I always tell myself that I'm not going to eat the next day.

And then I do and I feel like a fat fucking failure. I feel so bloated right now, and I never feel bloated. I don't want to eat tomorrow. At all.

This is not how I expected my summer to go. Someone please save me.

I haven't been sticking to the SGD. I haven't even been counting calories. I'm just eating and if I eat too much and gain weight I eat less, so my weight has stayed at about 122 lbs. Yesterday it was up to 125.5. I suppose it's weight fluctuations but I still feel horrible about the fact that I haven't lost any permanent weight in over a month. I. better. not. be. plateauing. Fuck.

I guess this would be good...if I didn't want to lose another 10 lbs. I want to be thinner, not weigh the same all summer. I just keep eating. It's so hard to resist at home where my parents are watching me all the time. But I work from noon to 8:30 tomorrow so I think I'll just stick to water. I want to be 120 by the end of the week.

If I had to guess I'd say I had maybe 1,200 calories today. Not good enough. It doesn't help that it was raining all day so I couldn't go outside and jog. I did some exercises in my room but they were mostly muscle building exercises, not the cardio I need to do to burn this fat off.

It's only 10pm and I'm already tired. I got 8 hours of sleep last night but I guess this past sleep-deprived week is catching up to me. I'm already tired of summer being more busy than the school year. This is not how my break was supposed to go, and when dance classes start up again next week my days will be even more packed. Great...

I hope I have better news for you all tomorrow (if I post, sorry I've been lagging in that department). I hope I'm not getting depressed, that's the last thing I need right now. Thank goodness for Daniel Tosh. He's one funny man. And not too bad on the eyes either. ;)

I'm not good enough...yet.

Tuesday. I haven't posted since Tuesday. Is that a record? I'm sorry, I've been feeling really shitty about...well about pretty much everything the past few days. On Wednesday I weighed in at 119.75 after going to the gym in the morning. Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm a few lbs heavier than that now. I've been eating a ton and not counting. I've been going to the gym but not weighing. I skipped the gym today because I'm so sore from all the dancing I did on Thursday and the workout I did on Friday.

Speaking of dancing, of course this whole binge thing probably wouldn't have happened if I had made the team this time around. I felt really good about my audition. My across the floors were alright, the dance wasn't perfect but I did better than one or two of the girls who was already on the team. I got an e-mail yesterday saying that if I had just a bit more jazz/ballet training I would be fit for the team. So that's what I'm going to do this summer. On top of working at the movie theater and working for my parents' farm I'm looking into taking local ballet and jazz classes to up my technique. The cost will probably be somewhere between $150-$200 for the whole summer depending on where I take them, but I'm working towards only three things this summer: losing these last 10 or so lbs, making enough money to feed myself next school year, and building up my dancing to make the dance team, no matter the cost. And it better be worth it, because I think this last audition in the Fall will be my last. If I don't make the team my sophomore year then I just don't see the point. In my mind being on a team for only two years seems like it's not worth it. At least if I make the team I'll be on it for a majority of my college career.

Tonight is my birthday party. My actual birthday is on Monday, but we're celebrating before finals week. I've barely eaten anything - a cup of coffee and three sugar cookies. It's my party, so I'm not worrying about calories tonight. I'm going to get an awesome burger (what else would I get from a place called "Burger."?), possibly a milkshake, and popcorn and candy for the movie and I'm not going to care about it! I'm going to have fun. And then tomorrow I'm going right back to restricting, counting, and weighing. I broke the 120 barrier earlier this week and I can do it again.

I've just caught up on all of your posts and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting much more frequently in the future. I just needed a mini break for a bit while I rebounded from the shittiness going on lately.

Love you all,
Toni

Fat Day

I'm sorry I didn't post. I was up until 3 am working on my game design project. Maybe I'll post it once it's done, but it's giving me so much trouble right now.

So yeah, I don't like fat days. I'm having one right now because of how much I ate last night and even from the small amount I ate this morning.
Yesterday for breakfast I had 30 blueberries (25 cal), 2 slices of pineapple (30 cal), 1/2 of a peach (45 cal), and coffee with 2% milk (10 cal) before my 8 am class. By the time I got out of the section at 10:30 I was starving, so I grabbed half of a bagel with butter (90 cal), a slice of ham (45 cal), half of a kiwi (20 cal), and 1/2 of a small orange (25 cal). All was fine and dandy after that. I went to dance class (-300 cal) and the gym (-515 cal) and weighed myself. 121.0 lbs. It was an ok day. Then I had dinner. 20 tortilla chips with nacho toppings (225 cal), a small slice of hawaiian pizza (115 cal), and 3 sugar cookies (240 cal). Then I was munching on seaweed all night while programming my game (40 cal). So my total for the day was 910 calories, and my net intake was 95 calories. Not terrible, but I know that was only because of all the exercise I got in.

Oh and with only 2 weeks left of school I lost my ID. Just great. Now I have to buy a new one. $20. For a piece of plastic. I'm going to try to convince the student housing building to charge me the replacement ID fee instead of the new ID fee. That would cost me only $5. Much better.

There's not much else to talk about. The day is still young. I'll post today's stats later. For now I'll leave you with two blogs I recently started following. There's ullalexie's Emerging From a Cocoon of Fat and Violet's Ethereal Dream. Go show them some love! Or at least browse a few of their posts.

Ok, I'll be back. I hope you all have a great day (or at least a skinnier one than mine).

♥ Toni
P.S.-49 followers! Gah so close to 50! You guys are awesome. =)
P.P.S.-I took a new picture of my thigh gap. It's like twice as big now! It's on my "Progress in Photos" tab.

Happy Valentine's Day

Hello beautifuls. I'm sorry I haven't posted, I was too busy eating and being ashamed this weekend. I didn't go to the gym once. It started with friday when I said I wasn't going to eat until yummy sushi dinner. Well...I had a piece of toast with butter and a small apple to tie me over (160 cal), but then a few of my friend and I got a little high. BAD IDEA when hungry, at least for me. I learned to never again smoke weed while trying to restrict my calories. I ended up eating at least 400 calories' worth of chocolate and sweets, and then on top of that the sushi for dinner. Thankfully I only had one roll which I'd say was 550 calories, bringing friday's total to 1,110 calories.

I don't think Saturday was too much better. Aaron slept over and in the morning I ended up having a big fit about how I didn't want to go out anywhere because I felt so fat. We did end up going to the boardwalk with some friends but I had such a melt down. Breakfast after that was terrible. I had a small serving of nachos (with guac, sour cream, cheese, chicken, etc., 200 cal), a serving of frosted flakes (175 cal), and 2 servings of chocolate pudding (250). For dinner that night I had a dining hall-made crunch wrap. Healthier than a Taco Bell crunch wrap but I'd still say they're about the same calorie-wise: 500. This brings saturday's total to 1125 calories.

Yesterday was only slightly better. Breakfast was two slices of cheese pizza (300 cal), a whole bagel with one half cream cheese and the other butter (210 cal), and a danish (200). Dinner was a Taco Bell beefy crunch burrito (510 cal). 1220 calories.

Total for the weekend: 3455 calories

Sorry for the long post. I was avoiding having to write it all down, but of course it had to be. So far today I've had one gogurt and a small plate of yogurt and flax seed granola. Last night I bought some chicken, beef, and vegi broths, granola bars, and the gogurts to try to manage the pounds I'm sure I've put on. I'll post again later tonight to hopefully try and redeem myself for the horror that was this weekend and maybe write about something other than what I've eaten.

~Toni

So Far Today is Meh

I'm having mixed feelings about the day so far. I got up at 8 am to go to the gym with some friends and worked out from 9-10. It was a pretty good workout too. I did the elliptical, some ab workouts and squats, and then got on a cycle. The problem is I mixed up the times of my classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so instead of getting back on time, taking a shower, and getting to class by 11, I actually missed my 10 am class. Fuck.

But on a good note I did burn at least 350 calories at the gym. For breakfast beforehand I only had two small banana nut muffins because the dining hall saw fit to be out of actual bananas.

Aaaand on another bad note I don't seem to be losing much weight. At all. It's getting really frustrating, especially since I've been eating much less now that I'm back on campus than I was before break. I think it's because I intend to go on different eating regimens, a special event comes up, I screw up by eating too much, then instead of getting back on with the diet I had I just pick another. Blaghhhhh, I need to stop that. I will be going to the gym more often though since me, my friends Jenna and Liz, and my boyfriend Aaron signed up for a fitness program at the university. Pretty much all you do is keep track of the minutes you work out between now and March 20, and if all the team members do more than 1500 minutes you get free t-shirts and get entered into a raffle for some pretty good prizes like workout gear, bookstore gift cards, stuff like that. I'm pumped to see how many hours I can log.

But enough ranting, it's thinspo time. Lord knows I need it...

Until next time,
Toni

Edit: I almost forgot! I have two new followers. Thanks guys, that actually made my day a little brighter. =)

I Need a Fresh Start

So #1. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week. I've been so busy with the start of school I haven't had much time to be on my laptop at all. And #2 I feel like shit. The past week has been the same every single day: I eat a piece of fruit (a banana or 1/2 a grapefruit) and a cup of tea, then something light for lunch (soup or salad), then spaz and eat pizza or a burger for dinner. And to top ot off, today my boyfriend said I had a chubby face! I mean, he said he wouldn't like it if I had a slim face, but it stung just the same, so I'm extra determined to get back on track. I've started a 3-day-a-week workout regimine with my friend at the university gym, and I'm going to try starting a raw fruit/vegetable diet. So mostly fresh fruit and salads. I've been good on drinking a lot of water and tea thus far, and I may start doing that MK point system. Meh, I'll see how it goes, but first I have to start off with 8 hours of sleep. I did want to post some thinspo, but I'm super tired, so I'll post some later in the day. Oh and I noticed I have a new follower. Thank you! =)

Good night all,
Toni