Here we fucking go again.

I feel sick.
I feel ashamed.
I feel insecure.
I feel fat (again).
I feel digusted.
I feel depressed.
I feel out of control.

...and most of that isn't even about food.

I'm seeing someone else.
Bear with me. This post has mostly nothing to do with the foreboding ED I know I'm going to fall back into.
I've been gone a long time, and while I'm sorting through everyone else's posts (at least those of the girls who didn't decide to leave), I need to play catch up.
Aaron and I broke up, and by that I mean I broke up with him. Most of it was because I just kind of fell out of love with him. I needed a change. I needed something new and fresh because we weren't working. But no matter how much I try to deny it, I know I ended it because of someone else. His name is Oliver.
And even though I'm sure there won't be a ton of people reading this due to my prolonged absence, I need to get everything out there.
First off, when I'm in a relationship, my attraction to other people goes down to zero. It's just not an option for me, so imagine my surprise when this handsome 20-year-old walked into my life and BAM, I ended a two and a half year relationship for him. It didn't start out that way. We were friendly, we hung out in groups, sometimes drinking, other times watching Firefly (such a fucking awesome show, by the way). We talked. For hours. We have so much in common. He's hot. He thinks I'm beautiful, despite my doubts. He loves my body. I want to be thinner, but I'll get to that. I stopped hanging out with Aaron. The last time we had sex it felt wrong. That was a month ago. I broke up with him on the 11th of November. I started dating Oliver on the 17th.
He was a virgin when I met him. That was Halloween. A week and a half later he wasn't, and a week after that we were together. And no, as I'm sure you're thinking it wasn't me who popped his cherry. It makes me depressed thinking about it. I feel like a stupid, immature child. He's an adult, he can do as he pleases with whomever he wants, I just wish it hadn't been just before we got together is all. On top of that, who just fucking takes someone's virginity like that? What the fuck? She didn't even like him. She just thought he was hot. And believe me, she's been places. I mean, I'm all for having as much sex as you want and what not, but it may be the romantic in me that thinks your first time should be somewhat more than a random hookup with someone you don't know very well. I just, I know I'm being stupid about it. He's with me, and that's that but still. The whole thing leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.
And I don't mean to paint him in a bad light. He's pretty much everything I could have asked for in one guy. Gorgeous, smart, hard working, caring, funny, geeky, a good listener, driven, knows what he wants out of life. He tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses my back and tells me I'm gorgeous. We even have the same major and will be taking all of the same courses next quarter. But that one little thing just bugs the shit out of me. Am I being stupid for that? I'm dwelling on it too much, but does that make what I feel any less valid?
I took things too fast I think. On the 20th we had sex for the first time, three days after we were "official" or whatever you want to call it. Not that there's anything wrong with that  necessarily. Even though we've only known each other a month we both feel as if it's been a lot longer than that. Time works in mysterious ways where I live.
I told him I love him today. He said he'll get there and he's thought about saying it in the moment. I didn't want to say it. I couldn't stop myself. I knew he wasn't going to say it back. I was prepared. But then again I suppose I wasn't if I'm writing about it now. I fall too fast for people, people who can hurt me.
Winter break is coming up. Aaron wants to win me back, I know it. I'll always care about him, but I love him in a different way now. I want him to be my friend. He's planning all this stuff we're going to do over break. I think he just wants to see me. I'm planning on meeting Oliver's parents in his home town. He's coming to mine to meet my family as well.
I'm out of my league. With Aaron it was easy. I was in control. He's a mess without me. I feel horrible that I put a human being through that. With Oliver it's different. We're equals. I have no idea what's going to happen. It makes me want to stop eating, to be perfect. He says my body is amazing.
I want to go back to the way I was. Eating less than 1000 calories a day, burning most of those off, drinking only water and tea and coffee. Weighing myself every day. Almost fainting.
I'm stuck at 124. That's not so bad. I want 112. I want my drive back. I want to be hungry when I go to sleep.

Everything has been going so well, and yet here I am. Back to start again where I was a year ago. This time though, I'm smaller. The reasons have changed. I'm ready to get down to what I said I was going to achieve. Here we fucking go again.