Tuesday, June 28, 2011

This is not how I expected my summer to go. Someone please save me.

I haven't been sticking to the SGD. I haven't even been counting calories. I'm just eating and if I eat too much and gain weight I eat less, so my weight has stayed at about 122 lbs. Yesterday it was up to 125.5. I suppose it's weight fluctuations but I still feel horrible about the fact that I haven't lost any permanent weight in over a month. I. better. not. be. plateauing. Fuck.

I guess this would be good...if I didn't want to lose another 10 lbs. I want to be thinner, not weigh the same all summer. I just keep eating. It's so hard to resist at home where my parents are watching me all the time. But I work from noon to 8:30 tomorrow so I think I'll just stick to water. I want to be 120 by the end of the week.

If I had to guess I'd say I had maybe 1,200 calories today. Not good enough. It doesn't help that it was raining all day so I couldn't go outside and jog. I did some exercises in my room but they were mostly muscle building exercises, not the cardio I need to do to burn this fat off.

It's only 10pm and I'm already tired. I got 8 hours of sleep last night but I guess this past sleep-deprived week is catching up to me. I'm already tired of summer being more busy than the school year. This is not how my break was supposed to go, and when dance classes start up again next week my days will be even more packed. Great...

I hope I have better news for you all tomorrow (if I post, sorry I've been lagging in that department). I hope I'm not getting depressed, that's the last thing I need right now. Thank goodness for Daniel Tosh. He's one funny man. And not too bad on the eyes either. ;)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I've Had No Time

These past two days have been so full I've had no time to post. Surprise surprise they've also been filled with food. I'll definitely have to come back and fill you all in but here the gist of it:

Thursday: work and then all day movie day with Jenna. Went to see Bridesmaids and Cars 2 and ate a lot.
Friday: work and then start of summer party. There's weren't a on of people, just 15 or so of some close friends from high school. Surprisingly no one said anything about my weight loss, although I continue to get compliments at the theater I work at. This just means I have to work even harder to lose more weight so my friends notice and say something about it.
Saturday: work and Relay For Life. I didn't eat too much. Still over the SGD limit but I burned off over 600 calories in my RFL 3-hour shift. Also the schedule came in for the dance studio that's right by my house, so I'm very excited to start taking classes. Now I just need to get paaaaaaaaaaaaid.
Today: visiting Aaron. We're going to the mall where he lives (it's really nice) and just hanging out for the day. I won't be home until midnight so the next time I post might be tomorrow?

I'll have to catch you all up on this weekend. I'm sorry I've had so little time with you all the past few days. I've caught up on all of your blogs though, so I'm in the know. =)

And I'm now up to 72 followers. Thanks K, Jen, and alexmills96 for joining. And welcome back Scarlett, I see you got past that blog bug. ^_^

Ok, I'll be back later,
♥ Toni

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Past

Ok I could not help posting about this. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I Facebook stalk people from my childhood? Oh...well yeah I do that sometimes. And it's so interesting to see what people have been doing.

There's this one girl in particular...we went to the same church and I remember the guy I liked had a crush on her and she was cute and thin and we interacted a lot because we were all the same age and...I know this is mean and I wouldn't say this if I wasn't so taken aback with it all but she's big. Like, biiiiiig. And I'm not sure if I should do this but I had to show you guys. You don't even know how shocked I was because she was the girl all the guys had a crush on. And well...

I'm in the front 2nd from the left with the huge chunky legs.
I'd say this was taken when I was in the 8th grade, so I was 13. It's a church group. She's putting her arm around the girl in the white hoodie.
And here she is again in green. 

And then I saw some recent pictures.

She's on the right.

And again on the right.

Please tell me some of you know what I'm talking about? You know, there's that one super popular girl in school or at work or on your sports team or whatever who you always envied, and then you see them after years apart and they look so different?

Like there's this other girl Kaitlyn who just relentlessly picked on me in the fourth grade and almost ruined the whole year for me. She convinced all the other girls not to play with me and this one girl, Ashley, that I tried all year to convince to be my friend was best friends with her so...you can imagine it took a long time to get her to like me. She even told a teacher that I said I wanted to shoot her. She was just a bitch. And then after I switched schools across town in fifth grade (unrelated to Kaitlyn and her teasing) I found out no one wanted to be her friend. In the sixth grade the city throws 3 dances a year for all the sixth graders in town (there was something like 8 elementary schools back then) and I saw her at one of them once. She got fat...and then she moved out of the state and now she's dating another girl. Not like I think that's bad, it's just weird to see how people end up, you know?

Boy, I can't wait to see how I react to my high school reunions. I'm going to flip my shit at those or something if I get all excited over little stuff like this already.

Ok, goodnight. I won't make you read the crazy little rants I spew about my childhood anymore.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tired, tan, and thinner(ish).

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was too upset. My dad and I got into a dumb fight over walking home from Dollar Scoop with my sister and I was just pissed off for most of the night. Plus I went over my calorie limit, but that's kind of assumed when it's a 300 calorie day. I totaled 530 calories, 230 over the limit. Oh well.

Today I was better. Breakfast was a laughing cow cheese wedge and 10 almonds (105 cal). And then I didn't eat again until after I came home from my parents' farm and did some exercise around 2pm. I had a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich (285 cal), 10 strawberries (20 cal), 2 carrots (15 cal), and half of a pumpkin muffin (90 cal). And I just had some Honey Bunches of Oats a few hours ago (240 cal). I did a good hour and 25 minutes of OnDemand cardio, yoga and pilates and burned off 400 calories. My intake today was 755 and my net intake was 355 calories, so 45 under my limit. Yay. =)

I'm getting very excited for the pool party my friend Taylor is throwing on Friday. Aaron will be there, I'm happy with my tan, and the scale said an even 120 on it today (even despite there being about 32 oz of water and a sandwich in my tummy). Only three more lbs and I'll officially be at a new lowest weight. 118 is the lowest ever weighed in a relatively adult body. It hasn't changed at all in height or overall shape since I was 13. I've been 5 feet and an hourglass since I hit puberty. Yesterday I ran into a girl from my HS dance team that I hadn't seen in two years and she said I looked really good and fit, so if she noticed then I'm eager to see what everyone else will notice too.

Olivia: Yeah I drank a TON of water today. I probably had a few glasses over 2 liters and I feel a lot better.

Camille: Oh yeah I remember you blogging about the water retention. The soreness has gone away a bit, so I think whatever swelling I had has gone down, but who knows? I've been drinking a lot of water so maybe my muscles will just fuck with me and decide to keep it all in. =/

Christy: Yes, very painful.

Amber: Well we don't actually live on a farm. My family lives in the 'burbs and my parents only got into farming about 5 years back, so they leased some land about 20 minutes away but I think that makes it even more challenging to maintain. They wouldn't mind moving out there to live there full time, but personally I'm fine living in the only house I've been in the past 19 years. haha

Sorry for no thinspo today, again I have work tomorrow. Six days in a row I have workworkwork. Greaaaaaaat. And I don't even get paid from my actual job until next Thursday. And I've got no clue when my parents will have the money to pay me. Ugh anyway I'm very tired. I got up at 5:30 am to get to the farm before the heat took over, so I'm worn out.

Hope everyone's day was a good summer day.
♥ Toni

P.S.-Thank you Shauna Nicholson for following! You brought me up to 68 today. =)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Disappointed in my body.

So today I had work and I decided all I would have was coffee and water until I got home. I thought I'd be down at least a half lb, but nooooooooo, my body decided to be a little rebel and gain to 121.5 lbs. Well, maybe when I weigh myself tomorrow morning I'll be smaller.

Boy did I think I was sore last night. Today was so much worse. Climbing stairs was painful. My thighs, obliques, and butt are screaming. Today my mom said how skinny my legs look and gave them a little squeeze and I gasped in pain. I guess I worked harder than I thought I did. And guess what? I did it again today. I'm guessing I burned maybe 185 calories, but again I'm downplaying it.

So food was coffee this morning (10 cal), and a fun size twix (80 cal) plus bite of cookie dough (35 cal) when I got home. Despite my mom using Crisco in her cookies, most of everything else is fairly healthy. Almond meal, oats, and unbleached flour among other things. Plus they taste great. We went to Carl's Jr. for dinner and I got a Cranberry Walnut Salad with grilled chicken. I only used half of the raspberry vinaigrette and feta cheese, so instead of a 360 calorie salad it was more like 305. And then I had a super small piece of my mom's cheese cake (55 cal) So my total intake today was 485 and my net intake was 300 calories. I'm glad I'm finding the energy to actually keep up with the SGD, and your lovely comments and support really help push me along. =)

Camille: No I don't live in the UK, California is my house and home. I guess Xfinity is a subset of Comcast, so maybe that rings more of a bell? And thank you for the support. You and your hubby are totally adorable. =)

So yeah my day hasn't been too exciting...at all. I hope I have more to talk about tomorrow. I gotta go to bed soon though, I'm getting up early to go to my parents' farm. Oh joy...

I really want to eat a whole bakery right now.

♥ Toni

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day (you know, because tons of my followers are dads, tee hee)

But seriously, I think this year was a pretty alright Father's Day. I got my dad a shirt from my university. :D

Like yesterday, I stayed on track again today. Part of that is due to the television believe it or not. I came home for summer to find that my parents switched to Xfinity and now we have On Demand, which means free exercise programs. I did, in total, probably an hour or so of pilates, cardio, abs, and thigh exercises. Now my inner thighs and glutes are sore, which is good. They haven't been sore in a long time.

I took my parents and sister out to a move for Father's Day. Now that I'm back to working I get the privilege of seeing free movies, so all I paid for was popcorn (if I had paid for all of us it would have been over $40!) We saw X-Men: First Class and I LOVED it. It was one of the best prequels I've ever seen. It was loads better than the Wolverine film. The story and acting was absolutely great.

Food was under my limit. My parents offered to cook my up eggs this morning but I just had a piece of french bread toast and butter (125 cal) with coffee (10 cal) and strawberries (25 cal). Then I didn't eat again until dinner before the movie. I ate 3.5 oz of tri tip (170 cal), a small potato with sour cream (70 cal), another piece of french bread toast (grilled with no butter; 80 cal), a few bites of caesar salad (25 cal), and a desert of my mom's home made cheese cake (130 cal). Then I had about a fifth of the small popcorn at the movies (145 cal). I'm downplaying the amount of calories I burned to 225 because I really have no clue how much I burned, but I know I was sweating! I'm sure I burned more, but better safe than sorry, right? So my total intake today was 780 and my net intake was 555 calories. Aaaaaand I weighed in at 121.25 lbs. Good day. =)

Other miscellaneous things I did today was clean out all of my thinspo folders. Some times the old stuff just doesn't elicit the same response from me, so I got rid of like 250 photos and added some more from tumblr. A lot of fitspo, which I'm really getting into, as are a few other bloggers I'm noticing.

I love her body

Sooooo taaaaaaaan

And a hello to hey.haha.Thanks for joining. ^_^

Shrinking Violet: Thank you! I'd really like to get rid of the rest of the little pooch on my belly but overall I think the difference in my body is really noticeable.And yes I thought JGL was so gorgeous in Inception, especially in all those suits.

Amber: Haha thanks for understanding my screen rant. And yeas, every day does make a difference. I'm glad I didn't decide to just keep screwing up because of one bad week.

Christy: Really? The whole time I was thinking "boy, I really want some chocolate, and gummi candy, and whipped cream, and sugar, and allthecandyintheworld!"

Sammy and Ulla: Doesn't Nolan just make the best movies? He's definitely my favorite modern director.

Hope you ladies are having a good day (or night if you're living in the States like me). And to all the girls who are having a tough time I hope tomorrow is a fresh start and you all feel a little better.

♥ Toni

Saturday, June 18, 2011

INCEPTION!!! (and thinspo)

Thank you astridwillbe50 for joining my blog
You're in a place of no judgement. =)

I'm currently watching Inception on HBO. It's my favorite movie and I'm very disappointed that HBO is playing it in fullscreen. If any of you are movie screen ratio savvy then you know that movie theater screen are very rectangular, and 75 mm film is formatted to make the picture look very wide, so that landscapes look humungous. TV screen are more square, so when movies air on television, they either air in widescreen (hence the thick black lines on the top and bottom of your tv screen) or in full screen, which means the edges of the film are cut off to make the picture small enough. It's just not the same. =/
But anyway I love Inception and Christopher Nolan and the score by Hans Zimmer and the story and the acting and the 4 Oscars the film won and everything about it! He was possessed with some radical notions...

I started work again today back at the movie theater. They put me on reg (concessions). It was an 8 hour day but I was glad to be back, and 3 of my co-workers commented on my weight loss! So anyway I had no time to eat and didn't eat much when I got back home. I only had a cup of coffee in the morning (10 cal), and when I got home I had an oatmeal raisin cookie (170 cal), a few bites of bread (75 cal), 1/4 of an apple danish (80 cal), and a home made soft taco (255 cal) for a total of 590 calories, which is 60 calories under my limit for the SGD!


I finally stayed under my calories limits. Holy crap does it feel good, and today I weighed 122.25 to boot, .75 lbs under yesterday. I think I'm getting on the right track.

Ok and I actually took the after pics for the Pictures Page so check it out if you want.

Alright not much else to say for today. Got some thinspo though. :D

Night lovelies.
♥ Toni

P.S. Now I'm watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This day is just getting better.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I hope this post makes sense because I'm severely tired.

Thank you Savanna, Shrinking Violet and Miwo for joining my blog. =)
I can't believe I'm up to 65 followers. I feel bad that I haven't updated in 4 days and people are still signing up to follow, but I'm very grateful for you lovelies.

SGD has bee such a total and complete bust. I've only had one good day. Today was 730 calories total. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not going to the gym. I would be running but my schedule has been busy with work and on Wednesday I went on that trip to see Aaron. I had so much fun. I stayed the night at his place and...uh...played the best game of doctor ever. And then the next day we went to a water park. The best part? I felt good in my new black bikini (oh yeah I bought a new bathing suit, bras, running shoes, and lacy panties on Tuesday with Jenna). I didn't feel like a fat whale for the first time in my life. You know how girl always compare themselves to other girls at water parks? I felt like one of those girls that some might compare themselves to, and Aaron not being able to keep his hands off me boosted my confidence as well. And one of my closest friends is having a start of summer pool party in a week, so I want to lose maybe just a few more lbs before then to really feel good.

I'm up to 123 lbs, but I'm sure some of it is food still in my tummy. I go back to my actual job at the movie theater (my other one is working for my parents) tomorrow at 8:30 am. I think I'll be able to go all day without much food. I'm in a good place right now, but I know if I keep slipping up I'll gain some weight back and I don't want that to happen. Up until Wednesday I was losing about a half lb a day and I was down to 120.25 lbs, so I know if I just restrict I'll be pretty ok. I'm going to go jogging more and do some body exercises in my room to maybe make up for the fact that I don't have a gym membership and probably wouldn't be able to go much if I got one anyway.

I promise I'll post more tomorrow. I'm so tired and need to get up early for work. I'll post pictures of thinspo, lots of it. Oh and I think I can finally do before/after pictures. I've been meaning to do that...ugh ok going to bed. I've read most of your updates from the past few days and will read the rest tomorrow. =)

♥ Toni

Monday, June 13, 2011

Where has my will power gone?

Man, I don't understand how some girls can lose 3-4 lbs per week. I'm lucky if I lose 1 lb a week and 5 lbs in a month, but I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm small enough that I don't lose weight as quickly as I used to. Needless to say I've been fucking up the SGD. I feel like at this point I'm just eating what I want and not caring that I'm even on the SGD. I couldn't even stay in the limits for Saturday and Sunday. Actually, I don't even know how much I ate Sunday. That was the day I came home from college, so today was my first full day back home for the summer. But anyway yesterday I had half of a pepperoni calzone, a raspberry lemonade, a scoop of raspberry cheesecake ice cream, and a pork springroll. Only 4 things with calories and I'm sure it totaled over 1000. Sigh...at least this time last week I was a solid 125 lbs and today I fluctuated between 122.5 and 123.5. I count that as good.

Food-wise, today was slightly better. I worked up a sweat unpacking in this heat and I went for a little run before dinner. So that's gotta count for something. I tried not to eat too much before dinner. I find that when I'm home it's fairly easy for me to eat little throughout the day until dinner, and then I only eat a moderate portion of food. It usually has pretty good results and I lose weight. So today I had coffee with sugar and creamer (totally not my usual fat free milk and Equal; 55 cal), a home made cookie (90 cal), 6 Triscuits (120 cal), and 15 strawberries (25 cal). The strawberries are from my parent's farm and I haven't had them in so long. They tasted heavenly and will probably be one of my major safe foods all summer. I especially like to eat them when I'm picking them for the markets we do. So anyway around came dinner. Grilled everything. 2.5 oz grilled chicken (105 cal), grilled lettuce (20 cal), 3 pieces of grilled sourdough baguette (140 cal), and miscellaneous bites of food throughout the day (140 cal). Plus I walked/ran 2.1 mi around my neighborhood. 5 minutes of that was walking (-22 cal) and 18 minutes of that was running at 6 mi/hr (-168 cal), so a total of 190 calories burned. This would put me at exactly 450 calories, but then I had a home made strawberry milkshake. I want to say that's 230 calories. So my total intake for the day was 870 and my net intake was 680 calories. Blah. I really need to start controlling this food thing.

Fat chance. I went grocery shopping with my mom today and we bought bagels, cream cheese, rootbeer and Shasta Tiki Punch soda, Choco Tacos, and Klondike Bars. Good news: I had her get nonfat milk (for my coffee, whoop!), reduced fat cream cheese, celery, skinny cow spreadable swiss, and turkey. There was some other stuff too but I most likely won't eat a lot of it.

Tomorrow's plan of attack: waking up around 7:30 to take an hour long walk/run, come back and shower, pick up Jenna around 10 to go shopping (for new bras, running shoes, and dance attire for my summer classes), then go to class and come home. Hopefully food won't be in there much.

And another very good thing happened last night/today. Ok, so there's something you have to know about my parents and Aaron, neither really likes the other, especially my dad and Aaron. My mom is eh about it but my dad really doesn't like him. It's not like he's a jerk or anything, he just says the wrong thing...a lot. But last night my dad said that because I'm growing up (just turned 19) and just spent a year away from home doing my own thing that he's going to be more lenient about Aaron, especially because we're not living in the same town this summer. We both grew up in out hometown but Aaron's dad had to move about 40 minutes away so we won't be spending as much time together, but my dad said it was ok if I spent the day/night over there sometimes. I was floored. I thought I'd have to convince him for weeks to let me go visit him, but there he was telling me I could right off the bat. And today I asked if I could go Wednesday night and stay until Thursday evening and he said yes! I'm so excited! And Aaron lives in a big city too, the state's capital if that gives you any clues. So I think we might go clubbing with a friends from college who also lives there. I've never gone but I have the perfect LBD that I actually look good in now.

Damn ok so this post is already long, but I have to respond to comments.
Elbar7a: I can definitely see why you've never had Coldstone. If you did you'd probably never want to leave (like me). It takes me at least a good 10 minutes to decide what I want because everything looks good (and subsequently full of calories).
Amber: Yes, Olivia Lee and I are going to the same college next year but she'll be a year ahead of me. Haha I'm glad you remember. And yeah I have the feeling most of us would get along quite well if we all met in person. In fact it wold be awesome to meet you in person. You're one of my favorites.
Olivia Lee: Ditto. The rest of my weekend was full of packing and driving and hot weather. You were definitely one of the best parts of the weekend.

Ok, that was a lot of stuff. I congratulate you if you made it through to this part. So I have some much overdue thinspo:

No real theme, just stuff I like and what I thought you lovelies would like.

Here's to a better tomorrow,
♥ Toni

P.S.-Welcome Kate and JT! Thank you for signing in and following this journey of mine. =D

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Tired and Full.

Boy has a lot happened in the past few hours.

First off, I want to welcome my newest followers, although in the past few days I've seen the number switch from 58 to 59 about 3 different times, so forgive me if I'm missing one or two of you. Welcome Britni Marie, Starving Artist and Adrian. Although  maybe I already said hi to Adrian? Oh well if I did already then you get two!

Today has been nothing but packing while listening to A) Fleetwood Mac (Rumours) and B) Britney Spears (everything!). I'd say I'm 80% packed. All my clothes, books, shoes, and lotions are packed. School supplies, accessories and makeup are all that really remain. After I finished packing for the day I decided to take a little nap. It was only 90 minutes but the effect still hasn't worn off. It's like my body is stupid and doesn't know that I only took a nap. Instead it thinks I'm depriving it of sleep and it's making me feel like a zombie.

Food wasn't terrible. I had the fruit salad thing, went out to sushi and had some kind of veggie roll with fried something fish in it and miso soup, and then because I'm me and like to fuck things up I had Birthday Cake Remix from Coldstone (a.k.a. heaven in a cup). Total is probably around 1000 for the day. Not really that terrible, only 350 over the SGD limit. And Gianni's right, a total of 1000-1200 is better than eating a total that will make me gain.

Let me tell you about dinner. I met someone tonight. Someone a lot of you know. I dined with none other than the lovely miss Olivia Lee. She happened to be in town this weekend and we had sushi together with two of my friends from university. She. Is. Awesome. She's so cute and nice and friendly. We talked about college and summer plans (we actually only live like 2 towns over from each other) and Blogger. It was so cool meeting someone from this community, especially her because she's one of the first blogs I started to follow and she's one of my favorites. It's official, I ♥ OL.

Alright, as my post says I'm tired and full, so I'm going to head off to bed. If I have time tomorrow in between packing and going home and seeing my family again I'll post some thinspo. I went searching today for some to put up because I know I've been neglecting to post it for a while.

Nighty night lovelies,
♥ Toni

Tired and Hungry

I have been terrible at this the past few days so I apologize. I haven't been updating and I haven't been sticking to the SGD.

Thursday was a good day though. I burned that 1,100 I said I was going to with a mix of elliptical and the treadmill. I weighed in at 122.6. Only thing that wasn't so good was my eating. I really wanted to be in the negatives since I exercised so hard, but I ended up eating so much I was at 470 for the day, meaning I ate almost 1,600 calories. Oh well, I didn't go over.

Yesterday was worse. It was a 450 calorie day and I have no idea how much I ate. For breakfast I had banana nut bread, fruit and an omelet which was something like 600 calories, then I burned 235 running/walking around the school for 40 minutes, but then by the time dinner rolled around I was starving, so my friends and I went to a diner. I had a patty melt, milk shake, and a salad that was drenched in ranch dressing. I really need to order my dressings on the side from here on out. I've never had a salad that was more soaked in dressing. Then I had some ice cream. If I had to guess I think my total was something like 1,200. Yuck.

I weighed myself today and even though it's the shoddy scale I bought for $3 I think it's fairly accurate to a degree. After weighing myself a few times I think I'm at something like 121.5 lbs. Not terrible. I just had a fruit salad with yogurt from McDonald's (210 cal) and will be going out for dinner one last time before I head home. How sad! I'll keep you updated.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I'm not going to fuck today up.

I'm sorry I didn't post last night. I need to get out of the habit of skipping days on the blog.

Thank you ALL for all of your lovely comments: Scarlett, Nichole S., Adrian, Thin or Not, Gianni, Christy, Olivia Lee, Sofia, Amber, Violet, Peanut, and Kat not Jas. Wow, you girls are just amazing and I'm really glad I joined blogger back in December because you are all beautiful and awesome - awesome followers and fellow bloggers!

Up to 58 followers! Wasn't it just a few days ago that I hit 50? I'm really excited that my blog is growing. ^_^

So yeah it turns out my night spent with Aaron Tuesday night was probably my last for the whole summer. He's already left school because he's done with all of his finals and was supposed to be going to his uncle's funeral in L.A. today, but they got a flat tire so they ended up just going to Sacramento, which is where they moved to. I used to be able to walk to Aaron's house in less than 10 minutes and now I'll only see him once a week maybe! But I guess it's a good thing, he thinks a little time away may make our relationship better, plus we'll be living closer to each other next school term when we come back to university. Plus I can focus more on working my two jobs and going to dance class if he's not around to distract me.

I officially ended school yesterday when I e-mailed my TA my last essay and now I have three days to pack until I leave for home. My first year of college is already over. It went by so fast! Ugh I'm tired of growing up and seeing the world fly by, but such is life.

Food hasn't been great. Every day I have a set plan but someone always cajoles me into eating and I feel horrible afterwards. Thankfully I've been losing weight (down to 123.75 as of yesterday), but not as much as I hoped I would. To be honest I ate after I posted on Monday, so my -10 net intake was probably somewhere more around 600. I'm not sure. Tuesday I went to the dining hall after I calculated all my calories. I was under my limit and all I was going to have was coffee, but I ended up eating cheesy bread, a giant bowl of frosted flakes, and tri tip. Yesterday wasn't much better. I didn't know the university gym closed early this week so I only had 20 minutes on the elliptical. I burned 260 calories (I pushed myself as hard as I could go) and decided to, and this might sound crazy, run the track. I don't run. I hate running. But I ran. And I did a mile in something like 10.5 minutes and burned another 90 calories. So to make up for my lack of exercise yesterday I'm going back today once the overcast was dissipated and I'm going to run 2 miles, spend an hour on the elliptical, then run another 2 miles. That should burn over 1000 calories easily.

So last night's eating I can totally add up and tell you. I was saving most of my food until "dinner" (if you can even call it that). To celebrate the end of finals Jenna and I were going to pig out on Totino's pizza rolls. This was before I had to cut my workout short. I for breakfast I had eaten a lemon poppyseed muffin (130 cal), 1/3 of a belgian waffle (90 cal), 1/2 tbsp butter (50 cal), and 2 tbsp syrup (105 cal) and my total was 375 calories. I burned 350 at the gym. And then my friends were all "Hey Toni we're going out to eat at Burger. Wanna go?" And I was all "Ok but I might not eat anything because I'm planning on a pizza roll party with Jenna later." And they were all "Ok." I ended up eating a hot dog with mac-n-cheese on it (that alone is 400 calories), french fries (225 cal), and 16 oz of Sprite (155 cal). And on top of that I still had the pizza rolls, 12 of them (420 cal). Yup, my net intake came to 1225 calories. I heavily doubt that the scale will tell me that I've lost weight. =/

Today I am sticking to my plan. I'm not gonna be Fatso McGee today. I'm going to limit my net intake to 1000 and burn more than 1000. I'm not going to fuck up.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

At Aaron's place so...

I'm sorry! I can't post like I said I would. I'll have to save commenting for tomorrow. For now all I can say is thank you so, so, so much for the support. More detailed thank yous will be coming tomorrow!

Hello, I'm Toni and this is me.

Ok I'm ready...I think. I'm putting up pictures of myself. Not just my thighs, but my face, and my boyfriend's face, and my friends' faces. Promise you won't go find them and brutally stab them in their sleep. Pretty please?

Well, to start it off here's a picture of me in high school, in between the ED/NOS phases I had when I was 14 and now:
 I really don't know how much I weighed here. It's around Christmas of 2008, which was my junior year in high school. I'm 16. I remember my face looking less oval than this...
And I have no idea why I'm wearing no make-up and my eyebrows are so unruly. Probably because Christmas morning is always so hectic that I had no time.

This is a picture taken this summer when me, my friends, and Aaron (that's him!) went to Six Flags after graduation. I'd say I'm in the mid to upper 130s in this picture. The thing that strikes me about this picture is how much older Aaron looks than me, and he's 5 months younger. It's the height and facial hair.

 This was taken in early November of last year, right before I hit my heaviest at 148. I was 145ish here. My face was so fat! I look at this picture and all I can see is a little kid, and this was less than a year ago. I don't see an 18-year-old college adult in this photo, I see a girl. The other two girls here are my hall mates Liz and Priscilla.

 I can't quite remember if this was taken in October or November, but I know I saw this photo and thought that my legs looked like sausages. I hate this photo.

 This was in early December, right before Christmas break. The hall had a giant Secret Santa gift exchange and I was the the organizer of it. I had already hit my highest weight and was starting to taper off the calories in my diet, but here I'm still in the mid 140s. That and horizontal stripes? Not a great combo on a lil chubby girl. The blonde to the left is my best friend Jenna. ^_^

Also in the same time period as the last photo. I made that dress out of magazine but found that I was too big to fit into it, so I asked my friend Lena to model it for me. Now there's a comparison if I ever need one: short fat brunette next to a tall(er) thin blonde. Notice how my left thumb just digs into the fat of my waist. Ew.

This is on a bench in San Francisco in mid-January. A bunch of us went out the first weekend back in college before the actual work started up again. I had started this blog but hadn't started keeping track of my weight yet. If I had to guess I'd say I'm around 137 in this picture.

Why yes, that is me with a whole quart of Neapolitan ice cream looking like a crazed, bug-eyed loony. This is early March and I'm about 133 in this photo. I have lost 15 lbs since my highest weight, and my face is still chubby.

^^^line separating the phase I felt horrible about my body and now

Sorry I have no April pictures. None of them seemed adequate. I guess that's when I really saw my body transform. This is May 4th, about a month ago. Between the last photo and this one two months passed, I lost 10 more lbs, started growing my bangs, started tanning, and started my dance classes. excuse the red eye. My eyes get like that. I feel a lot better about this picture than all the previous ones. The girl next to me is my really good friend Briana.

 This is less than 3 weeks ago, May 20th, the day we all went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. These are the most recent photos of me. I'm dressed as a pirate and weigh about the same as the last picture: 122 lbs.
(Side note: I am breaking my leggings-as-pants rule but Briana said it was ok since I was in costume).

Aaron used to be unable to pick me up. Now he can give me a piggy back ride. ^_^

 I don't think my face looks chubby anymore. =)

 Me and Jenna (and her cherry-red hair).

My profile picture. I love Effy (Kaya). So am I anything like you thought I'd look like?

I actually don't know if I'll put these up on my Progress page. There's a lot of pictures in this post and I don't want to clog it up. Maybe I'll just put up a before/after comparison. I have the before picture (It's from January) but haven't taken an after one. What do you guys think?

Alright, I'll update my food intake and such later. I just wanted to get this out of the way first.

♥ Toni

Monday, June 6, 2011

Getting back on the SGD track.

Thank you Christy and Amber for the birthday wishes. =)
My Facebook has been overflowing with "happy birthday this" and :have an awesome birthday that." I really wasn't sure how many people would comment outside of the people I go to college with, but even my boss wished me a happy birthday.

So today after my first final (which I'm pretty sure I got an A on, it was ridiculously easy) I went to the gym like I said I would. And the damage was right there on the scale: 125 lbs. How oh how did I manage to gain 5 lbs in 5 days? It ain't possible. Must be the tons of food still in my system, so despite it being my birthday I'm restricting today for the start of the SGD. And to be honest I feel really good about it. I'm not thinking "dammit it's my birthday and I should eat whatever I want. " I'm thinking "it's my birthday and I'm getting back into the game so I can get this weight off." And it feels pretty awesome. I'm glad I wasn't begging to get off of the elliptical today, which I was on for over an hour.

But yeah other than the final, my birthday and food nothing else is really going on today. I'm watching The Piano for my film music class and continuing my search for dance classes. I don't want to spend a bunch of money to take like 3 classes a week but switching from 4 classes to 1 or 2 a week will be difficult. I just want to dance! But I have other priorities this summer. My jobs mainly. And losing more weight. I went from having to lose only 8 more lbs to get to my UGW and now I'm back to having to lose 13. I'm praying a lot of what I gained will be gone tomorrow. I'm drinking tons of water and cutting back the calories, so we'll see.

Oh and something I found out today (more dance related stuff): one of the teachers at the studio right around the corner from my house is my old HS dance team assistant coach. Erm...I don't know what it'll be like if I choose to dance there this summer. I never quite warmed up to any of my coaches back in high school. They liked to favor certain girls and I wasn't really one of them, but she was the nicest out of the three so that's good. And another one of the instructors is actually a girl in the grade below me who I remember from high school. Weird! I can't imagine taking dance classes from a girl who is younger than myself, especially since I'm not even really a beginner. We'll see, we'll see...

Ok, time for food. I was very much on track today and I plan on having nothing more to eat until after my final tomorrow and after I hit the gym again.

Breakfast was 6 oz of cream of wheat (90 cal), 1 tbsp brown sugar (35 cal), coffee with 1 tbsp skim milk (5 cal), 1/2 of a canned peach (50 cal), and 1 bagel (160 cal) with toppings of butter (30 cal) and cream cheese (50 cal). It was kind of a bigger breakfast than I'm used to. 420 calories total. Then I went to lunch around 3 because it was fresh cookie day. I had two small chocolate chip cookies (110 cal) with 4 oz of 2% milk (60 cal), some french fries (60 cal), and veggies (25 cal) with ranch (75 cal). That came to 330 calories. So my intake today was 750 calories and at the gym I burned off 760, so my net total is -10 calories for the day. Phew! Great for my first day back to restricting in almost a week.

And one last thing. I might, might follow in Amber's footsteps and post a picture or two of myself. Might. I'll admit I'm not hesitant entirely because of self esteem issues (well, maybe slightly), but you know how it can be on the internet, although I have wanted to put a face to my blog for a while now. I don't quite know what you all think I look like and if what I actually look like contradicts greatly with your imaginations. It's always interesting to see the face behind the mask, although I did choose my profile picture because I'd like to think that I look a little like Kaya Scodelario. Well, maybe we don't look a whole lot alike, but I do have brown hair, blue eyes, and freckles. And we're the same age (as of today). Maybe if my face were just thinner...oh well, stay tuned. If I do put pics up it'll be on my picture progress page. I need to take a current picture of my body so I can put up before/after pics, plus my sister just unearthed a Christmas photo of me two years ago and my face was so much fatter! Haha I'll have to put that up.

Alright ladies, gotta study for my exams. If any of you are going through finals I wish you the best of luck!

♥ Toni

Sunday, June 5, 2011

This post is too long and all over the place.

You know, I never did quite figure out why so many girls followed like 13650921475 blogs, but I currently just started following My Mission to a Thin Me, which is my 37th blog. I never thought I'd be to the point where I'd be reading so many, but I really like seeing a new post every time I log on.

So last night was pretty fun. A group of myself, Aaron, and a few of my friends went out to eat at a burger place called "Burger.". It's really spelled with a period at the end. They have some crazy combinations like burgers in between two glazed doughnuts or in the middle of grilled cheeses. I ordered a relatively tame burger with macaroni and cheese slathered on top and a chocolate shake. Very delicious. And then afterwards we went to CVS where I got Redvines, Tootsie Rolls, Sour Punch Straws, and gummi worms. And today my friends sang me happy birthday (a day early) and gave me a whole plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls, my FAVORITE. Yeah, I wasn't kidding about the not caring about what I eat thing. And today was only slightly better than yesterday. I was full for days last night. Tomorrow I'm starting the SGD again per Thin or Not's challenge. I really need to get back into paying attention to what goes into my body. I'll see all the damage tomorrow on the scale after I go to the gym (oh yeah, spent my time studying, eating, and sleeping instead of working out like I said I would today).

One good bit of news: last night I was trying to decide what to wear before I went out. A few months ago I bought this cute purple knit mini dress (although on my 5'0" frame it doesn't look so mini) from Rue21. It fit really well and even had a stretchy black belt that came with it that hid my excess belly flab. Now...it's too big. I mean, it still fits, but you can tell that it just doesn't hug my body the way it used to. I guess that's good. I can really see changes in my body, but it's really starting to irk me that I'm going to either have to A) buy a bunch of new clothes that fit right B) pay someone to take a bunch of my clothes in or C) take the clothes in myself and risk doing it wrong. I have a friend whose mom can tailor clothes really well. She's a very traditional Asian woman and doesn't like to accept money from her daughter's friends, so I can go that route. I know I'll feel bad though giving a ton of stuff to this woman to take in and her being very polite and not wanting me to pay her. And I know with all the stuff I have it could cost up to $200 for me to take it to an actual paid tailor. I have pants, shirts, dresses, skirts, a jacket, and shorts that not longer fit at all. When I get back home I'm definitely going to have to try on everything I own and figure out what needs just a little work done and sew it myself.

Finals are coming tomorrow. At 8 am. On my birthday. Fuck. And I need to study still. Haha. I've spent the better part of the weekend on the internet looking for summer dance classes. I've found a pretty good studio to take an adult Intro to Ballet class and an Intermediate Jazz class. And it's fairly comparable in price. $48 for one class a week and $94 for two/week for 4 weeks (there are two summer sessions that are 4 weeks long) It's in the next town though and I still have to check about the studio that's literally around the corner from my house. Damn dancers who refuse to have a website for their services. I have to call. Oh well, if it's about the same price I may just go there, but I definitely have to go to at least one class from each to get the feeling for the studio. Ugh why am I going on about this, I'm sure it's boring all of you.

Up to 54 followers! Thank you Gianni, Tempest, and JellyBelly for signing on, even though I'm going through kind of a rough time with food atm.

Ok I really need to study and go to bed by midnight if I want to get any decent amount of sleep for tomorrow. My only solace, this final is only worth 7% of my grade. Too bad I think my game presentation sucked balls!

Thinspo will be back once I believe I can control the black hole which is my stomach.

♥ Toni

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I'm not good enough...yet.

Tuesday. I haven't posted since Tuesday. Is that a record? I'm sorry, I've been feeling really shitty about...well about pretty much everything the past few days. On Wednesday I weighed in at 119.75 after going to the gym in the morning. Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm a few lbs heavier than that now. I've been eating a ton and not counting. I've been going to the gym but not weighing. I skipped the gym today because I'm so sore from all the dancing I did on Thursday and the workout I did on Friday.

Speaking of dancing, of course this whole binge thing probably wouldn't have happened if I had made the team this time around. I felt really good about my audition. My across the floors were alright, the dance wasn't perfect but I did better than one or two of the girls who was already on the team. I got an e-mail yesterday saying that if I had just a bit more jazz/ballet training I would be fit for the team. So that's what I'm going to do this summer. On top of working at the movie theater and working for my parents' farm I'm looking into taking local ballet and jazz classes to up my technique. The cost will probably be somewhere between $150-$200 for the whole summer depending on where I take them, but I'm working towards only three things this summer: losing these last 10 or so lbs, making enough money to feed myself next school year, and building up my dancing to make the dance team, no matter the cost. And it better be worth it, because I think this last audition in the Fall will be my last. If I don't make the team my sophomore year then I just don't see the point. In my mind being on a team for only two years seems like it's not worth it. At least if I make the team I'll be on it for a majority of my college career.

Tonight is my birthday party. My actual birthday is on Monday, but we're celebrating before finals week. I've barely eaten anything - a cup of coffee and three sugar cookies. It's my party, so I'm not worrying about calories tonight. I'm going to get an awesome burger (what else would I get from a place called "Burger."?), possibly a milkshake, and popcorn and candy for the movie and I'm not going to care about it! I'm going to have fun. And then tomorrow I'm going right back to restricting, counting, and weighing. I broke the 120 barrier earlier this week and I can do it again.

I've just caught up on all of your posts and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting much more frequently in the future. I just needed a mini break for a bit while I rebounded from the shittiness going on lately.

Love you all,