I am tired, and yet I'd stay up all night for him.

Thank you to the lovelies who commented on my last post. I am very grateful for your words of comfort. And yes Olivia, I need to have tea with you soon! Everything is ok now. I'm at a very good place emotionally in my relationship. It's full of love and commitment and sex. Yeah...lots of that. ;)

But yeah I've been much better the last few days. Last night Oliver told me he loved me for the first time and I won't lie, it pretty much erased all of the negative feelings I was having throughout the day. I don't want anyone to worry because I'm not in any danger and I feel like this is the only place I can let out something like this, but I've been scratching at my wrists. Sometimes they hurt really bad and sting for a few days after. I haven't broken skin but sometimes it just makes me feel better to claw at myself. I don't know what prompted my moods to be default depressed, but when I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long they take over and I can't shake this sense of despair I get. I get annoyed with people, but I need them to make me ok.

But enough about that, I'm feeling ok now. On Saturday I was an extra for the film I'm working on as Assistant Director. I got to be the "hot girl" at a party with her shirt off making out with a guy (Oliver, also shirtless). It was the first time I've ever been knowingly ogled at...and it felt good. I have a pic below. I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning and maybe finally start to get back into shape. I'm still looming around 120, but you all now I want to be smaller!

♥ Toni
P.S. -  photos from the shoot

him with his shirt off (ain't he sexy?)

us during a take making out on the right

P.P.S. THINSPO!

Forgive me for stating my opinion.

I will never understand casual hookups. From what I've seen you get absolutely nothing out of fucking some random person who you met one night and will never see again, or even someone you just casually see on the side. To me, sex is something that's meant to be had with emotion, in addition to romance. What would I get out of a one night stand or a fuck buddy? Momentary pleasure. That's it. Nothing else. And because of this, because of my opinions on sex, a lot of people look at me funny and think I'm against the sexually liberated women or people's sexual rights. Wrong. I love sex just as much as the next person. I just happen to have slightly old fashioned standards. Is that what we've come to as a society? That the idea of only having sex in a monogamous relationship is no longer the norm? That fucking whoever you so happen to think is hot with no concern for the consequences is now what the majority of people think is acceptable? I mean sure, I'm not going to impose on your right to have sex, but don't complain to me when something goes wrong. Don't try to tell me why you can't find a boyfriend or girlfriend, because you're stooping to everyone's level. Don't ask me why love is hard to come by, when you can plainly see why every single day. The youth of today is so focused on instant gratification. They don't want to work for anything, including love. It's disgusting.

I found out Aaron had a few hookups after we broke up. I was surprised. He knows how I feel about the matter. I asked him why he did it. He said he thought it would hell him. I asked him if it did and he said no. I asked him if he regretted it and he said yes. I said I had no sympathy, and you can see why as stated above.

In other news, I go back to school in three days. I'm very happy about this. I get to see Oliver and get to go back to the gym. I'm going to start counting my calories and lose that last 10 lbs that I put on hold for the past six months. I'm going to do it.

Sex, it's a nightmare.

Thank you for all the congrats on my last post. I can't even really fathom that I used to carry another 25 lbs on this frame.

Today, though, pretty much sucked. Oh I stuck to my eating plan, that's not the problem. I consumed only 315 calories and burned off 550 (300 dance, 250 elliptical) for a net total of -235 calories. Plus I weighed in at 121.75, so at least I'll probably make it to 121 or even less by Saturday.

My distress today comes from none other than the boyfriend himself: Aaron. And just a warning, not everyone will agree with what happened. I realize this. This is my own opinion of what I thought my relationship was about.
You know that well-perpetuated rumor that says all guys think about is sex? If a girl is even remotely hot they'll think about fucking her. If they could get away with it they'd cheat on you in a heartbeat? That they view sex as just an act and think it's not that big of a deal? Well, those rumors are true, at least when it comes to him.
I've been with Aaron over two years now, and I thought I knew his views on sex. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I know he'd feel bad. I also know he thinks that sex isn't a huge deal outside of a relationship. And yet it still stung when he told me that he regularly imagines himself fucking other girls. As in, girls he sees walking down the street that he thinks are hot. Not celebs, but every day girls who go to my school. Am I crazy for being hurt because of that, especially since I've hardly even done the same since we've been together - and when I do I feel horrible afterwards? I just thought that I was the only thing he wanted. And yes, I know the counterargument is "well he didn't actually cheat on you," but to me the thought is almost as bad.
And I think the worst part is that afterwards he just kind of ignored that I was upset at all. He didn't apologize for hurting my feelings and when I left the lounge we were in to go back to my room he just left. He didn't come to talk things through. He. Just. Ignored. Me.
That's what made me the most upset. He couldn't just say sorry, he had to make it worse.

I'm sorry for this. I just had to get it out. I have relatively liberal views on everything but sex, and I know not everyone is going to see this through my eyes. It's just nice to have somewhere to let all of this out, because I'm really not feeling good about me and him at all. I'm too attached though.

Well, here's to things being better tomorrow. I have an hour and a half class with him tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see how it goes.

I hope you all are having a much, much, much better day than me.

♥ Toni

If only life were like the pictures we spend so much time emulating...