Thursday, March 31, 2011

Having a Better Day

Thank you for dealing with my little meltdown last night.
Christy: Thanks for always looking on the bright side, and yes my day is going better today.
Alice: I've managed to keep up the fast until now and plan to keep going until tomorrow morning. I hope you're doing just as well with it!

I was in such a low state of mind last night that I completely neglected my new follower. Welcome! I'm just sorry your first new post with me was such a downtrodden one. Sorry about that, I'm usually a lot cheerier.

I'm actually surprised at myself today: not only have I had minimal trouble avoiding food despite the gurgles in my tummy from time to time, but something rather odd happened about an hour ago. I went with some friends to the dining hall after class and all I had was a cup of green tea. It filled me up just fine and when I went back up to the dorms and another group of friends asked if I wanted to eat I replied "No thanks I just ate"...and I believed it. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized that I actually hadn't eaten and had just lied. Is this a good thing? Maybe, I don't know what to make of it yet.

Well I found out when cheer tryouts are. I have until May 21 to get down to 118. That's my goal. As far as I know we're just being taught a dance, a cheer, and jumps. For some reason I thought it was going to be harder than that. I've had a lot of experience trying out for routines when I was on dance/drill with little time to learn the moves so I think I'll do ok? Crossing my fingers.

Well this is probably going to be my only post for today. I don't think anything very exciting is going to happen between now and tonight. I am going to be creating a new tab with my measurements on it, but that's about it.

Wishing you all well in your endeavors,
♥ Toni

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I feel like a failure. I am a failure.

Up until an hour ago I was good. My limit today is 450. I had whittled my intake down to 350. Then for some stupid reason I had the bright idea to go eat! What the FUCK was I thinking?! I just saw all the food and didn't stop. My intake is now somewhere around 900. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And then I tried to bring it back up. I got about 8 heaves in when I threw in the towel and said "fuck it." I can still feel the fullness. It's nauseating. Tomorrow is a NO CALORIE day. No food. Fast. A total fast. Tea and water ONLY. Maybe then I can shrink this fat ass. God dammit, and I was doing so well. I fail at restricting and I fail at binge correction. Ugh!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I know what I want now and I'll do anything to get it.

Today was enlightening to say the least. I had a lot of ups, a lot of downs, a lot of food, and a lot of workouts!

I realized that despite what everything in my past tells me, what I'm trained in, and what I'm doing now, I want to be part of something bigger than myself, a team. I want to try out for cheer. It's crazy. I'm a dancer...sort of (three years of high school dance is enough to say that, right?). I'm taking modern and jazz (which I loooove). I despised the cheerleaders in high school. So why cheer? Well, I'm a bit awkward. I don't loosen up. Sure cheerleading has some dance in it but a lot of it is precision and sharp movements, not necessarily flowy, and that's exactly the type of dance I did in high school. Sharp arm sequences, kick, tricks. Not so much leaps and turns. So as soon as the next tryouts happen I'm going with one of my guy friends who lives in my hall and we're going to try out. Besides, dancers turn into cheerleaders all the time.

There's just one problem...I'm still fat. I'm reiterating what I said last night. The mirrors in that dance studio are the truth I'm forced to face. I look chunky still. Weight on short girls just doesn't look the same as it does on tall ones. So I need to go into super-duper diet mode. If I have any desire to not make a total fool of myself I need to drop this weight. No. Fat. Cheerleaders. Period.

Well I started Project Weight Loss Overhaul today. I've officially had my first negative intake day. And here's how it went down:
Skipped breakfast. Lunch was 7 oz of vegan chili (70 cal; and for those of you who wanted the recipe, they didn't have it up! I'm sorry.), 6 baby carrots and some celery and cucumber with 1 tbsp cesar dressing (70 cal), and a small brownie (70 cal). And after lunch I went to the gym where I burned off 500 calories.
Dinner was 1 piece of french bread, 2 pieces of bacon, 1/2 tbsp of mayo, and some lettuce and tomato for a BLT (180 cal), 1/2 cup of steamed veggies (15 cal), 3/4 cup of chocolate pudding (190 cal), and 1/2 of a California roll (195 cal). Later I went to jazz dance where I burned off another 350 calories (I'm sure it's higher but it's better to underestimate than overestimate) and then stopped by the gym really quick and burned an extra 70 calories off on the treadmill (ALL of the bikes and ellipticals were taken).
Add it all together and it's a total of -130 calories for the day.

I hope to dear God this puts a dent in my vacation gain. The needle is stuck at 129. Please please please let my weigh in tomorrow be lower than that. I've worked so hard these past few days. My thighs, calves, and arms are burning and my tummy growls every night before I go to bed. All I want is to be thinner. It's not a big demand.

And to make this post even longer I thought I'd add this lovely survey VictoriaCrimson previously filled out on her blog. Who knows, maybe some of you are actually interested in me. haha

1. How old will you be in 3 birthdays?
21. I'd probably buy booze to celebrate...if I didn't think it tasted disgusting and it didn't have huge amounts of calories.
2. Do you think you'll be married by then?

Possibly, Aaron and I will be past the 5 year mark by then. Maybe we'll just be engaged. 5 years is a long time to just be dating.
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months?
Possible cheer tryouts, getting thinner, my academic and dance classes, and warm weather!
4. Who was the last person who called you?
My best friend.
5. Have you ever played a team sport?

Freshman year I played badminton and the next three I was fully committed to the dance/drill team.
6. Who was the last person to text you?
My boyfriend.
7. Who was the last person you hugged?

Probably one of the people in the hall.
8. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was either on my laptop or reading Going Hungry.
9. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today?

I was on the bus coming back from buying books for my literature class.
10. How many states have you visited?
Just 3: California, Illinois, and Missouri.
11. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
I like it right here at the moment, but maybe back in dance class.
12. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Shoes if I'm walking, slippers if I'm lounging.
14. What was the last thing you drank?
Green tea.
15. Favorite Ice Cream?
I have quite a few that are all tied for favorite. Any type of cake (red velvet, cupcake, birthday cake), eggnog, green tea, and pumpkin.
16. What is your favorite number?
17. What's your favorite colour/s?
Favorites, in order: Navy blue, creme/offwhite, dark purple, pale yellow.
18. What's your favorite holiday?
Christmas by far, and not just because there's presents. I love that it creeps up on you all of December with the carols and the atmosphere and the smells of pine and cinnamon...the BAM! It hits you.
19. Do you like coffee?
I prefer tea or hot chocolate, but HC has no caffeine. =/
20. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
I'm bad when it comes to drinking water. Maybe up to 6 cups on a good day. 2 on a bad day.
21. What do you drink in the morning?
Usually water or tea if I even have breakfast.
22. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring?
Without. I'm not a very good supporter of piercings in places other than your ears.
23. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
No, but that's because I've only ever slept in a twin. Not much room to begin with. I do like facing the wall though.
26. Any plans for this week?
Working out during the week, high chance of a hall beach day this weekend. Gotta use up this good weather while we can.
27. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Home, if you call the dining hall "home."
28. How big is your TV?
Don't have one here. The one at home is maybe 24" wide. It's tiny.
29. Ever stolen a street sign?
No. I've stolen traffic cones though.
30. Do you keep a piggy bank?
Yes. It's shaped like Mickey Mouse.
31. What kind of camera do you have?
I don't, but I'll need to get one of my own soon if I'm going to be a serious film major.
32. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
No thank goodness.
33. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool I guess. The Pacific ocean up here is usually too cold.
34. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
35. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Nope. It doesn't look that hard though. I think I could learn.
36 Whats your favorite thing to spend money on?
Favorite? Probably clothing, shoes, makeup, etc. I'm such a girl!
37. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? 
No. I used to wear two black jelly bracelets constantly. Those have been replaced by a red rubber band. ;)
38. Do you speak any other language?

Three years of spanish and I still can't speak it.
39. Can you roll your tongue?
Yes. I can even lick my elbow with it!
40. Who is the funniest person you know?
I don't know. I laugh at a lot of things.
41. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
...Yes. They're at the foot of my bed. I have two Build-A-Bears (a cheetah and an elephant), a black Bath&Body Works sheep, a giraffe, a little Mickey Mouse, and a TY Beanie Baby lobster.
42. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
A green cardigan...that still fits. Hey, that's gotta count for something.
43. Huh?
44. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
45. Do you currently hate someone?
All the people I hate are either back home or attending another university, so I don't hate them as much than if I saw them here every day.
47. What are you listening to?
The hum of my laptop.
48. Are you single ?
Nope. Not for two years now.
49. Are you organized?
Kind of. It depends on where you look.
50. Do you collect anything?
Movie tickets kind of.

Ooooook, really long post tonight. Sorry about that. I hope you girls are having a good night and if not I hope you have a better tomorrow! Sending everyone good vibes. At least I'm sure not all of you are getting your first wisdom tooth in! Haha.

♥ Toni

Good First Day Back

Today was the first day of Spring Quarter. The sun was shining, it was warm, and I ended up being very happy with all of the classes I signed up for. I had my dance class, and boy was I surprised. I thought the first day would be us getting permission codes and a syllabus, not stretching, conditioning, and learning 8 counts! But I was lucky because I planned to go to the gym afterwards, so I was in the right gear, and it felt great to get my body moving to music again. I'm going to check out the Jazz I class tomorrow and see if I like it as well. The only thing I don't like is the fact that the dance studio is mirrored, and I look so short and fat compared to some of the other girls. sure I don't have a protruding belly, but my hips are huge. Ugggh just another reason to lose these next 17 lbs.

I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay under my limit for SGD today. I only burned 275 calories at the gym, but I plugged in the time I spent at the studio and got around 350 calories burned! And I bet that's an understatement! And after my workout weigh-in (despite not losing any weight) I felt great, almost like I had just chugged a few cups of coffee. I guess it was the emptiness. My tummy was growling by the time I got home, but on top of that I had to wait another 2 hours for Aaron to come over so we could eat dinner together. I had so much energy though. I wanted to do everything at once. It was a good feeling.

As for food I kept it under par. For breakfast I had a few bites of an english muffin (45 cal) and a slice of zucchini bread (190 cal). Lunch was 8 oz of tomato soup (140 cal) and a roll (115 cal). Dinner was 6 oz of minestrone, but it tasted bad so I only ate the beans (40 cal), 3 oz. of chicken parmesan sans half of the skin (145 cal), and a bagel with one side butter and the other with cream cheese (270 cal). Minus the 625 from dance and working out and the total is 320 calories for the day.

I think tomorrow I might be able to sneak in two workouts, once after my morning class and the other after dance. I'll be sweaty anyway and the gym is open until 10. An extra 2-300 calories will be good.

I want to thank all of you girls who left me comments on my first day back to SGD. Thanks for all of the support, it just makes me push myself even harder.

Well I hope the weather is treating all of you as wellas it is to me. I'll be sure to put up more thinspo soon, possibly to celebrate when I get back down to 125!

♥ Toni

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Start of a New Me

So first thing this morning I woke up, got online, and saw I had a new follower. Thank you for starting my day off with a smile. I hope we have a lovely time on our journeys together. =) Welcome.

It felt so good to get back on the SGD today! I didn't realize how much I'd missed it until today. Like a puzzle, I had to figure out how to fit certain foods into my day to not go over my limit of 700, and I didn't. =)
I thought I would have a semi-hard time getting back into the routine of counting but it was so much easier than I anticipated. What wasn't as easy was saying bye to my family. I came back to campus today with Aaron on a 2 1/2 hour car ride. And so begins school again! I ordered my textbooks online last night along with those caffeine pills. They should all be here by the end of the week. Hoorah!

Today was a good food day. For breakfast I had most of an orange (75 cal). For snacks I had a bite of sausage (35 cal), 10 tortilla chips and 3 tbsp of salsa (140 cal), 2 bagel crisps (45 cal), and 1/2 of a popsicle (20 cal). Dinner was the most surprising. All of the dining halls were closed so I went with some friends to Taco Bell and got two fresco tacos for only 300 calories. Some TB options are actually really low-cal compared to other fast food places which is really nice to know. So all in all my total came out to 615 calories out of 700.

Ok well that was my day. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things, especially my awesome new class schedule, and tell all of you guys about it!

Much Love,
♥ Toni

Saturday, March 26, 2011


So I ended up surrendering during the middle of the day when I went over to Aaron's and took a nap. I was just too tired after getting so little (erm, I mean NO) sleep. So today I stopped by CVS and picked up a 120 tablet bottle of 3mg Melatonin. Almost all the reviews were positive in its claim to help regulate sleep, so I will definitely be using these during the nights before my 8 am classes. Also, I decided to get some caffeine pills from ProLab on Amazon. $10 for a 100 tablets of 200mg caffeine. Not a bad deal, plus out of the 26 reviews only 2 were negative due to the fact that the reviewers built up an immunity to the dosage. I'm really excited. I think they'll really help on days where I need an extra pick me up (like study or exercise days) and I won't have to drink coffee.

So as for this morning's outing, the purpose it was created for was kind of a bust. I did go out for my anniversary, but I also wanted to catch up with the friends I haven't seen since December. Well...none of them came, so it was just me, Aaron, and Jenna. =/
The food wasn't even that great. I ordered a chocolate milkshake (didn't drink it all), a side salad (ate 3/4 of it), and a chicken cesar sandwich (ate less than half of it). I seems like I didn't eat a whole lot, but I was so full! I guess it was all the milkshake because I didn't have much food at all. Then we all went to see Battle: LA. I think it was pretty good. The scenes with a desecrated Los Angeles were beautifully done, and despite the acting being a little cliche it was a rather enjoyable movie.

Dinner was fantastic: tri tip, potato salad, asparagus, steamed veggies, cheesy bread, and for dessert a cherry crumble. I'm currently stuffed. Even though it's very uncomfortable, I'm going to have to cherish it because for the next few months I'm going to try to steer as clear as I can from feeling this full. Getting back to my goals is my top priority, and with my pills and added dance class(es? I'm going to try to get into a second one) I don't think I can fail very easily. Ooooo I'm so freaking ready! Can't wait to be back.

♥ Toni

P.S.-WhiteSkinnyAngel, you make a good point. I definitely think I'll cut back on talking to my cat around my parents from now on haha.

Diet, Diet, Diet

A big thank you for the girls who left comments on my last post (you lovelies know who you are). They really made me hopeful about the rest of the weight I want to lose and gave me a big smile. You guys are amazing. =)

So last night was yet another sleepless night just like this one, except this time instead of two hours I got no hours. I went to bed at 1:30 am and time flew by, so instead of getting 6 1/2 hours of sleep and waking up at 8 I'm now running on cup #1 of coffee which I'm sure will be followed by a few more. Since the last time this happened was less than two weeks ago I'm looking into over the counter sleeping pills. So far I've browsed CVS and found a bunch of pain relief/sleep inducing combos, but I already have an ibuprofen. Do any of you use sleep pills and/or could give me an idea of what to get? I'm considering Puralin because I saw a couple good reviews for it. I also noticed a lot of the brands had Melatonin in them, which I guess helps with sleep and weight loss? Hm...interesting, plus it's cheaper than most other diet pills, although I'm looking into Weider caffeine pills as well.

Speaking of diets and the like, I just entered Sunshinechild's Super Slim Down Competition (thank you for the tip Renee, you should do it with me!). I think what really motivated me these past few months was the CruzFit challenge I entered with my friends at college, so I think a bit of healthy competition would push me enough to start me back on the right track. Plus the girls who have entered so far are already really little with BMIs from 18-20. My BMI is about 25, and it's a common fact that the bigger you are the faster you lose weight. I'm in the high 120s and still have a bit of a jiggle to me, so I think I have a pretty good shot at doing really well, but I'm doing it first and foremost for the weight loss.

And another thing related to dad made another comment last night that just kind of blew me away. I was holding my cat who has a history of eating problems. She regularly eats a whole bunch of dry food then drinks a ton of water, causing her to throw up. While holding her I could feel all of her vertebrae, so I said "Kitty you're so skinny; you're teaching me bad habits by puking up all of your food," to which my dad replied "Is that what you do?" I got all red and of course replied no because I don't. It's not that I find purging overtly disgusting (I've had so many days where I just wanted to purge to make the fullness go away), but I really cannot purge. I've purposely purged only once so I know I can get it all up if I want, but I take birth control pills and I can't risk puking one up and having it screw everything up and getting me preggers. I don't know what's wrong with my dad. I've been eating pretty well since I got back. I lose 15 lbs in 2 months, mostly due to many many hours at the gym, and he automatically thinks I'm starving myself. Hell, at college I eat about 25% of what I eat here and no one has caught on yet. They just say congrats on eating healthier and sticking to the gym and losing so much weight. I guess it's just him caring, but I don't know what he's going to do when I come back in June because I know I'll have lost more weight by then.

Wow, super long post. Sorry about that, I've just had so much going on in the past 12 hours. I'll probably be back later to rehash how my outing and family dinner go. I hope all you lovelies have a great day. =)

♥ Toni

Friday, March 25, 2011

A New Outlook

First off I have a couple of new followers. =)
Thanks Zette and Ariana, I love both of your blogs and I'm really glad you guys are also following mine because you both are great.

So despite an overall weight gain of 2 lbs. over the past 10 days (which is not as bad as I thought it'd be), I'm feeling a bit cheerier since my dizzy spell. I don't know why, maybe it's because I know in two days I'll be back to working out and being able to better control my food. Maybe it's because I know now that I might have something a bit off about me. My parents have been asking me since yesterday morning if I've been eating right and making comments that I may have lost weight a bit too quickly. It's kind of a relief.

...And I'll tell you lovelies a kind of screwed up secret. Since I was a kid, maybe around 8 years old, I've had an odd wish to have something be wrong with me. Like borderline disorder or an extreme phobia or something (which I guess I kind of do; sometimes I get panic attacks over the whole "I'm going to die someday and there's nothing I can do about it" thing: necrophobia, fear of death). I don't know why but I think it's mostly because I wanted to be able to say I wasn't like everyone else, that I was special and had something to overcome. I don't really think like that anymore, but a drive to be better than average, to be abnormal is still there, and now I have this. This eating...thing. And this week has instilled in me a rejuvenated need to reach my goal.

I need to lose 15 lbs in 73 days. I want to be 112 by my birthday: June 6. I want my summer to be filled with hot days where I can wear shorts and tank tops and cute dresses and not worry about myself. I want Aaron to say "Wow!" when I undress for him and I want to be the skinniest one out of all of my friends. 15 lbs in 11 weeks, a pound about every 5 days. I think I can do it.

But before I get back to my old ways I'm going out with a bang. Tomorrow is food, food, food! I'm determined to eat as little as possible but you never know with restaurant food and then big family meals...

And to reinforce my recovered mindset I've grabbed a bunch of new thinspo. Enjoy!

I don't even like Uggs (or anything that looks like them),
but I have to say with legs like those, this girl pulls them off beautifully.

I'm in love with these:

No real theme going on today, I just tried to get a little bit of everything. Legs, abs, arms.

Ok, until next time.

♥ Toni

P.S.- I just remeasured myself the other day because my bras have been a little loose (i.e. I have to adjust the straps and the band until they're at their smallest). I got three bras for $40 in December that were 38C, and my measurements came out to 32C. I'm mad because I just bought them and I'm going to have to buy more soon because they'll be too big, but I'm also happy because it means I'm getting smaller.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Still Feeling Woozy

So everything has been going fine for the most part. I've been eating ok, practically 3 meals a day. And I'm only up to a steady 128 lbs, so I guess when I'm ready I know this is how much I need to eat to maintain, which is a good thing to know.

But this morning just about an hour ago something strange happened. I got up very quickly from my bed to talk to my parents about some plans I made. About 2 minutes in I got lightheaded and dots appeared and I thought "I'll just let it pass. It's just from getting up too fast," but then it continued and my parents started asking if I was dizzy (said yes) and told me to lay on the floor. I couldn't see. My dad asked if I was doing something they should know about (said no, kind of a half truth since I've been eating semi-normally) and asked if this had happened before (said no). When I felt better I got up to get something to eat my mom said my pupils were huge and my face was pale and green. They seemed worried but not overtly...that's expected. I don't know what caused it. It could have been from the fact that I hadn't eaten since 8 last night...but I've done that before with nothing happening like this. I feel like I need a shower. I wish my parents had gone to work. I could have handled it without getting embarrassed because they were there.

And Olivia: Why yes, I am talking about a certain UC you may have been accepted to. I'm a freshman there. Omg I'm really excited you might go there next year! It's such a beautiful campus (but I'm guessing you already know that if you're considering transferring?) and if you choose to be housed on campus you'll probably be going to the same dorm college as me (almost all the transfers are housed there), but I'll be applying to live in the apartments next fall. Ooooo so exciting!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One or the Other

Seems to me like I've finally gotten a bit more depressed than Aaron. Funny, he seems happier. It's like we can't both be happy at the same time. Well at least we're not both really depressed at the same time which is good I guess. At school he's stressed and rushed and busy all the time and all I want is to see him and at least I have something to do and I'm not bored. Here he's happy to be back and grateful for the break and I'm stuck in my house and it's rainy and cold and all I think about is high school and the fact that the novelty of seeing my family wears off in about 30 minutes. And I've gained weight. At least I'm sure I didn't go over 1,200 today. Cereal, bread, ice cream, soup. That's about it.
I feel so claustrophobic here. Summer will be better; it'll be sunny and everyone will be home for summer break and I'll be working and doing something. At least back at school I'm under a lot of pressure but I'm moving, not thinking so much about food and dropping weight fast(ish). My mascot is a slug...and that's exactly how I feel here.

Rant over. Thanks to the lovely ladies who dropped their comments and wished me a happy anniversary. =)
I was looking at Outback's menu for the dinner and was surprised to find that the calorie count wasn't as high as I thought it'd be. I think I can make it on liquids that day until then. I'm very excited for the Bloomin' Onion. One of my faves.

♥ Toni

Monday, March 21, 2011

P.S. - Check Her Out

I almost forgot. Since she's one of my favorite bloggers and I've missed her and she's having to start from almost nothing, go follow Zette's blog (if you aren't already). It's great stuff.

What to do for the rest of the day?

First off, thanks to Olivia and Zette for the comments on my decided plan of action for the week. It was a nice back-to-reality kind of thing where I could step back and say to myself "See, at least other people don't think you're as much of a pig as you do." And a plus? I weighed in at only 126.5 today.

Zette: Holy crap am I glad you're still here. I feel dumb because I was wondering all these weeks where you'd gone and how much I missed your blog and thinspo and reading about your take on life and never thought to click on your profile. Needless to say I'm very glad you're back, not that you'd gone anywhere if I had bothered to pay attention.

So today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. I had terrible heartburn last night that kept me up until 4, but at least when I woke up I felt ok and my day went fairly well. I went to go see Aaron and we took a walk because I was starving (hadn't had anything to eat). I'm too ashamed to say precisely what I ate but I went to get fast food. I haven't done that in probably over a month. Sigh...I've been waiting for the full feeling to subside for hours now and I still have dinner waiting. I can't wait to get back to counting calories and the gym and feeling productive. It's a nice change of pace being home but relaxation is just not suiting me right now.

That's really all I've done today. I've only been up 6 hours and the last two have just been me catching up on other blogs and such. I'm planning a get-together with Aaron and Jenna and our friends from high school that we haven't seen since Christmas. We're going out to dinner then seeing Battle: LA. For Aaron and myself it's kind of our anniversary celebration. I wonder if we can get free dessert if we say that...not that I'm trying to pig out on chocolate cake.

Ok that's the brunt of it. Sorry I haven't been posting much thinspo but I just can't get into the thinspiration spirit knowing how much I'm eating. I hasn't been doing anything for me lately...and that saddens me really.

♥ Toni

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hold on SGD

I just can't do it, at least not for these ten days. I'm surrounded by food, so much food. I'm for sure going out to dinner and the movies and the mall with Aaron and my friends later in the week and I just can't handle trying to get down to something like 300 or 450 calories a day. It's not really even the food, it's the fact that I can't exercise. I'm not about to pay $40 at my old gym to use it for a week, it's rainy as hell so I can't go outside and run, and I'd have to leg lift and crunch and lunge all day to account for all the stuff I've shoved into my mouth. The only realistic solution I see is to restrict as much as I can but not expect myself to eat as little as I have been and then go back to the remainder of my SGD when I get back to university. Until then my only goal is to stay under 129 lbs (good thing I weighed 128.5 with clothes on today). I'll be doing some small exercises here and there, but who knows? Maybe my metabolism will thank me for this and I can lose the few pounds I'm sure I'll be putting off all the faster.

Ok, that's pretty much it. I went out today and felt less depressed and inactive, so I'll hopefully be in a better mood for you all tomorrow.

♥ Toni

Almost forgot to post!

It's been so rainy here. It's depressing. I haven't even thought seriously about what to do with Aaron for our anniversary. We're thinking of going out with some friends to dinner and then to go see Battle: LA. Just something light and fun.

Food today was good. I need to get used to controlling myself around all the cookies and soda and chips. I had some honey nut cheerios and milk for breakfast (140 cal), a cookie (100 cal), and a burrito for dinner (400 cal) for a total of 640 calories, 10 under my goal. I think I'll just try to stick to liquids tomorrow before dinner.

Sorry, this is going to be a really short post. I'm really tired and need to catch up on my sleep.

Have a great night everyone!
♥ Toni

Friday, March 18, 2011

Rainy Friday

So for the first time in about a month I slept in until 12:30. It's good to be back home. I'm currently sipping green tea and watching a Harry Potter marathon. I weighed in at 126.5 lbs this morning, but I suspect a good pound or two of that is from the food in my system still digesting. Hmm...well there's not much to report. It's raining and I'm trying to avoid food until dinner. Doable.

On another note Olivia Lee nominated me for the "Versatile Blogger" Award. She's so sweet and I'm surprised she picked me for this. I feel like I haven't been around long enough to get an award of any kind, but that's just me trying to be a perfectionist I suppose. And then there's all of you lovely ladies who follow and read me. I think if I didn't know you guys were there I wouldn't be trying as hard. I'd probably let myself go, stray from my goals and such. You all keep me in check because I don't want to report in any weaknesses for the world to read, to let you know I've been bad.

So the rules are:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

So, seven things about myself (that I hope I haven't previously spilled):
1. As a film major, I feel like this one is a no-brainer. My top five favorite films are Inception, Mean Girls, The Shawshank Redemption, American Beauty, and Titanic. I have an attraction to Oscar-winning films.
2. On the same token, my top five favorite TV shows are Lost, Skins (UK), The Office (US), Gossip Girl, and Law&Order: SVU. I'm into all that drama stuff.
3. I have the genes of an alcoholic (I'm a mix of Irish, German, and Mexican), and I probably would have a love of the stuff if I didn't absolutely hate the taste. I've tried beer, wine, rum, wine coolers, vodka, gin, all that stuff. The only thing I can think of that I'd like is champagne, but I haven't had it in years so I don't know.
4. I've been working on being less judgemental for years, but I find it really hard with the amount of ignorance in the world.
5. I really wish I were just a few inches taller. 5'3" would be my dream height. I'm 5'0", meaning if I gain 5 lbs it looks like I've actually gained 10.
6. I'm one of those people who always has to be doing something. Like last night when I was thinking about going home I was going over whether or not I would have something to be doing, like scholarship stuff or anything for school. I don't like being bored. It makes me feel lazy, and lazy = fat.
7. I hate being awkward, but sometimes I can't help it. I babble or mix up my words or say something other people don't understand. I emulate the people I see who know exactly what to say at the right time.

Alright so there are a few girlies who I'd like to highlight:
Charl, Thin_EnvyNess, Christy, and Leech. I'd have more but so many girls have already gotten the award! Seriously, these bloggers all help me keep going just as much as all of you. I connect to them all differently and root for them and look up to them. All you bloggers and followers keep me strong!

Alright, I'll keep you all up to date on the rest of the day. Have a great Friday. =)

♥ Toni


Ok, food was a lot better than I thought it would be. SGD says I'm allowed 450 calories today so I tried to fast until dinner. I succeeded for the most part except for the fact that my mom had me try a cracker and some brie cheese (35 cal). But besides that I held out until dinner. I had 1/4 cup of cooked green beans (20 cal), 10 spears of grilled asparagus (40 cal), and a grilled chicken thigh without the skin (120 cal) for a total of 215 calories, so I decided I could have one of my mom's "healthy" chocolate chip cookies. They're actually pretty good. She used egg whites, wheat flour, and carob chips, plus they're chewy and about 100 calories a cookie, so my total is 315 calories for the day.

Aaaaand Aaron's been giving me a lot of compliments on my new, smaller physique, which is really motivating. I can actually start to see the changes now, and after I'd fasted all day I weighed myself and it came out to 25.6, only .3 lbs more than yesterday. Thank God last night's pigging only put on that much. I can't wait until I get to 112!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's St. Patrick's Day, but that doesn't matter to me because...'s also my anniversary today. =)
Two years strong and always a reminder that we got together on a holiday. haha

Well I'm just in to report the goings on of this morning. In preparation for going home today I had a light breakfast and workout. 1/2 english muffin with butter (80 cal), 1/2 slice of pumpkin bread (90 cal), and 1 oz of chorizo (125 cal) for a total of 295 calories. Then I went to the gym. I was planning on burning at least 500 calories, but I had almost zero energy, so I ended up only burning 355. Oh well. With the calories burned I have 560 left to eat for tonight. Oh and my weigh-in was at 125.30 lbs. So close to Goal #4!

As of yet I have no clue how Aaron and I will be celebrating our two year mark. I've decided not to plan anything because whenever I plan something Aaron flakes or holds us up or something like that, so I told him to organize it this year. Besides, I did it last year, might as well switch off.

Alright, I'll be back later to fill all you ladies in on my happenings tonight. Have a Happy St. Patricks day.

So I'm sure I've eaten at least 700 calories since I've been back home. Chips, spinach dip, soda, pepperoni, pretzels, a BLT. Damn. At least I told myself I could have this one day since I got below 127 lbs before coming home. Tomorrow it's back to the SGD regimen. I think I'll just give myself a pass on today and move it to the end of the 30 days. Eh.

It was nice to see my family today. I told my mom I'd be home Saturday so when I showed up at the door she started crying because she was so happy to see me. It was nice to be welcomed, they even said I looked like I was in better shape. =)

Ok everyone, have a great night! Sending you all happy thought for tomorrow.

♥ Toni

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


^^^It's the word of the day, since today was full of it. With yesterday's success all I could think about today was food (and more importantly how I would keep myself from eating more than 400 calories of it). I succeeded, but it was everywhere! Especially at dinner time.

I've been keeping busy with things like my last final for the quarter (which was the easiest thing I've ever taken; I finished before 90% of the class with another 2 hours left). I've also been preparing to go home and reading. But with all that I'm still surprised I kept my intake under my allowed calories for the day.

Breakfast was the usual half bagel with butter (100 cal) and a serving of cinnamon toast crunch with 3 oz of 2% (175 cal) which totaled 275 calories. Dinner was harder. Everything looked good. Chow mien, a taqueria, pizza, caramel and ice cream (or apples, or cookie, or bananas...), barbecue chicken, banana cream pudding. I could go on and on. But alas, I settled on a dark-leaf lettuce and spinach salad with veggies and 2 tbsp of ceasar dressing (105 cal) and raspberry tea. Good girl, Toni. My accumulated total for the day ended up being 380 calories, 20 under my goal. Phew.

Tomorrow I'm planning on working out in the morning to kick start my travels home. I'm riding home with Aaron and his dad and I have no idea if they're going to stop for dinner, plus if they don't I have no clue what my family intends to have for dinner, so I'm trying to be safe. 750 seems like a good number to burn. And on the topic of going home I feel like next week may see a lot of red numbers on my SGD Progression page. I'm going to have to find some way (especially on really low cal days) to avoid food until dinner. Easy enough, my parents both work most of the day and my sister will still be in school. I'm just dreading how close all the food is going to be!

Alright so that's my rant for the day. You guys will no doubt be keeping my hungers at bay for the most part this next week. I don't want to log on to tell you all I've failed for even one day!

♥ Toni

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Goal Weight #3 Reached!

Alright...get ready for it...I have good news.

I got on the scale after my workout today and...127.0 lbs!!! Areyoufuckingkiddingme?! I was over the moon with happiness. I kept thinking "There's no way I'll be down 4 pounds. Maybe I'll be 129 at best. I'll be happy with 130 even," but no, 127! I'm "normal" again, 24.8 BMI. It was truly a great day.

Besides that I had my film final which I think I did ok on plus had really good workout. I burned 655 calories and my limit today for SGD is 300, so I'm doing really well.

Breakfast was just a serving of cinnamon toast crunch with 2 oz of 2% (160 cal), 2 pieces of pineapple (50 cal), and half a bagel with butter (100 cal) for a total of 310 calories. Dinner was 3 oz. of lamb (225), a piece of roasted potato (30 cal), a cup of zucchini (45 cal), and 4 oz of root beer (50) for a total of 350 calories. I ended burning almost all of it off at the gym and my grand total for today (although it may or may not change depending on later tonight) is 5 calories. That's 295 calories under my limit and I may just keep it that way. I know some friends will be eating after their finals later, so I'll keep you posted on my intake if it changes.

I finished Wasted. The ending was a bit abrupt and I got really scared when I got to the part where Marya reached fifty-five pounds, but overall it was one of the best books I've read in a while. I highly recommend it even for those who are just looking for a good book to read for leisure, not necessarily eating disorders or anything like that.

Alright so in celebration for today and as a hearty good-bye to winter I have some thinspo to share!

Ok, that's all I have for today. I hope your day has been just as good as mine! And if not I'm sending you lots of good thoughts.
♥ Toni

Monday, March 14, 2011

2 Hours

^^^That's how much sleep I got last night, er...this morning. For the life of me I could not fall asleep. I went to bed at 3 fully intending to wake up at 10, eat breakfast, and go to the gym, but of course now those plans are dashed. I'll just try really hard to naturally keep things under 400 calories today. I don't even know what happened. I just closed my eyes and could not keep myself from staying awake. I finally took a nap from 8-10 am, although by that time my roommates were getting up and their alarms were going off. What's wrong with me?

Well seeing as I still have the whole day ahead of me I'll be updating this later with the remainder of my meals, but so far all I've had was a cup of earl grey and a cup of coffee with a tbsp of half and half (20 cal; gotta keep awake as best as I can) and an apple with a swiss cheese packet (90 cal) for a breakfast total of 110 calories. I think filling myself on liquids will help. I told my friend I'd eat with her at 10 am but then contemplated waiting as long as possible to start eating but then decided I needed to wake up. So I ate. I'll be clocking in later with the rest of my day. I hope all of yours go better than mine!

So all I've been doing is laundry and studying! Took a quick break for dinner around 6 and had 5 oz. of vegetable soup (50 cal), 12 baby carrots (40 cal) and a serving of raisin bran (minus the raisins) with 3 oz. of 2% milk (160 cal) for a dinner total of 250 calories and grand total of 360 calories. 40 under goal.

Sorry I'm going to have to cut this post short but with still only 2 hours of sleep under my belt I'm going to have to go to bed, I'm so tired! Gah!

♥ Toni

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A few rays of light in an otherwise depressing day

Oh today was not a very good day. Besides it being just downright blase I was hit with a few blows:

First off Aaron and I had a looong discussion about our relationship today. We're actually still discussing it via text as I write this. We're not happy, he's depressed, I'm angry, we fight, or we don't speak, and now I have the addition of this lovely set of distorted eating habits (although he still doesn't know about them) to get in the way of us.

Second, a person pulled out of our living arrangements for next year and the remaining 5 of us have to scramble to find someone who's willing to live in an apartment with four girls and one guy next year. I also stayed up until 6:30 am (spring forward, if it weren't for that I'd be asleep by 5:30) and got minimal sleep. It's Wasted's fault. It's too good.

One up side that I'm still not sure how I feel about: people have been commenting on my weight again, congratulating me on sticking to my gym plan and gushing about how much weight I've lost since the beginning of the school year. All I can do is say that awkward "thanks." You know, the kind that should say you're proud someone has taken notice but really you still feel like it's undeserved. It's nice to be noticed by people, but of course I won't let it permit me to eat a little more. I still feel like I have so much farther to go.

Food was under goal even without going to the gym (I was dead tired). I really only ate breakfast today. I had 2/3 of a breakfast burrito (555 calories total! but I ended up with only 370 because I didn't eat it all) and a chocolate chip cookie (120 cal) for a total of 490 calories. other than that all I've had is 2 mini cheese rice cakes (15 cal), a bagel crisp (20 cal), and a Risen (40 cal) for a grand total of 565 calories. 85 under goal, mini celebration.

I will go to the gym tomorrow. I'll be asleep by 2, wake up at 9:30, and leave by 11. I'm hoping to maybe, finally, after almost 2 years, break the 130's. 129.9, that's all I'm asking for. I need to lose as much weight as possible before spring break, because without the gym and my lack of will to get outside and run, I have the feeling I'll be going over my SGD limits.

I promise I'm reading all of your blogs. To be honest I'm way too down to offer any good advice. I can't even take my own damn compliments. All I have time for from here until Tuesday is gym, studying and this blog. Finals, finals, finals. Distractions from all the negativity I don't want to deal with. I'm sorry I'm being so depressing. I hope it doesn't get anyone too down. I'm just having a really crappy start to my week. =/


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Homework, Movies, Books...Typical Saturday

So my roommate's having kind of a mini meltdown about this afterparty she's going to. She feels fat because she's on her period and some of her friends and I have been trying to get her into various outfits with no luck. At this point she's gone through maybe 6 or 7 different outfits. Sweaters, jeans, dresses, leggings, heels, flats. She's decided on dark blue jeans and an Adidas hoodie. I'm expecting her to change one or two more times. Just something interesting I thought I'd share.

My day has been uneventful for the most part. I woke up around 11:30 and had barely anything for breakfast before starting on some homework. Then around 5 I headed off for another film shoot, the one my RA is the director of. I did some audio but for the most part I wasn't needed and got to curl up with Wasted. Then around 8 I ate dinner with Aaron and came back here. Typical day. Tomorrow I'm pretty sure I'll be going to the gym.

So breakfast today consisted of 5 mini cheddar rice cakes (40 cal) and a wedge of swiss cheese with 3 bagel crisps (100 cal) for a total of 140 calories. I have no clue how that tied me over from noon until 8:30, but it did (although I did start to get hunger growls and pangs). Dinner was a cup of spaghetti with 1/4 cup tomato sauce (215 cal), a half piece of garlic bread (85 cal), 10 carrot sticks with mustard (I thought I'd try it; I'll stick to just the plain carrots - 35 cal), and a frozen yogurt swirl of strawberry and orange in a sugar cone (140 cal) for a dinner total of 475 calories and a grand total of 615 calories, 35 under my goal for today. Huzzah!

So I was thinking about my mom earlier today. We're almost exactly the same height (I'm maybe 1/2 inch taller than her) but I know I'm much bigger than she was when she was 18. I've seen pictures and was very petite, nit just in height but in weight as well, so I asked her what she weighed when she was my age. 98 lbs! She was tiny. In comparison I'm 33 lbs. heavier than her when she was my age. Sigh... Trust me though, she eats, and she ate back then, she just had a super fast metabolism. After having two kids though...well let's just say she weighs more than I did at my highest. She's trying to get her weight down though, and good for her for wanting to. If I used to be as thin as she was I'd want to be thinner too. But if she was that small I know I can definitely get down to my UGW, and maybe even a little less. We can all do it!

I believe in you all,
♥ Toni

P.S. - Thank you for the comments on my late-night ramble. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in some of my self-reflecting craziness.

I Wonder...

I wonder if I'm trying so hard to become thin because of what I've lost since coming to college. I've lost so much of the identity and everyday experiences I had in high school. Here there is no friday night football (we're not big on sports), no emphasis on sorority life (not much of a greek system either). I don't have pictures of myself in a cute dress among a dozen other girls in cute dresses ready for the monthly formal. And even though I outwardly detest things like that, cliquey things, it's secretly what I want. I basically chose a school that is the farthest removed from what my teenage experience was. No one here knows I was one of the best dancers on my dance team or that I was fairly decent at playing the clarinet - second only to one of my closest friends. I wonder when I take the music and dance classes I'm enrolled in next quarter if I won't put as much effort into this: this blog, my weight, trying to be good at something. It's unlikely, but I wonder.

It's not to say I'm not content with where I am. I'd rather be here with at least some of the people I knew before college than be in a place more like high school but with people I don't know. I just wonder if I'm feeling this way what Aaron must feel like. He basically just followed me here because it was the school we both got into. Well, it was one of the only schools he got into. He's very bright though, much smarter than me when it comes to math and science. I know he misses his friends though, and I miss mine.

In fact out of all of my closest friends I only stay in touch with one of them. That's better than most people but sometimes I naively wish I had everyone (and I mean everyone; friends, enemies, acquaintances) I grew up with here with me in this giant place, far enough removed to have my own life but close enough to see how they're doing. Instead I get Facebook updates and the knowledge that in five years' time will be the only time we'll all be in one place again for a "reunion." As if one night is really enough time to see how all the clique dynamics have changed and where everyone is in their lives. But this is life, things change, people move on. It's something I don't like acknowledging or thinking about. When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like at 18. I'm scared of growing up, that's what I'm like. I don't want to be adult, I don't even really want to be living on my own. The last week of summer vacation before I came to college I wondered what it would be like if I just stayed home and lived with my parents for another couple of years. Of course I wasn't serious and it would hinder the career I want but I liked my life. I liked my home, my school, my town. It was nice.

Ok it's really late and thank you to whoever made it this far down. I don't know why I get these urges to write absurdly long paragraphs about my reflections on life. I guess I'm just tired of them being stuck in my head.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Regular Day

Finally the weekend. My gym time was much needed, my intake was good, I have most of my living situation figured out for next year, so it was a good day. My weigh-in today was at 131. I was hoping for 130 but this was good for how much food and water was in my system at the time. Only 2 lbs until my next goal and 3.3 lbs until I get back into the "normal" weight range for my height (127.7 lbs).

Emma and Olivia: I'm sorry, I don't know the recipe for the chili. =(
It's labeled "Stockpot Vegan Chili" in the dining halls at my university so I think they just make a whole bunch and store it in the freezer to keep on hand. The nutrition info is provided though so next time I see it I'll see if they have the ingredients listed, promise. It's mostly stuff like beans, broccoli and cauliflower, some sort of mild pepper, carrots, and other veggies. I only had 5 oz. which is why the calorie count was only 55. 8 oz. is somewhere around 90.

Today I did well food-wise. Breakfast was a bagel crisp with a swiss cheese triangle (55 cal) and a gogurt (70 cal) for a total of 125 calories. Lunch was 1/4 of a cup of shepherd's pie (100 cal), 1/2 cup of cheese tortellini with marinara sauce (200 cal), a sugar cookie (120 cal), and a small piece of peach crisp with whipped cream (155 cal) for a total of 575 calories. And for dinner I had marinated veggies and turkey salad (150 cal) and a small plate of nachos (225 cal) plus this marshmallow candy thing (30 cal) for a total of 405 calories. Minus the 680 I worked off at the gym and it comes to 425 calories, 25 under my goal. Good day.

On a different note I haven't been reading as much of Wasted as I've been wanting to because of studying and homework. Plus I still have Going Hungry that I haven't started. Ugh hopefully I'll get around to them soon.

Ok thinspo time. It's been a few days and I know we all enjoy a little motivation. So here's the outfits-I-hope-I-look-as-good-in-as-these-girls-when-I'm-thin bunch:

Boots that hit the mid calf = unflattering on most body types, except thin.

I'm still waiting to wear the half dozen or so
knee-high socks I have in my drawers. I keep
buying them knowing that my legs look terrible in them. =/

Oh how I long for the day I can wear a
body-hugging dress and not feel fat.

A dash of Frieda Rose:

Shorts and high tops? Not so good on a short, chubby-legged girl.

Body-hugging dress and high tops? One day, one day...

Alright so there you have it, my dream closet. I hope everybody has had a good week and is ready for a great weekend!

♥ Toni

Before Gym

Alright this one's gotta be quick because I'm off to the gym soon.

First off thank you all who have been wishing me well with school and dieting and such, it means a lot. =)
And welcome to my new followers! =)

Last night I kept under my goal of 500. For lunch I had a bowl of vegan chili (55 cal), a medium banana (90 cal), and a serving of frosted flakes with 2% milk (170 cal) for a total of 315 calories. For dinner I had 1.5 oz of flank steak (80 cal), 3/4 cup of cooked zucchini (40 cal) and a medium salad with 1 tbsp of cesar dressing (40 cal) for a dinner total of 160 calories and a grand total of 475 calories.

I also finished up my essay and turned it in last night in my discussion. Afterwards I went back to the dorms and some of my friends and I watched Never Let Me Go. Such a sad made a lot of us (myself included!) cry. If you're into the whole love/melodrama/cloned-humans-who-live-to-donate-organs films then this one is perfect for you. It stars Carrey Mulligan, Keira Knightly, and Andrew Garfield (new Spider Man!).

Alright besides that not much went on last night. Oh! Except I made a trip to Safeway to buy some snacks for finals week. I spent ages trying to find things that looked tasty but were low-cal. It's was insanely hard for me. I ended up getting an 8-pack of Laughing Cow cheese triangles (35 calories/serving), 2 bags of mini cheese rice cakes (70 calories/9 cakes), a package of bagel crisps (130 calories/6 crisps), and Risens (approx 40 cal/piece). Not bad if I don't say so myself.

Ok gotta head off and do some cardio! I'll be back later.

♥ Toni

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Finals Week is Right Around the Corner

So for some reason I'm super excited about finals week. I'm done with one of my classes so all I have to worry about now is finishing up my essay (which I will totally get straight to work on after this post), studying for my film final, doing my philosophy homework, and taking my philosophy final (not much of a need to study because I could get a C on it and still pass the class with an A). Plus I have some articles to read and movies to watch, but the weekend has a whole 48 hours in it. After next week there's spring break and I get to go home and see my family, and then Spring Quarter!

Olivia: No I don't go to a music school. I once wanted to apply to Juilliard until I found out I wanted to make films for the rest of my life, not music. I go to a UC, which is a California University. There's something like 9 or 10 different ones like UC Irvine or UC Berkeley or UC San Diego.

Food was right on track today. I skipped breakfast and had lunch around noon. I had a medium salad with minimal ranch dressing (95 cal), 1/2 of a bagel with butter (90 cal), and a couple spoonfuls of coconut/chocolate frozen yogurt (30 cal) for a total of 215 calories. For dinner I had 6 oz. of tomato, potato, and basil soup (120 cal) and 3/4 of a small fish patty (for slider sandwiches; 55 cal) for a total of 175 calories and a grand total of 390 calories for the day, 10 under my goal. =)

I'm really excited to see how I progress through the SGD. I literally cannot wait to hit the 127.5 lb mark. It's the maximum weight for my height (5'0") to be in the "normal" BMI range of 18.5-24.9, and at that weight I'm right at 24.9. I can't remember the last time I was in the 120's, probably sometime in my sophomore year of high school. What's crazy is that even though I weighed so much less when I was a freshman (I was at my lowest = 118 lbs), I feel like I look thinner now (or maybe just more proportional, although still chunky). Aaron agrees with me. It might be the muscle I have now from the years in dance or just weight distribution. I don't even know, but I'm a little anxious to see what I'm going to look like once I hit that weight again.

Haha sorry for the little weight ramble, I'm just a tad over ecited for the months to come.

♥ Toni

P.S.-I'll be sure to put up more thinspo soon!

Bad day...then extremely good day!

To be honest I'm kind of pissed at myself right now...but also really happy. Is that weird?

I went over on my allotted calories for the day by thismuch. I had a decent lunch, went to the gym, and ok dinner and then...1/2 of a hot dog when I went to late night with my friends. That hot dog fucked me up. I thought I had burned enough calories to be safe but I was wrong. Lunch was most of a fish slider with 1/2 tbsp of tartar sauce (200 cal), 3 bites of cooked green beans (15 cal), 3/4 of a cup of plain tuna with 4 saltine crackers (130 cal), 1 orange (60 cal), and 15 small french fries (90 cal) for a total of 495 calories. I then went to the gym and burned off 770 calories and had dinner around five-ish. I had a half cup of zucchini (20 cal), 1 oz of turkey no skin (40 cal), five pieces of California roll with soy sauce and ginger (115 cal), 1/2 cup of mashed sweet potatoes (75 cal) a few bites of "dessert pizza" (50 cal), a piece of chocolate (45 cal) and a super tiny piece of apple pie (185 cal). Then count in that damn half a hot dog for 75 calories and you get for a total of 605 calories. Add in gym and it comes to a grand total of 330 calories. Damn. I really wanted to be at or under today's goal. It just means I'll have to eat 20 calories less tomorrow. It's doable.

But enough about that, I'm really excited for next quarter! I just finalized my spring quarter schedule and it's looking pretty good right now. I'm signed up for a movie music class (that I'm taking with my roommates and my really good friend Liz), a literary interpretation class (that I'm taking with my best friend), a computer game design course (that I'm taking with my boyfriend), a modern dance class (I miss dancing so much), and hopefully I'll get into the university wind ensemble (you have to try out to get in). Did I ever tell you guys I danced and played music? Well if I did I'm gonna say it again. ^_^ I was on my high school's dance team for three years and really loved it. I lived it day to day but I haven't danced in a year since we got done with nationals last April. =/ I also played clarinet from 5th grade to 12th grade and I'm eager to see if I still have my chops.

I'm so excited for the weeks to come! I hope all of you are feeling as great as I am. If not I hope I'm getting my positive energy out there for you all.

♥ Toni

Monday, March 7, 2011

SGD Day One Success

I did it. There haven't been many days where my intake was less than 500 without workout, but I did it. Day 1 of the Skinny Girl Diet is a success!

Breakfast was half a pumpkin pancake with a few dollops of syrup (100 cal) and 2 oz of zucchini bread with a smidgen of butter (195 cal) for a total of 295 calories. Dinner was very early tonight because I had it right after my film class around 5 ish. I had 5 oz of sausage bean soup (50 cal) and a small cup (super small) of chocolate/coconut frozen yogurt which I didn't finish (45 cal) for a total of 95 calories, bringing my total for the day to 390 calories. Yay! And to dissuade the hunger I have copious amount of tea in my room. I just need to get around to washing some cups...

Anyway not much else to report. I still have that paper three days! Yeah gotta get on that.

♥ Toni

Quick Update

This post is going to be minimal. Just wanted to talk briefly about a few things:

I'm at 20 followers! Logging on and seeing that people are actually reading this thing never fails to lift my spirits. Thank you all. ^_^

And I wanted to let you all know I added a few tabs. The first one is the standard Home tab, and I created a second for SGD Progression since I'm starting the SGD today. A lot of girls are doing it and I'm seeing some great results and I really want to get to 127 lbs before spring break (and hopefully my UGW by my birthday in 3 months). I'll still be laying out my calorie consumption in my regular posts but I'll be keeping my calorie-counting all in one place from now on plus my weigh-ins at the gym.

Wish me luck!

♥ Toni

P.S. - Olivia: I'm writing my essay on the 1978 Phillip Kaufman version. It's on Netflix Instant Play so it's easy for me to watch over and over again. Plus I love Jeff Goldblum. The Fly = insanely amazing.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Rainy Little Weekend

I thought about waiting until tomorrow to write another post - homework and such that needs to be done - but I've been in a procrastinating mood for the past four hours or so and thought I'd ramble about my day. =)

First off it's been raining all day. Bummer...I had to walk to the library to get some books for my essay on Invasion of the Body Snatchers and it was not fun. Other than that I've been in the dorm building all day (save for meal times) doing laundry, taking a shower, reading, pretty much anything that's not writing my essay, although I did open one of the books I checked out to gather source material. Such an exciting day right?

Food intake wasn't bad for not going to the gym. I had half a bagel with butter (100 cal), 5 small slices of cantaloupe (45 cal), and a serving of cinnamon toasters cereal with 2% milk (190 cal) for breakfast. Total: 335 calories. Lunch was skipped and by dinner my stomach was growling pretty loudly, but the food sucked. I ended up with two small cooked potatoes, you know, those pink-ish kind (105 cal), 12 snow peas sauteed in some sweet/spicy sauce (50 cal), 1/4 of a cup of egg salad (75 cal), 1/4 of a cup of tuna salad (60 cal), a few pieces of celery that amounted to maybe 3 calories tops, and half a slice of french bread (35 cal). Dinner total: 325 calories. Grand total: 660 calories. Not...bad. I wish I could have gone to the gym though and gotten it down to something like 150. Oh well, I'll have to wait until Tuesday.

Ok I know I've been lacking in thinspo, so here's my latest bundle:

In one of my recent posts I was talking about how I loved chunky sweater thinspo and how I was going to buy one once I reach my goal weight, so I'm posting these for motivation. =)

♥ Toni

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Eating like a "normal person," why why why?

Alright so I haven't posted in a few days so I was quite surprised to see two new followers! Welcome, I very much enjoy your company. Feel free to message me or comment any time. (^-^)

The past few days have been alright. I totally fucked up on any remote fast I thought I would have. Thursday was ok, yesterday was terrible. On Thursday I had a cup of fruit salad, a cup of sauteed zucchini, a slices of cantaloupe, and one potato wedge which all came to 265 calories. Dinner was a bit worse. Aaron and I stopped my his dorm's dining hall to find a diner-inspired college night. I tried to keep it light but ended up with 6 bites of chicken pot pie, 2 oz of mac-n-cheese, 2.5 oz of "milkshake" (really just chocolate frozen yogurt; the texture was horrible), a chicken tender with ranch dressing and a piece of apple pie which accumulated to around 650 calories. But I burned 600 at the gym (135.25 lb weigh-in, gah!) for a grand total of 315 calories. Meh, not terrible.

Yesterday I decided to start my day off with half of a belgian waffle with 3 tbsp of syrup and a pat of butter (350 cal), 5 oz of orange juice (65 cal) for a breakfast total of 415 calories. I didn't want to eat lunch because I was going out to sushi for my friend Jenna's birthday, but I ended up having a small salad with ranch (120 cal), an ciabatta roll (170), and 2 chocolate chip cookies (180 cal) for a lunch total of 470 calories. This plus the 400 calorie sushi roll I had for dinner and the alcohol/chasers I had last night and the misc food I had as a result of smoking weed, which comes to 875 calories! WTF?! Even with the 765 calories I burned at the gym it comes to a total of 1395 calories. Holycrapshootmenow. I'm sure the 2 lbs I lost at my weigh-in yesterday (133 lbs) are going to be fucked up because of last night. Ugh I don't even like alcohol. The taste is disgusting.

I'm totally done for the day. I've already had 12 oz of cranberry juice, a cup of hot coco, and breakfast burrito which is 630 calories. No more anything for me today except water. I need to get to my next goal weight asap.

A few things have happened to me over the last week that I keep forgetting to jot down here. The first is that I've started to get compliments on my fading figure. About a week ago I asked my best friend (the one that I went to sushi with) if it looks like I've lost any weight. She said she wasn't sure but said it was mostly because I've been wearing loose clothing. The next day she said I looked thinner than I was a few months ago, which I took as the friend-being-a-friend-and-giving-compliments thing, but I know she's sincere. A few days ago though another friends of mine out of the blue said I looked a lot thinner and two nights ago when my boyfriend and I were getting down to nookie time he said I looked better than the last time we had sex. Of course to all of these comments I say thank you politely but inside I think "No, I still have 20 lbs to go! Can't you see all this weight I still need to lose?" Of course I can't say that, but it's what I've been thinking lately. I'm halfway to my goal but all I can think about is how I'm going to get to that elusive 112 lbs. Sigh...

Also, even though I'm only in chapter two, Wasted so far has been pretty freaking good. I've never read a memoir about an eating disorder and it's pretty freaky to see some of the similarities between Marya and myself. Olivia: it's a good read. You should definitely check it out.

Ok I'm sorry to keep rambling on. Hopefully next post will be minimal personal/food stuff and mostly thinspo, and I know we all enjoy that. =)

♥ Toni