Goal Weight #3 Reached!

Alright...get ready for it...I have good news.

I got on the scale after my workout today and...127.0 lbs!!! Areyoufuckingkiddingme?! I was over the moon with happiness. I kept thinking "There's no way I'll be down 4 pounds. Maybe I'll be 129 at best. I'll be happy with 130 even," but no, 127! I'm "normal" again, 24.8 BMI. It was truly a great day.

Besides that I had my film final which I think I did ok on plus had really good workout. I burned 655 calories and my limit today for SGD is 300, so I'm doing really well.

Breakfast was just a serving of cinnamon toast crunch with 2 oz of 2% (160 cal), 2 pieces of pineapple (50 cal), and half a bagel with butter (100 cal) for a total of 310 calories. Dinner was 3 oz. of lamb (225), a piece of roasted potato (30 cal), a cup of zucchini (45 cal), and 4 oz of root beer (50) for a total of 350 calories. I ended burning almost all of it off at the gym and my grand total for today (although it may or may not change depending on later tonight) is 5 calories. That's 295 calories under my limit and I may just keep it that way. I know some friends will be eating after their finals later, so I'll keep you posted on my intake if it changes.

I finished Wasted. The ending was a bit abrupt and I got really scared when I got to the part where Marya reached fifty-five pounds, but overall it was one of the best books I've read in a while. I highly recommend it even for those who are just looking for a good book to read for leisure, not necessarily eating disorders or anything like that.

Alright so in celebration for today and as a hearty good-bye to winter I have some thinspo to share!

Ok, that's all I have for today. I hope your day has been just as good as mine! And if not I'm sending you lots of good thoughts.

♥ Toni

A few rays of light in an otherwise depressing day

Oh today was not a very good day. Besides it being just downright blase I was hit with a few blows:

First off Aaron and I had a looong discussion about our relationship today. We're actually still discussing it via text as I write this. We're not happy, he's depressed, I'm angry, we fight, or we don't speak, and now I have the addition of this lovely set of distorted eating habits (although he still doesn't know about them) to get in the way of us.

Second, a person pulled out of our living arrangements for next year and the remaining 5 of us have to scramble to find someone who's willing to live in an apartment with four girls and one guy next year. I also stayed up until 6:30 am (spring forward, if it weren't for that I'd be asleep by 5:30) and got minimal sleep. It's Wasted's fault. It's too good.

One up side that I'm still not sure how I feel about: people have been commenting on my weight again, congratulating me on sticking to my gym plan and gushing about how much weight I've lost since the beginning of the school year. All I can do is say that awkward "thanks." You know, the kind that should say you're proud someone has taken notice but really you still feel like it's undeserved. It's nice to be noticed by people, but of course I won't let it permit me to eat a little more. I still feel like I have so much farther to go.

Food was under goal even without going to the gym (I was dead tired). I really only ate breakfast today. I had 2/3 of a breakfast burrito (555 calories total! but I ended up with only 370 because I didn't eat it all) and a chocolate chip cookie (120 cal) for a total of 490 calories. other than that all I've had is 2 mini cheese rice cakes (15 cal), a bagel crisp (20 cal), and a Risen (40 cal) for a grand total of 565 calories. 85 under goal, mini celebration.

I will go to the gym tomorrow. I'll be asleep by 2, wake up at 9:30, and leave by 11. I'm hoping to maybe, finally, after almost 2 years, break the 130's. 129.9, that's all I'm asking for. I need to lose as much weight as possible before spring break, because without the gym and my lack of will to get outside and run, I have the feeling I'll be going over my SGD limits.

I promise I'm reading all of your blogs. To be honest I'm way too down to offer any good advice. I can't even take my own damn compliments. All I have time for from here until Tuesday is gym, studying and this blog. Finals, finals, finals. Distractions from all the negativity I don't want to deal with. I'm sorry I'm being so depressing. I hope it doesn't get anyone too down. I'm just having a really crappy start to my week. =/

Toni

Homework, Movies, Books...Typical Saturday

So my roommate's having kind of a mini meltdown about this afterparty she's going to. She feels fat because she's on her period and some of her friends and I have been trying to get her into various outfits with no luck. At this point she's gone through maybe 6 or 7 different outfits. Sweaters, jeans, dresses, leggings, heels, flats. She's decided on dark blue jeans and an Adidas hoodie. I'm expecting her to change one or two more times. Just something interesting I thought I'd share.

My day has been uneventful for the most part. I woke up around 11:30 and had barely anything for breakfast before starting on some homework. Then around 5 I headed off for another film shoot, the one my RA is the director of. I did some audio but for the most part I wasn't needed and got to curl up with Wasted. Then around 8 I ate dinner with Aaron and came back here. Typical day. Tomorrow I'm pretty sure I'll be going to the gym.

So breakfast today consisted of 5 mini cheddar rice cakes (40 cal) and a wedge of swiss cheese with 3 bagel crisps (100 cal) for a total of 140 calories. I have no clue how that tied me over from noon until 8:30, but it did (although I did start to get hunger growls and pangs). Dinner was a cup of spaghetti with 1/4 cup tomato sauce (215 cal), a half piece of garlic bread (85 cal), 10 carrot sticks with mustard (I thought I'd try it; I'll stick to just the plain carrots - 35 cal), and a frozen yogurt swirl of strawberry and orange in a sugar cone (140 cal) for a dinner total of 475 calories and a grand total of 615 calories, 35 under my goal for today. Huzzah!

So I was thinking about my mom earlier today. We're almost exactly the same height (I'm maybe 1/2 inch taller than her) but I know I'm much bigger than she was when she was 18. I've seen pictures and was very petite, nit just in height but in weight as well, so I asked her what she weighed when she was my age. 98 lbs! She was tiny. In comparison I'm 33 lbs. heavier than her when she was my age. Sigh... Trust me though, she eats, and she ate back then, she just had a super fast metabolism. After having two kids though...well let's just say she weighs more than I did at my highest. She's trying to get her weight down though, and good for her for wanting to. If I used to be as thin as she was I'd want to be thinner too. But if she was that small I know I can definitely get down to my UGW, and maybe even a little less. We can all do it!

I believe in you all,
♥ Toni

P.S. - Thank you for the comments on my late-night ramble. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in some of my self-reflecting craziness.

Eating like a "normal person," why why why?

Alright so I haven't posted in a few days so I was quite surprised to see two new followers! Welcome, I very much enjoy your company. Feel free to message me or comment any time. (^-^)

The past few days have been alright. I totally fucked up on any remote fast I thought I would have. Thursday was ok, yesterday was terrible. On Thursday I had a cup of fruit salad, a cup of sauteed zucchini, a slices of cantaloupe, and one potato wedge which all came to 265 calories. Dinner was a bit worse. Aaron and I stopped my his dorm's dining hall to find a diner-inspired college night. I tried to keep it light but ended up with 6 bites of chicken pot pie, 2 oz of mac-n-cheese, 2.5 oz of "milkshake" (really just chocolate frozen yogurt; the texture was horrible), a chicken tender with ranch dressing and a piece of apple pie which accumulated to around 650 calories. But I burned 600 at the gym (135.25 lb weigh-in, gah!) for a grand total of 315 calories. Meh, not terrible.

Yesterday I decided to start my day off with half of a belgian waffle with 3 tbsp of syrup and a pat of butter (350 cal), 5 oz of orange juice (65 cal) for a breakfast total of 415 calories. I didn't want to eat lunch because I was going out to sushi for my friend Jenna's birthday, but I ended up having a small salad with ranch (120 cal), an ciabatta roll (170), and 2 chocolate chip cookies (180 cal) for a lunch total of 470 calories. This plus the 400 calorie sushi roll I had for dinner and the alcohol/chasers I had last night and the misc food I had as a result of smoking weed, which comes to 875 calories! WTF?! Even with the 765 calories I burned at the gym it comes to a total of 1395 calories. Holycrapshootmenow. I'm sure the 2 lbs I lost at my weigh-in yesterday (133 lbs) are going to be fucked up because of last night. Ugh I don't even like alcohol. The taste is disgusting.

I'm totally done for the day. I've already had 12 oz of cranberry juice, a cup of hot coco, and breakfast burrito which is 630 calories. No more anything for me today except water. I need to get to my next goal weight asap.

A few things have happened to me over the last week that I keep forgetting to jot down here. The first is that I've started to get compliments on my fading figure. About a week ago I asked my best friend (the one that I went to sushi with) if it looks like I've lost any weight. She said she wasn't sure but said it was mostly because I've been wearing loose clothing. The next day she said I looked thinner than I was a few months ago, which I took as the friend-being-a-friend-and-giving-compliments thing, but I know she's sincere. A few days ago though another friends of mine out of the blue said I looked a lot thinner and two nights ago when my boyfriend and I were getting down to nookie time he said I looked better than the last time we had sex. Of course to all of these comments I say thank you politely but inside I think "No, I still have 20 lbs to go! Can't you see all this weight I still need to lose?" Of course I can't say that, but it's what I've been thinking lately. I'm halfway to my goal but all I can think about is how I'm going to get to that elusive 112 lbs. Sigh...

Also, even though I'm only in chapter two, Wasted so far has been pretty freaking good. I've never read a memoir about an eating disorder and it's pretty freaky to see some of the similarities between Marya and myself. Olivia: it's a good read. You should definitely check it out.

Ok I'm sorry to keep rambling on. Hopefully next post will be minimal personal/food stuff and mostly thinspo, and I know we all enjoy that. =)

♥ Toni