Saturday, June 4, 2011

I'm not good enough...yet.

Tuesday. I haven't posted since Tuesday. Is that a record? I'm sorry, I've been feeling really shitty about...well about pretty much everything the past few days. On Wednesday I weighed in at 119.75 after going to the gym in the morning. Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm a few lbs heavier than that now. I've been eating a ton and not counting. I've been going to the gym but not weighing. I skipped the gym today because I'm so sore from all the dancing I did on Thursday and the workout I did on Friday.

Speaking of dancing, of course this whole binge thing probably wouldn't have happened if I had made the team this time around. I felt really good about my audition. My across the floors were alright, the dance wasn't perfect but I did better than one or two of the girls who was already on the team. I got an e-mail yesterday saying that if I had just a bit more jazz/ballet training I would be fit for the team. So that's what I'm going to do this summer. On top of working at the movie theater and working for my parents' farm I'm looking into taking local ballet and jazz classes to up my technique. The cost will probably be somewhere between $150-$200 for the whole summer depending on where I take them, but I'm working towards only three things this summer: losing these last 10 or so lbs, making enough money to feed myself next school year, and building up my dancing to make the dance team, no matter the cost. And it better be worth it, because I think this last audition in the Fall will be my last. If I don't make the team my sophomore year then I just don't see the point. In my mind being on a team for only two years seems like it's not worth it. At least if I make the team I'll be on it for a majority of my college career.

Tonight is my birthday party. My actual birthday is on Monday, but we're celebrating before finals week. I've barely eaten anything - a cup of coffee and three sugar cookies. It's my party, so I'm not worrying about calories tonight. I'm going to get an awesome burger (what else would I get from a place called "Burger."?), possibly a milkshake, and popcorn and candy for the movie and I'm not going to care about it! I'm going to have fun. And then tomorrow I'm going right back to restricting, counting, and weighing. I broke the 120 barrier earlier this week and I can do it again.

I've just caught up on all of your posts and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting much more frequently in the future. I just needed a mini break for a bit while I rebounded from the shittiness going on lately.

Love you all,

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