I am tired, and yet I'd stay up all night for him.

Thank you to the lovelies who commented on my last post. I am very grateful for your words of comfort. And yes Olivia, I need to have tea with you soon! Everything is ok now. I'm at a very good place emotionally in my relationship. It's full of love and commitment and sex. Yeah...lots of that. ;)

But yeah I've been much better the last few days. Last night Oliver told me he loved me for the first time and I won't lie, it pretty much erased all of the negative feelings I was having throughout the day. I don't want anyone to worry because I'm not in any danger and I feel like this is the only place I can let out something like this, but I've been scratching at my wrists. Sometimes they hurt really bad and sting for a few days after. I haven't broken skin but sometimes it just makes me feel better to claw at myself. I don't know what prompted my moods to be default depressed, but when I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long they take over and I can't shake this sense of despair I get. I get annoyed with people, but I need them to make me ok.

But enough about that, I'm feeling ok now. On Saturday I was an extra for the film I'm working on as Assistant Director. I got to be the "hot girl" at a party with her shirt off making out with a guy (Oliver, also shirtless). It was the first time I've ever been knowingly ogled at...and it felt good. I have a pic below. I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning and maybe finally start to get back into shape. I'm still looming around 120, but you all now I want to be smaller!

♥ Toni
P.S. -  photos from the shoot

him with his shirt off (ain't he sexy?)

us during a take making out on the right

P.P.S. THINSPO!

"It was just organic."

It's amazing how I can go from being in an elated mood to a shitty one when my mind lingers on things I don't want to visualize. My stomach is growling but I feel like throwing up and crying. I'll just go to sleep.

Busy Busy

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating as frequently as I'd like for you all. My week has consisted of 10% class, 20% sleep, and 70% Oliver, who sleeps over and I have class with so...you get the picture.

I'm going to have to find a nice medium soon so I can actually get things done. It's just very difficult to concentrate on anything else except the guy I love but haven't seen in nearly a month.

I've started going back to the gym and counting my calories. Granted, I've been doing extremely light workouts and haven't kept a tight track on my food, but it's a start. I went grocery shopping Sunday night and got lots of healthy things. Oatmeal, dried fruit, grapes, snap peas, carrots, frozen veggies, radishes, and bok choy. It's not a lot, and I just got my last paycheck from home so I'll be getting lots more good stuff this weekend. Does anyone have any suggestions? I was thinking I'd get some nuts, some sort of low cal spread, low cal crackers, more fruits and veggies, possibly yogurt, soups, and popsicles. Please please please message me some safe foods that you all enjoy. I'd really like some ideas.

I have good news. Last time I got on the scale I saw 119.75 lbs. I am very happy with that number. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow morning to see if it's gone down any further, but this is the least I've weighed since I was 14, and I'm only 1.75 lbs away from that weight. I am so ready to get to my UGW you have no idea. Ugh! I'm excited. =)

♥ Toni

Forgive me for stating my opinion.

I will never understand casual hookups. From what I've seen you get absolutely nothing out of fucking some random person who you met one night and will never see again, or even someone you just casually see on the side. To me, sex is something that's meant to be had with emotion, in addition to romance. What would I get out of a one night stand or a fuck buddy? Momentary pleasure. That's it. Nothing else. And because of this, because of my opinions on sex, a lot of people look at me funny and think I'm against the sexually liberated women or people's sexual rights. Wrong. I love sex just as much as the next person. I just happen to have slightly old fashioned standards. Is that what we've come to as a society? That the idea of only having sex in a monogamous relationship is no longer the norm? That fucking whoever you so happen to think is hot with no concern for the consequences is now what the majority of people think is acceptable? I mean sure, I'm not going to impose on your right to have sex, but don't complain to me when something goes wrong. Don't try to tell me why you can't find a boyfriend or girlfriend, because you're stooping to everyone's level. Don't ask me why love is hard to come by, when you can plainly see why every single day. The youth of today is so focused on instant gratification. They don't want to work for anything, including love. It's disgusting.

I found out Aaron had a few hookups after we broke up. I was surprised. He knows how I feel about the matter. I asked him why he did it. He said he thought it would hell him. I asked him if it did and he said no. I asked him if he regretted it and he said yes. I said I had no sympathy, and you can see why as stated above.

In other news, I go back to school in three days. I'm very happy about this. I get to see Oliver and get to go back to the gym. I'm going to start counting my calories and lose that last 10 lbs that I put on hold for the past six months. I'm going to do it.

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hey y'all. Just wanted to stop in for a quick update. So I've lost approximately 1.5 lbs since coming home. I was down to 121 but that's if I don't eat much all day and then weigh myself in the morning on a growling tummy. Meh. Oh well. Believe it or not I'm actually too busy with all this Christmas planning to pay attention to what I'm eating. I'm just sticking to eating the least amount I can get away with, which was slightly difficult this past weekend.

I went to Oliver's hometown to visit him and meet his family. They were all very nice and I got to attend their Christmas party, with food galore. Plus Oliver took me out to lunch sooooooo, lots and lots of food. I'm still reeling from the after effects of it all.

But seeing him was so great. I miss him terribly, probably even more so now because I got to spend that weekend with him. I cannot wait for this break to be over and go back to school. A month of celibacy is...well, not something I would do by choice, if you catch my drift.

I need to find some time soon to actually post something that's not about my love life. I mean for God's sake this is my ED blog. But I guess I'm not feeling so disordered at the moment. Tis good I suppose, but I really want to get down to 118 by the end of break. I haven't even touched my running shoes since I got home. It's just so cold and I'm so busy. =/

Well, I hope to update again soon with something interesting. Until then, I'll be catching up on blogs, still. haha

♥ Toni

Here we fucking go again.

I feel sick.
I feel ashamed.
I feel insecure.
I feel fat (again).
I feel digusted.
I feel depressed.
I feel out of control.

...and most of that isn't even about food.

I'm seeing someone else.
Bear with me. This post has mostly nothing to do with the foreboding ED I know I'm going to fall back into.
I've been gone a long time, and while I'm sorting through everyone else's posts (at least those of the girls who didn't decide to leave), I need to play catch up.
Aaron and I broke up, and by that I mean I broke up with him. Most of it was because I just kind of fell out of love with him. I needed a change. I needed something new and fresh because we weren't working. But no matter how much I try to deny it, I know I ended it because of someone else. His name is Oliver.
And even though I'm sure there won't be a ton of people reading this due to my prolonged absence, I need to get everything out there.
First off, when I'm in a relationship, my attraction to other people goes down to zero. It's just not an option for me, so imagine my surprise when this handsome 20-year-old walked into my life and BAM, I ended a two and a half year relationship for him. It didn't start out that way. We were friendly, we hung out in groups, sometimes drinking, other times watching Firefly (such a fucking awesome show, by the way). We talked. For hours. We have so much in common. He's hot. He thinks I'm beautiful, despite my doubts. He loves my body. I want to be thinner, but I'll get to that. I stopped hanging out with Aaron. The last time we had sex it felt wrong. That was a month ago. I broke up with him on the 11th of November. I started dating Oliver on the 17th.
He was a virgin when I met him. That was Halloween. A week and a half later he wasn't, and a week after that we were together. And no, as I'm sure you're thinking it wasn't me who popped his cherry. It makes me depressed thinking about it. I feel like a stupid, immature child. He's an adult, he can do as he pleases with whomever he wants, I just wish it hadn't been just before we got together is all. On top of that, who just fucking takes someone's virginity like that? What the fuck? She didn't even like him. She just thought he was hot. And believe me, she's been places. I mean, I'm all for having as much sex as you want and what not, but it may be the romantic in me that thinks your first time should be somewhat more than a random hookup with someone you don't know very well. I just, I know I'm being stupid about it. He's with me, and that's that but still. The whole thing leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.
And I don't mean to paint him in a bad light. He's pretty much everything I could have asked for in one guy. Gorgeous, smart, hard working, caring, funny, geeky, a good listener, driven, knows what he wants out of life. He tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses my back and tells me I'm gorgeous. We even have the same major and will be taking all of the same courses next quarter. But that one little thing just bugs the shit out of me. Am I being stupid for that? I'm dwelling on it too much, but does that make what I feel any less valid?
I took things too fast I think. On the 20th we had sex for the first time, three days after we were "official" or whatever you want to call it. Not that there's anything wrong with that  necessarily. Even though we've only known each other a month we both feel as if it's been a lot longer than that. Time works in mysterious ways where I live.
I told him I love him today. He said he'll get there and he's thought about saying it in the moment. I didn't want to say it. I couldn't stop myself. I knew he wasn't going to say it back. I was prepared. But then again I suppose I wasn't if I'm writing about it now. I fall too fast for people, people who can hurt me.
Winter break is coming up. Aaron wants to win me back, I know it. I'll always care about him, but I love him in a different way now. I want him to be my friend. He's planning all this stuff we're going to do over break. I think he just wants to see me. I'm planning on meeting Oliver's parents in his home town. He's coming to mine to meet my family as well.
I'm out of my league. With Aaron it was easy. I was in control. He's a mess without me. I feel horrible that I put a human being through that. With Oliver it's different. We're equals. I have no idea what's going to happen. It makes me want to stop eating, to be perfect. He says my body is amazing.
I want to go back to the way I was. Eating less than 1000 calories a day, burning most of those off, drinking only water and tea and coffee. Weighing myself every day. Almost fainting.
I'm stuck at 124. That's not so bad. I want 112. I want my drive back. I want to be hungry when I go to sleep.

Everything has been going so well, and yet here I am. Back to start again where I was a year ago. This time though, I'm smaller. The reasons have changed. I'm ready to get down to what I said I was going to achieve. Here we fucking go again.

It's St. Patrick's Day, but that doesn't matter to me because...

...it's also my anniversary today. =)
Two years strong and always a reminder that we got together on a holiday. haha

Well I'm just in to report the goings on of this morning. In preparation for going home today I had a light breakfast and workout. 1/2 english muffin with butter (80 cal), 1/2 slice of pumpkin bread (90 cal), and 1 oz of chorizo (125 cal) for a total of 295 calories. Then I went to the gym. I was planning on burning at least 500 calories, but I had almost zero energy, so I ended up only burning 355. Oh well. With the calories burned I have 560 left to eat for tonight. Oh and my weigh-in was at 125.30 lbs. So close to Goal #4!

As of yet I have no clue how Aaron and I will be celebrating our two year mark. I've decided not to plan anything because whenever I plan something Aaron flakes or holds us up or something like that, so I told him to organize it this year. Besides, I did it last year, might as well switch off.

Alright, I'll be back later to fill all you ladies in on my happenings tonight. Have a Happy St. Patricks day.

Later:
So I'm sure I've eaten at least 700 calories since I've been back home. Chips, spinach dip, soda, pepperoni, pretzels, a BLT. Damn. At least I told myself I could have this one day since I got below 127 lbs before coming home. Tomorrow it's back to the SGD regimen. I think I'll just give myself a pass on today and move it to the end of the 30 days. Eh.

It was nice to see my family today. I told my mom I'd be home Saturday so when I showed up at the door she started crying because she was so happy to see me. It was nice to be welcomed, they even said I looked like I was in better shape. =)

Ok everyone, have a great night! Sending you all happy thought for tomorrow.

♥ Toni

A few rays of light in an otherwise depressing day

Oh today was not a very good day. Besides it being just downright blase I was hit with a few blows:

First off Aaron and I had a looong discussion about our relationship today. We're actually still discussing it via text as I write this. We're not happy, he's depressed, I'm angry, we fight, or we don't speak, and now I have the addition of this lovely set of distorted eating habits (although he still doesn't know about them) to get in the way of us.

Second, a person pulled out of our living arrangements for next year and the remaining 5 of us have to scramble to find someone who's willing to live in an apartment with four girls and one guy next year. I also stayed up until 6:30 am (spring forward, if it weren't for that I'd be asleep by 5:30) and got minimal sleep. It's Wasted's fault. It's too good.

One up side that I'm still not sure how I feel about: people have been commenting on my weight again, congratulating me on sticking to my gym plan and gushing about how much weight I've lost since the beginning of the school year. All I can do is say that awkward "thanks." You know, the kind that should say you're proud someone has taken notice but really you still feel like it's undeserved. It's nice to be noticed by people, but of course I won't let it permit me to eat a little more. I still feel like I have so much farther to go.

Food was under goal even without going to the gym (I was dead tired). I really only ate breakfast today. I had 2/3 of a breakfast burrito (555 calories total! but I ended up with only 370 because I didn't eat it all) and a chocolate chip cookie (120 cal) for a total of 490 calories. other than that all I've had is 2 mini cheese rice cakes (15 cal), a bagel crisp (20 cal), and a Risen (40 cal) for a grand total of 565 calories. 85 under goal, mini celebration.

I will go to the gym tomorrow. I'll be asleep by 2, wake up at 9:30, and leave by 11. I'm hoping to maybe, finally, after almost 2 years, break the 130's. 129.9, that's all I'm asking for. I need to lose as much weight as possible before spring break, because without the gym and my lack of will to get outside and run, I have the feeling I'll be going over my SGD limits.

I promise I'm reading all of your blogs. To be honest I'm way too down to offer any good advice. I can't even take my own damn compliments. All I have time for from here until Tuesday is gym, studying and this blog. Finals, finals, finals. Distractions from all the negativity I don't want to deal with. I'm sorry I'm being so depressing. I hope it doesn't get anyone too down. I'm just having a really crappy start to my week. =/

Toni