news for you all tomorrow!

♥ Toni

Tonsillitis: go away!

Thank you Dreaming of a Perfect Me, brixy, and molly-saurus-rex for joining my blog. =)

So...the past few days have been kind of sucky. First of all I have a mild case of tonsillitis. My voice is gone and it's painful to swallow, therefore very painful to eat. Yesterday I saw 121 on the scale, but it was back up to 122 today. I have been eating less overall so maybe I'll loose a few lbs from this? It still sucks BALLS though. It's like the inside of my throat is sandpaper...on fire.

HP news: like I've said in past posts I had to work the HP midnight premiere so I couldn't go, but there was supposed to be a sneak for employees Wednesday night. A mass text from my boss was sent out at 10 pm (when we got the physical prints in) for a sneak at midnight. To bad I DIDN'T get the text, along with a few other people. Yup, I missed HP. And I didn't find out until I had to work the premiere, so I was surrounded by hundreds of people pumped up to see a movie I missed out on. And because business is expected to do so well, employees aren't allowed to see the movie for free until July 25th. But all is well, because I sent a text to my boss telling him how important the movie is to me and how I never got word of the sneak, so he gave me two re-ad tickets (usually given as refunds for movies that break down) so I'm taking my best friend tomorrow so we can cry for 2 hours and 40 minutes.

Oh so guess who doesn't have to drive their boyfriend around everywhere because he finally got a car? Yeah, me! For virtually our entire relationship I've had to drive Aaron because he either hadn't had his license yet or didn't have a car to drive. Not anymore! It's nice to have a boyfriend who can drive me places for once (although I'm still a little scared of his driving). It's a nice change of pace.

Sorry to have another non-food dominated post. If I'm fortunate to still have you all with me by the time I go back to school, expect my posts to go back to normal. At least then I'll have my gym back and can more easily drop weight.

Ok, time for bed. Hope your summers are going well.
♥ Toni

P.S.-Finally learned how to hem my jeans with the original hem! Yay for pants that are the right length!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Long-ish post. Please bear with me.

77 followers. I don't feel like I deserve 77 followers seeing as
1) I only post 1-3 times a week now and
2) I have lost zero weight in what? a month? more than a month?

Yes I'm still at 122, but I deserve it. I've been doing a limited amount of exercise and have been eating whatever I want (although never enough to make me feel painfully full or anything like that). Dance classes started on Saturday. I'm still trying to figure out what classes are right for me but I'm for sure taking a leaps/turns technique class and some sort of ballet class.



K- First off your English is fine! Better than some people on the internet who grew up with it as their first language. I was on my dance team in high school and we did some jazz but mostly drill team/military style dancing. Since I've been in college I've focused on jazz and I'm really looking to improve my turns and jumps technically as I'm trying to make my university's dance team. And gymnastics? I just could not ever imagine doing all those flips and stuff, I'd be way too afraid of getting hurt! But I respect anyone who has the discipline to stick with it into adulthood.

Olivia- I knooooooooooooooow. I swore I would text you if I ever ended up doing a market but I've been scheduled to work at the theater every. single. Saturday. And now on top of it I have dance class on Saturday too, so basically I probably won't be doing a Saturday market all summer. And if I do Wednesday classes I won't be able to do those markets either! I'm bummed because I really wanted to introduce you to my parents, and meeting Boy would have been so nice! Damn, I guess we'll just have to wait until September. I'm sorry, I really was hoping to see you there this summer. =(



Well, other than bad food news I got to spend some quality time with Aaron Sunday night when I slept over at his dad's house. Basically when he lives with his dad he's in this huge city with tons to do and we just sat around watching Harry Potter and, as he likes to call it, having a little "slap and tickle" (sorry if that was tmi). ^_~
But we did go see Horrible Bosses, which was pretty much as funny as I thought it would be. It was $7.75 well spent I guess.

Oh and speaking of money I've been stressing out about paying for next year's tuition and housing and all that stuff because I'm getting $5000 less than I did last year. Good news though because my housing and meal plan will cost less (apartment=less dining hall food) and hopefully I'll be able to get an on campus job in a mail room or at the gym or something. But anyway turns out I only have to pay $250 more a quarter than my financial aid will cover which is good! I thought it would be a lot more. So now I just have to worry about buying groceries and books.

So now I'm watching both Kill Bill volumes and I've already caught up on everyone's blogs. Is it just me or does it seem like everyone's posting a bit less? I know personally I just haven't had much time and I'm not exactly living up to what this blog is supposed to be about at the moment, but it just seems like summer is a bad time for blogging. Funny, you'd think there would be an influx of activity. Maybe we're all getting busy. I can relate.

Well, off to bed I suppose. Again I apologize for my lack of posting and my inability to lose any weight. I swear if I just wasn't working so much I'd be at least a few lbs thinner. But I'll take a maintain and earning money over a loss and earning no money any day. I always have the school year to lose that last 10, right?

♥ Toni

P.S.- Anyone watching this season's Big Brother? I just got into it after reading an article about the show and all I have to say is: what the fuck is up with Rachel and her annoying laugh? I really hope she doesn't stay in the house too much longer. Blegh.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Harry Potter is coming!!!

Olivia, you do always manage to see a silver lining. Thanks for making me feel a bit better, and you've been doing awesome adjusting to your new dietary needs. A few slip ups here and there will only make you stronger once you get through them. =)
75 followers! That's 3/4 of the way to 100. Wow. Thanks awesome blossoms!

So guess who got scheduled to work the HP7 pt. 2 premiere? This girl right here. And I can't even go to see the HP marathon my work is holding all week because my dad is lame and gives me a curfew of midnight. I'm nineteen. WTF? So I guess I'll have to settle on seeing the advanced employee screening of part 2 and getting to wear an HP5 Ron t-shirt to work for the premiere. Better than nothing I suppose.

Food has been ok. I think I'm eating a little less every day and I'm seeing very minute changes on the scale. I'm hoping for a weigh in of 121 after my dance class from 10-11:30am. And then I get to look forward to a 1:30-10pm shift right after that, so I won't have a ton of time to eat. Eh, right now I'm mostly worries about how much my dance classes will cost. If I take 3 that's already close to $130 for the month. =/
I only make about $160 a week and I need to save all I can for next year. I could be cutting it very close if I can't fit in an on-campus job. Life sucks.

Sorry this post is super short and not very food related, but I need some sleep for tomorrow.

Hope you all had a great day,
♥ Toni

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Still Struggling

I haven't posted in a week? Over a week? Oh who cares, it's been too long. I'm hovering around the same weight as I was a week ago: 122. Oh and if anyone didn't notice or got confused I changed my display name to my actual name, Toni. I've also caught up on all of your posts and even followed a new follower, Yasmin. She just started her blog Beautiful Waif, so if you like following blogs from the very beginning go check her out. =)

So in the week I was gone I've pretty much done away with most of the habits I developed while I was in college. Is it healthier? Yes. Do I like it? Sort of. Would I trade this for what I was doing before? Totally. The only reason I'm eating more is because the food is just here. I know some girls can restrain themselves but I struggle a lot. Plus I haven't been to an actual gym in almost a month. And it's too damn hot (think high 90's low 100's) to go jogging at any reasonable time, so for the past few days I've been sticking to 40 minutes of the Barre program on my OnDemand exercise listings. It's pretty much a muscle toning exercise for dancers but boy does it make me sweat. I'm trying to get into some kind of shape for dance classes which start in no less than two days! I'll be trying out a leaps and turns technique class taught by my former dance team assistant coach on Saturday. Then on Monday I'll be trying out an intermediate jazz class taught by the same person and on Tuesday (hopefully my leotard will have arrived by then) I'll be attending an intermediate/advanced ballet class. That one's taught by a dude. Am I nervous to be taking an advanced level ballet class when I've ever only taken jazz? Hell yes. But who knows? Maybe I'll be ok at it. And I don't even know if I can afford to take all three, but we'll see. I'm very excited!

Aaron and I have been good. He's living with his mom in our home town for an unspecified period of time which means we've been together more than when he lived with his dad 40 minutes away. But I'm sure he'll be going back soon, and then we can go to the state fair! I've never gone and I want to see what all the hooplah is about.

Oh ok so just yesterday I found out something very surprising that also made me a little sad. Did you know that Kelly Osborne is now 122 lbs?!?! What? She's seriously 10 lbs lighter than me? I was just floored. I mean good for her, she look's fantastic but man, that really makes me want to get down to my UGW of 112 now. Who knew KO weighed that little?

Alright it's 3am and I'm probably going to have to wake up around 9 so good night. I promise I'll start posting more consistently. Part of it is me being ashamed of getting off track and the other is just not having enough time. Summer is supposed to be relaxing! Not busy!

♥ Toni

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

This is not how I expected my summer to go. Someone please save me.

I haven't been sticking to the SGD. I haven't even been counting calories. I'm just eating and if I eat too much and gain weight I eat less, so my weight has stayed at about 122 lbs. Yesterday it was up to 125.5. I suppose it's weight fluctuations but I still feel horrible about the fact that I haven't lost any permanent weight in over a month. I. better. not. be. plateauing. Fuck.

I guess this would be good...if I didn't want to lose another 10 lbs. I want to be thinner, not weigh the same all summer. I just keep eating. It's so hard to resist at home where my parents are watching me all the time. But I work from noon to 8:30 tomorrow so I think I'll just stick to water. I want to be 120 by the end of the week.

If I had to guess I'd say I had maybe 1,200 calories today. Not good enough. It doesn't help that it was raining all day so I couldn't go outside and jog. I did some exercises in my room but they were mostly muscle building exercises, not the cardio I need to do to burn this fat off.

It's only 10pm and I'm already tired. I got 8 hours of sleep last night but I guess this past sleep-deprived week is catching up to me. I'm already tired of summer being more busy than the school year. This is not how my break was supposed to go, and when dance classes start up again next week my days will be even more packed. Great...

I hope I have better news for you all tomorrow (if I post, sorry I've been lagging in that department). I hope I'm not getting depressed, that's the last thing I need right now. Thank goodness for Daniel Tosh. He's one funny man. And not too bad on the eyes either. ;)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I've Had No Time

These past two days have been so full I've had no time to post. Surprise surprise they've also been filled with food. I'll definitely have to come back and fill you all in but here the gist of it:

Thursday: work and then all day movie day with Jenna. Went to see Bridesmaids and Cars 2 and ate a lot.
Friday: work and then start of summer party. There's weren't a on of people, just 15 or so of some close friends from high school. Surprisingly no one said anything about my weight loss, although I continue to get compliments at the theater I work at. This just means I have to work even harder to lose more weight so my friends notice and say something about it.
Saturday: work and Relay For Life. I didn't eat too much. Still over the SGD limit but I burned off over 600 calories in my RFL 3-hour shift. Also the schedule came in for the dance studio that's right by my house, so I'm very excited to start taking classes. Now I just need to get paaaaaaaaaaaaid.
Today: visiting Aaron. We're going to the mall where he lives (it's really nice) and just hanging out for the day. I won't be home until midnight so the next time I post might be tomorrow?

I'll have to catch you all up on this weekend. I'm sorry I've had so little time with you all the past few days. I've caught up on all of your blogs though, so I'm in the know. =)

And I'm now up to 72 followers. Thanks K, Jen, and alexmills96 for joining. And welcome back Scarlett, I see you got past that blog bug. ^_^

Ok, I'll be back later,
♥ Toni

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Past

Ok I could not help posting about this. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I Facebook stalk people from my childhood? Oh...well yeah I do that sometimes. And it's so interesting to see what people have been doing.

There's this one girl in particular...we went to the same church and I remember the guy I liked had a crush on her and she was cute and thin and we interacted a lot because we were all the same age and...I know this is mean and I wouldn't say this if I wasn't so taken aback with it all but she's big. Like, biiiiiig. And I'm not sure if I should do this but I had to show you guys. You don't even know how shocked I was because she was the girl all the guys had a crush on. And well...

I'm in the front 2nd from the left with the huge chunky legs.
I'd say this was taken when I was in the 8th grade, so I was 13. It's a church group. She's putting her arm around the girl in the white hoodie.
 
And here she is again in green. 

And then I saw some recent pictures.





She's on the right.


And again on the right.

Please tell me some of you know what I'm talking about? You know, there's that one super popular girl in school or at work or on your sports team or whatever who you always envied, and then you see them after years apart and they look so different?

Like there's this other girl Kaitlyn who just relentlessly picked on me in the fourth grade and almost ruined the whole year for me. She convinced all the other girls not to play with me and this one girl, Ashley, that I tried all year to convince to be my friend was best friends with her so...you can imagine it took a long time to get her to like me. She even told a teacher that I said I wanted to shoot her. She was just a bitch. And then after I switched schools across town in fifth grade (unrelated to Kaitlyn and her teasing) I found out no one wanted to be her friend. In the sixth grade the city throws 3 dances a year for all the sixth graders in town (there was something like 8 elementary schools back then) and I saw her at one of them once. She got fat...and then she moved out of the state and now she's dating another girl. Not like I think that's bad, it's just weird to see how people end up, you know?

Boy, I can't wait to see how I react to my high school reunions. I'm going to flip my shit at those or something if I get all excited over little stuff like this already.

Ok, goodnight. I won't make you read the crazy little rants I spew about my childhood anymore.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tired, tan, and thinner(ish).

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was too upset. My dad and I got into a dumb fight over walking home from Dollar Scoop with my sister and I was just pissed off for most of the night. Plus I went over my calorie limit, but that's kind of assumed when it's a 300 calorie day. I totaled 530 calories, 230 over the limit. Oh well.

Today I was better. Breakfast was a laughing cow cheese wedge and 10 almonds (105 cal). And then I didn't eat again until after I came home from my parents' farm and did some exercise around 2pm. I had a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich (285 cal), 10 strawberries (20 cal), 2 carrots (15 cal), and half of a pumpkin muffin (90 cal). And I just had some Honey Bunches of Oats a few hours ago (240 cal). I did a good hour and 25 minutes of OnDemand cardio, yoga and pilates and burned off 400 calories. My intake today was 755 and my net intake was 355 calories, so 45 under my limit. Yay. =)

I'm getting very excited for the pool party my friend Taylor is throwing on Friday. Aaron will be there, I'm happy with my tan, and the scale said an even 120 on it today (even despite there being about 32 oz of water and a sandwich in my tummy). Only three more lbs and I'll officially be at a new lowest weight. 118 is the lowest ever weighed in a relatively adult body. It hasn't changed at all in height or overall shape since I was 13. I've been 5 feet and an hourglass since I hit puberty. Yesterday I ran into a girl from my HS dance team that I hadn't seen in two years and she said I looked really good and fit, so if she noticed then I'm eager to see what everyone else will notice too.

Olivia: Yeah I drank a TON of water today. I probably had a few glasses over 2 liters and I feel a lot better.

Camille: Oh yeah I remember you blogging about the water retention. The soreness has gone away a bit, so I think whatever swelling I had has gone down, but who knows? I've been drinking a lot of water so maybe my muscles will just fuck with me and decide to keep it all in. =/

Christy: Yes, very painful.

Amber: Well we don't actually live on a farm. My family lives in the 'burbs and my parents only got into farming about 5 years back, so they leased some land about 20 minutes away but I think that makes it even more challenging to maintain. They wouldn't mind moving out there to live there full time, but personally I'm fine living in the only house I've been in the past 19 years. haha

Sorry for no thinspo today, again I have work tomorrow. Six days in a row I have workworkwork. Greaaaaaaat. And I don't even get paid from my actual job until next Thursday. And I've got no clue when my parents will have the money to pay me. Ugh anyway I'm very tired. I got up at 5:30 am to get to the farm before the heat took over, so I'm worn out.

Hope everyone's day was a good summer day.
♥ Toni

P.S.-Thank you Shauna Nicholson for following! You brought me up to 68 today. =)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Disappointed in my body.

So today I had work and I decided all I would have was coffee and water until I got home. I thought I'd be down at least a half lb, but nooooooooo, my body decided to be a little rebel and gain to 121.5 lbs. Well, maybe when I weigh myself tomorrow morning I'll be smaller.

Boy did I think I was sore last night. Today was so much worse. Climbing stairs was painful. My thighs, obliques, and butt are screaming. Today my mom said how skinny my legs look and gave them a little squeeze and I gasped in pain. I guess I worked harder than I thought I did. And guess what? I did it again today. I'm guessing I burned maybe 185 calories, but again I'm downplaying it.

So food was coffee this morning (10 cal), and a fun size twix (80 cal) plus bite of cookie dough (35 cal) when I got home. Despite my mom using Crisco in her cookies, most of everything else is fairly healthy. Almond meal, oats, and unbleached flour among other things. Plus they taste great. We went to Carl's Jr. for dinner and I got a Cranberry Walnut Salad with grilled chicken. I only used half of the raspberry vinaigrette and feta cheese, so instead of a 360 calorie salad it was more like 305. And then I had a super small piece of my mom's cheese cake (55 cal) So my total intake today was 485 and my net intake was 300 calories. I'm glad I'm finding the energy to actually keep up with the SGD, and your lovely comments and support really help push me along. =)

Camille: No I don't live in the UK, California is my house and home. I guess Xfinity is a subset of Comcast, so maybe that rings more of a bell? And thank you for the support. You and your hubby are totally adorable. =)

So yeah my day hasn't been too exciting...at all. I hope I have more to talk about tomorrow. I gotta go to bed soon though, I'm getting up early to go to my parents' farm. Oh joy...

I really want to eat a whole bakery right now.

♥ Toni

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day (you know, because tons of my followers are dads, tee hee)

But seriously, I think this year was a pretty alright Father's Day. I got my dad a shirt from my university. :D

Like yesterday, I stayed on track again today. Part of that is due to the television believe it or not. I came home for summer to find that my parents switched to Xfinity and now we have On Demand, which means free exercise programs. I did, in total, probably an hour or so of pilates, cardio, abs, and thigh exercises. Now my inner thighs and glutes are sore, which is good. They haven't been sore in a long time.

I took my parents and sister out to a move for Father's Day. Now that I'm back to working I get the privilege of seeing free movies, so all I paid for was popcorn (if I had paid for all of us it would have been over $40!) We saw X-Men: First Class and I LOVED it. It was one of the best prequels I've ever seen. It was loads better than the Wolverine film. The story and acting was absolutely great.

Food was under my limit. My parents offered to cook my up eggs this morning but I just had a piece of french bread toast and butter (125 cal) with coffee (10 cal) and strawberries (25 cal). Then I didn't eat again until dinner before the movie. I ate 3.5 oz of tri tip (170 cal), a small potato with sour cream (70 cal), another piece of french bread toast (grilled with no butter; 80 cal), a few bites of caesar salad (25 cal), and a desert of my mom's home made cheese cake (130 cal). Then I had about a fifth of the small popcorn at the movies (145 cal). I'm downplaying the amount of calories I burned to 225 because I really have no clue how much I burned, but I know I was sweating! I'm sure I burned more, but better safe than sorry, right? So my total intake today was 780 and my net intake was 555 calories. Aaaaaand I weighed in at 121.25 lbs. Good day. =)

Other miscellaneous things I did today was clean out all of my thinspo folders. Some times the old stuff just doesn't elicit the same response from me, so I got rid of like 250 photos and added some more from tumblr. A lot of fitspo, which I'm really getting into, as are a few other bloggers I'm noticing.




I love her body



Sooooo taaaaaaaan


And a hello to hey.haha.Thanks for joining. ^_^

Shrinking Violet: Thank you! I'd really like to get rid of the rest of the little pooch on my belly but overall I think the difference in my body is really noticeable.And yes I thought JGL was so gorgeous in Inception, especially in all those suits.

Amber: Haha thanks for understanding my screen rant. And yeas, every day does make a difference. I'm glad I didn't decide to just keep screwing up because of one bad week.

Christy: Really? The whole time I was thinking "boy, I really want some chocolate, and gummi candy, and whipped cream, and sugar, and allthecandyintheworld!"

Sammy and Ulla: Doesn't Nolan just make the best movies? He's definitely my favorite modern director.

Hope you ladies are having a good day (or night if you're living in the States like me). And to all the girls who are having a tough time I hope tomorrow is a fresh start and you all feel a little better.

♥ Toni

Saturday, June 18, 2011

INCEPTION!!! (and thinspo)

Thank you astridwillbe50 for joining my blog
You're in a place of no judgement. =)

I'm currently watching Inception on HBO. It's my favorite movie and I'm very disappointed that HBO is playing it in fullscreen. If any of you are movie screen ratio savvy then you know that movie theater screen are very rectangular, and 75 mm film is formatted to make the picture look very wide, so that landscapes look humungous. TV screen are more square, so when movies air on television, they either air in widescreen (hence the thick black lines on the top and bottom of your tv screen) or in full screen, which means the edges of the film are cut off to make the picture small enough. It's just not the same. =/
But anyway I love Inception and Christopher Nolan and the score by Hans Zimmer and the story and the acting and the 4 Oscars the film won and everything about it! He was possessed with some radical notions...

I started work again today back at the movie theater. They put me on reg (concessions). It was an 8 hour day but I was glad to be back, and 3 of my co-workers commented on my weight loss! So anyway I had no time to eat and didn't eat much when I got back home. I only had a cup of coffee in the morning (10 cal), and when I got home I had an oatmeal raisin cookie (170 cal), a few bites of bread (75 cal), 1/4 of an apple danish (80 cal), and a home made soft taco (255 cal) for a total of 590 calories, which is 60 calories under my limit for the SGD!

FINALLY!

I finally stayed under my calories limits. Holy crap does it feel good, and today I weighed 122.25 to boot, .75 lbs under yesterday. I think I'm getting on the right track.

Ok and I actually took the after pics for the Pictures Page so check it out if you want.

Alright not much else to say for today. Got some thinspo though. :D







Night lovelies.
♥ Toni

P.S. Now I'm watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This day is just getting better.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I hope this post makes sense because I'm severely tired.

Thank you Savanna, Shrinking Violet and Miwo for joining my blog. =)
I can't believe I'm up to 65 followers. I feel bad that I haven't updated in 4 days and people are still signing up to follow, but I'm very grateful for you lovelies.

SGD has bee such a total and complete bust. I've only had one good day. Today was 730 calories total. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not going to the gym. I would be running but my schedule has been busy with work and on Wednesday I went on that trip to see Aaron. I had so much fun. I stayed the night at his place and...uh...played the best game of doctor ever. And then the next day we went to a water park. The best part? I felt good in my new black bikini (oh yeah I bought a new bathing suit, bras, running shoes, and lacy panties on Tuesday with Jenna). I didn't feel like a fat whale for the first time in my life. You know how girl always compare themselves to other girls at water parks? I felt like one of those girls that some might compare themselves to, and Aaron not being able to keep his hands off me boosted my confidence as well. And one of my closest friends is having a start of summer pool party in a week, so I want to lose maybe just a few more lbs before then to really feel good.

I'm up to 123 lbs, but I'm sure some of it is food still in my tummy. I go back to my actual job at the movie theater (my other one is working for my parents) tomorrow at 8:30 am. I think I'll be able to go all day without much food. I'm in a good place right now, but I know if I keep slipping up I'll gain some weight back and I don't want that to happen. Up until Wednesday I was losing about a half lb a day and I was down to 120.25 lbs, so I know if I just restrict I'll be pretty ok. I'm going to go jogging more and do some body exercises in my room to maybe make up for the fact that I don't have a gym membership and probably wouldn't be able to go much if I got one anyway.

I promise I'll post more tomorrow. I'm so tired and need to get up early for work. I'll post pictures of thinspo, lots of it. Oh and I think I can finally do before/after pictures. I've been meaning to do that...ugh ok going to bed. I've read most of your updates from the past few days and will read the rest tomorrow. =)

♥ Toni

Monday, June 13, 2011

Where has my will power gone?

Man, I don't understand how some girls can lose 3-4 lbs per week. I'm lucky if I lose 1 lb a week and 5 lbs in a month, but I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm small enough that I don't lose weight as quickly as I used to. Needless to say I've been fucking up the SGD. I feel like at this point I'm just eating what I want and not caring that I'm even on the SGD. I couldn't even stay in the limits for Saturday and Sunday. Actually, I don't even know how much I ate Sunday. That was the day I came home from college, so today was my first full day back home for the summer. But anyway yesterday I had half of a pepperoni calzone, a raspberry lemonade, a scoop of raspberry cheesecake ice cream, and a pork springroll. Only 4 things with calories and I'm sure it totaled over 1000. Sigh...at least this time last week I was a solid 125 lbs and today I fluctuated between 122.5 and 123.5. I count that as good.

Food-wise, today was slightly better. I worked up a sweat unpacking in this heat and I went for a little run before dinner. So that's gotta count for something. I tried not to eat too much before dinner. I find that when I'm home it's fairly easy for me to eat little throughout the day until dinner, and then I only eat a moderate portion of food. It usually has pretty good results and I lose weight. So today I had coffee with sugar and creamer (totally not my usual fat free milk and Equal; 55 cal), a home made cookie (90 cal), 6 Triscuits (120 cal), and 15 strawberries (25 cal). The strawberries are from my parent's farm and I haven't had them in so long. They tasted heavenly and will probably be one of my major safe foods all summer. I especially like to eat them when I'm picking them for the markets we do. So anyway around came dinner. Grilled everything. 2.5 oz grilled chicken (105 cal), grilled lettuce (20 cal), 3 pieces of grilled sourdough baguette (140 cal), and miscellaneous bites of food throughout the day (140 cal). Plus I walked/ran 2.1 mi around my neighborhood. 5 minutes of that was walking (-22 cal) and 18 minutes of that was running at 6 mi/hr (-168 cal), so a total of 190 calories burned. This would put me at exactly 450 calories, but then I had a home made strawberry milkshake. I want to say that's 230 calories. So my total intake for the day was 870 and my net intake was 680 calories. Blah. I really need to start controlling this food thing.

Fat chance. I went grocery shopping with my mom today and we bought bagels, cream cheese, rootbeer and Shasta Tiki Punch soda, Choco Tacos, and Klondike Bars. Good news: I had her get nonfat milk (for my coffee, whoop!), reduced fat cream cheese, celery, skinny cow spreadable swiss, and turkey. There was some other stuff too but I most likely won't eat a lot of it.

Tomorrow's plan of attack: waking up around 7:30 to take an hour long walk/run, come back and shower, pick up Jenna around 10 to go shopping (for new bras, running shoes, and dance attire for my summer classes), then go to class and come home. Hopefully food won't be in there much.

And another very good thing happened last night/today. Ok, so there's something you have to know about my parents and Aaron, neither really likes the other, especially my dad and Aaron. My mom is eh about it but my dad really doesn't like him. It's not like he's a jerk or anything, he just says the wrong thing...a lot. But last night my dad said that because I'm growing up (just turned 19) and just spent a year away from home doing my own thing that he's going to be more lenient about Aaron, especially because we're not living in the same town this summer. We both grew up in out hometown but Aaron's dad had to move about 40 minutes away so we won't be spending as much time together, but my dad said it was ok if I spent the day/night over there sometimes. I was floored. I thought I'd have to convince him for weeks to let me go visit him, but there he was telling me I could right off the bat. And today I asked if I could go Wednesday night and stay until Thursday evening and he said yes! I'm so excited! And Aaron lives in a big city too, the state's capital if that gives you any clues. So I think we might go clubbing with a friends from college who also lives there. I've never gone but I have the perfect LBD that I actually look good in now.

Damn ok so this post is already long, but I have to respond to comments.
Elbar7a: I can definitely see why you've never had Coldstone. If you did you'd probably never want to leave (like me). It takes me at least a good 10 minutes to decide what I want because everything looks good (and subsequently full of calories).
Amber: Yes, Olivia Lee and I are going to the same college next year but she'll be a year ahead of me. Haha I'm glad you remember. And yeah I have the feeling most of us would get along quite well if we all met in person. In fact it wold be awesome to meet you in person. You're one of my favorites.
Olivia Lee: Ditto. The rest of my weekend was full of packing and driving and hot weather. You were definitely one of the best parts of the weekend.

Ok, that was a lot of stuff. I congratulate you if you made it through to this part. So I have some much overdue thinspo:








No real theme, just stuff I like and what I thought you lovelies would like.

Here's to a better tomorrow,
♥ Toni

P.S.-Welcome Kate and JT! Thank you for signing in and following this journey of mine. =D

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Tired and Full.

Boy has a lot happened in the past few hours.

First off, I want to welcome my newest followers, although in the past few days I've seen the number switch from 58 to 59 about 3 different times, so forgive me if I'm missing one or two of you. Welcome Britni Marie, Starving Artist and Adrian. Although  maybe I already said hi to Adrian? Oh well if I did already then you get two!

Today has been nothing but packing while listening to A) Fleetwood Mac (Rumours) and B) Britney Spears (everything!). I'd say I'm 80% packed. All my clothes, books, shoes, and lotions are packed. School supplies, accessories and makeup are all that really remain. After I finished packing for the day I decided to take a little nap. It was only 90 minutes but the effect still hasn't worn off. It's like my body is stupid and doesn't know that I only took a nap. Instead it thinks I'm depriving it of sleep and it's making me feel like a zombie.

Food wasn't terrible. I had the fruit salad thing, went out to sushi and had some kind of veggie roll with fried something fish in it and miso soup, and then because I'm me and like to fuck things up I had Birthday Cake Remix from Coldstone (a.k.a. heaven in a cup). Total is probably around 1000 for the day. Not really that terrible, only 350 over the SGD limit. And Gianni's right, a total of 1000-1200 is better than eating a total that will make me gain.

Let me tell you about dinner. I met someone tonight. Someone a lot of you know. I dined with none other than the lovely miss Olivia Lee. She happened to be in town this weekend and we had sushi together with two of my friends from university. She. Is. Awesome. She's so cute and nice and friendly. We talked about college and summer plans (we actually only live like 2 towns over from each other) and Blogger. It was so cool meeting someone from this community, especially her because she's one of the first blogs I started to follow and she's one of my favorites. It's official, I ♥ OL.

Alright, as my post says I'm tired and full, so I'm going to head off to bed. If I have time tomorrow in between packing and going home and seeing my family again I'll post some thinspo. I went searching today for some to put up because I know I've been neglecting to post it for a while.

Nighty night lovelies,
♥ Toni

Tired and Hungry

I have been terrible at this the past few days so I apologize. I haven't been updating and I haven't been sticking to the SGD.

Thursday was a good day though. I burned that 1,100 I said I was going to with a mix of elliptical and the treadmill. I weighed in at 122.6. Only thing that wasn't so good was my eating. I really wanted to be in the negatives since I exercised so hard, but I ended up eating so much I was at 470 for the day, meaning I ate almost 1,600 calories. Oh well, I didn't go over.

Yesterday was worse. It was a 450 calorie day and I have no idea how much I ate. For breakfast I had banana nut bread, fruit and an omelet which was something like 600 calories, then I burned 235 running/walking around the school for 40 minutes, but then by the time dinner rolled around I was starving, so my friends and I went to a diner. I had a patty melt, milk shake, and a salad that was drenched in ranch dressing. I really need to order my dressings on the side from here on out. I've never had a salad that was more soaked in dressing. Then I had some ice cream. If I had to guess I think my total was something like 1,200. Yuck.

I weighed myself today and even though it's the shoddy scale I bought for $3 I think it's fairly accurate to a degree. After weighing myself a few times I think I'm at something like 121.5 lbs. Not terrible. I just had a fruit salad with yogurt from McDonald's (210 cal) and will be going out for dinner one last time before I head home. How sad! I'll keep you updated.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I'm not going to fuck today up.

I'm sorry I didn't post last night. I need to get out of the habit of skipping days on the blog.

Thank you ALL for all of your lovely comments: Scarlett, Nichole S., Adrian, Thin or Not, Gianni, Christy, Olivia Lee, Sofia, Amber, Violet, Peanut, and Kat not Jas. Wow, you girls are just amazing and I'm really glad I joined blogger back in December because you are all beautiful and awesome - awesome followers and fellow bloggers!

Up to 58 followers! Wasn't it just a few days ago that I hit 50? I'm really excited that my blog is growing. ^_^

So yeah it turns out my night spent with Aaron Tuesday night was probably my last for the whole summer. He's already left school because he's done with all of his finals and was supposed to be going to his uncle's funeral in L.A. today, but they got a flat tire so they ended up just going to Sacramento, which is where they moved to. I used to be able to walk to Aaron's house in less than 10 minutes and now I'll only see him once a week maybe! But I guess it's a good thing, he thinks a little time away may make our relationship better, plus we'll be living closer to each other next school term when we come back to university. Plus I can focus more on working my two jobs and going to dance class if he's not around to distract me.

I officially ended school yesterday when I e-mailed my TA my last essay and now I have three days to pack until I leave for home. My first year of college is already over. It went by so fast! Ugh I'm tired of growing up and seeing the world fly by, but such is life.

Food hasn't been great. Every day I have a set plan but someone always cajoles me into eating and I feel horrible afterwards. Thankfully I've been losing weight (down to 123.75 as of yesterday), but not as much as I hoped I would. To be honest I ate after I posted on Monday, so my -10 net intake was probably somewhere more around 600. I'm not sure. Tuesday I went to the dining hall after I calculated all my calories. I was under my limit and all I was going to have was coffee, but I ended up eating cheesy bread, a giant bowl of frosted flakes, and tri tip. Yesterday wasn't much better. I didn't know the university gym closed early this week so I only had 20 minutes on the elliptical. I burned 260 calories (I pushed myself as hard as I could go) and decided to, and this might sound crazy, run the track. I don't run. I hate running. But I ran. And I did a mile in something like 10.5 minutes and burned another 90 calories. So to make up for my lack of exercise yesterday I'm going back today once the overcast was dissipated and I'm going to run 2 miles, spend an hour on the elliptical, then run another 2 miles. That should burn over 1000 calories easily.

So last night's eating I can totally add up and tell you. I was saving most of my food until "dinner" (if you can even call it that). To celebrate the end of finals Jenna and I were going to pig out on Totino's pizza rolls. This was before I had to cut my workout short. I for breakfast I had eaten a lemon poppyseed muffin (130 cal), 1/3 of a belgian waffle (90 cal), 1/2 tbsp butter (50 cal), and 2 tbsp syrup (105 cal) and my total was 375 calories. I burned 350 at the gym. And then my friends were all "Hey Toni we're going out to eat at Burger. Wanna go?" And I was all "Ok but I might not eat anything because I'm planning on a pizza roll party with Jenna later." And they were all "Ok." I ended up eating a hot dog with mac-n-cheese on it (that alone is 400 calories), french fries (225 cal), and 16 oz of Sprite (155 cal). And on top of that I still had the pizza rolls, 12 of them (420 cal). Yup, my net intake came to 1225 calories. I heavily doubt that the scale will tell me that I've lost weight. =/

Today I am sticking to my plan. I'm not gonna be Fatso McGee today. I'm going to limit my net intake to 1000 and burn more than 1000. I'm not going to fuck up.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

At Aaron's place so...

I'm sorry! I can't post like I said I would. I'll have to save commenting for tomorrow. For now all I can say is thank you so, so, so much for the support. More detailed thank yous will be coming tomorrow!

Hello, I'm Toni and this is me.

Ok I'm ready...I think. I'm putting up pictures of myself. Not just my thighs, but my face, and my boyfriend's face, and my friends' faces. Promise you won't go find them and brutally stab them in their sleep. Pretty please?

Well, to start it off here's a picture of me in high school, in between the ED/NOS phases I had when I was 14 and now:
 I really don't know how much I weighed here. It's around Christmas of 2008, which was my junior year in high school. I'm 16. I remember my face looking less oval than this...
And I have no idea why I'm wearing no make-up and my eyebrows are so unruly. Probably because Christmas morning is always so hectic that I had no time.


This is a picture taken this summer when me, my friends, and Aaron (that's him!) went to Six Flags after graduation. I'd say I'm in the mid to upper 130s in this picture. The thing that strikes me about this picture is how much older Aaron looks than me, and he's 5 months younger. It's the height and facial hair.


 This was taken in early November of last year, right before I hit my heaviest at 148. I was 145ish here. My face was so fat! I look at this picture and all I can see is a little kid, and this was less than a year ago. I don't see an 18-year-old college adult in this photo, I see a girl. The other two girls here are my hall mates Liz and Priscilla.


 I can't quite remember if this was taken in October or November, but I know I saw this photo and thought that my legs looked like sausages. I hate this photo.


 This was in early December, right before Christmas break. The hall had a giant Secret Santa gift exchange and I was the the organizer of it. I had already hit my highest weight and was starting to taper off the calories in my diet, but here I'm still in the mid 140s. That and horizontal stripes? Not a great combo on a lil chubby girl. The blonde to the left is my best friend Jenna. ^_^


Also in the same time period as the last photo. I made that dress out of magazine but found that I was too big to fit into it, so I asked my friend Lena to model it for me. Now there's a comparison if I ever need one: short fat brunette next to a tall(er) thin blonde. Notice how my left thumb just digs into the fat of my waist. Ew.


This is on a bench in San Francisco in mid-January. A bunch of us went out the first weekend back in college before the actual work started up again. I had started this blog but hadn't started keeping track of my weight yet. If I had to guess I'd say I'm around 137 in this picture.


 
Why yes, that is me with a whole quart of Neapolitan ice cream looking like a crazed, bug-eyed loony. This is early March and I'm about 133 in this photo. I have lost 15 lbs since my highest weight, and my face is still chubby.

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^^^line separating the phase I felt horrible about my body and now

Sorry I have no April pictures. None of them seemed adequate. I guess that's when I really saw my body transform. This is May 4th, about a month ago. Between the last photo and this one two months passed, I lost 10 more lbs, started growing my bangs, started tanning, and started my dance classes. excuse the red eye. My eyes get like that. I feel a lot better about this picture than all the previous ones. The girl next to me is my really good friend Briana.


 This is less than 3 weeks ago, May 20th, the day we all went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. These are the most recent photos of me. I'm dressed as a pirate and weigh about the same as the last picture: 122 lbs.
(Side note: I am breaking my leggings-as-pants rule but Briana said it was ok since I was in costume).


Aaron used to be unable to pick me up. Now he can give me a piggy back ride. ^_^


 I don't think my face looks chubby anymore. =)


 Me and Jenna (and her cherry-red hair).


My profile picture. I love Effy (Kaya). So am I anything like you thought I'd look like?



I actually don't know if I'll put these up on my Progress page. There's a lot of pictures in this post and I don't want to clog it up. Maybe I'll just put up a before/after comparison. I have the before picture (It's from January) but haven't taken an after one. What do you guys think?

Alright, I'll update my food intake and such later. I just wanted to get this out of the way first.

♥ Toni