I Wonder...

I wonder if I'm trying so hard to become thin because of what I've lost since coming to college. I've lost so much of the identity and everyday experiences I had in high school. Here there is no friday night football (we're not big on sports), no emphasis on sorority life (not much of a greek system either). I don't have pictures of myself in a cute dress among a dozen other girls in cute dresses ready for the monthly formal. And even though I outwardly detest things like that, cliquey things, it's secretly what I want. I basically chose a school that is the farthest removed from what my teenage experience was. No one here knows I was one of the best dancers on my dance team or that I was fairly decent at playing the clarinet - second only to one of my closest friends. I wonder when I take the music and dance classes I'm enrolled in next quarter if I won't put as much effort into this: this blog, my weight, trying to be good at something. It's unlikely, but I wonder.

It's not to say I'm not content with where I am. I'd rather be here with at least some of the people I knew before college than be in a place more like high school but with people I don't know. I just wonder if I'm feeling this way what Aaron must feel like. He basically just followed me here because it was the school we both got into. Well, it was one of the only schools he got into. He's very bright though, much smarter than me when it comes to math and science. I know he misses his friends though, and I miss mine.

In fact out of all of my closest friends I only stay in touch with one of them. That's better than most people but sometimes I naively wish I had everyone (and I mean everyone; friends, enemies, acquaintances) I grew up with here with me in this giant place, far enough removed to have my own life but close enough to see how they're doing. Instead I get Facebook updates and the knowledge that in five years' time will be the only time we'll all be in one place again for a "reunion." As if one night is really enough time to see how all the clique dynamics have changed and where everyone is in their lives. But this is life, things change, people move on. It's something I don't like acknowledging or thinking about. When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like at 18. I'm scared of growing up, that's what I'm like. I don't want to be adult, I don't even really want to be living on my own. The last week of summer vacation before I came to college I wondered what it would be like if I just stayed home and lived with my parents for another couple of years. Of course I wasn't serious and it would hinder the career I want but I liked my life. I liked my home, my school, my town. It was nice.

Ok it's really late and thank you to whoever made it this far down. I don't know why I get these urges to write absurdly long paragraphs about my reflections on life. I guess I'm just tired of them being stuck in my head.