I have just not been in the mood

I feel so lazy. All. The. Time.

So I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday. Yeah that didn't happen. Instead I ate what I'm sure added up to 2000 calories at least. Today I'm trying to control myself as much as possible. I've had a serving and a half of tapioca pudding and a serving and a half of oatmeal which is something like 375 calories total. I hope that if I do eat later it'll just be something small.

Like I said, I've been feeling lazy. So this post is super mega short. I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me. I hope I'll be able to feel better for you guys.

Youtube is amazing

Thursday has been good to me so far. I had class this morning at 10 and when I came back I had a little something to eat and came back to my room to watch True Life: I Have an Eating Disorder on Youtube. Do you know how many eating disorder-related shows users put up on that site? It's amazing. Right now I'm in the middle of Intervention: Amy P. Earlier I did a little laundry before film class section and got my first essay back. B! I'm very happy because apparently more people got Cs and below, and you need a passing grade of a B- to declare the premajor, so I'm on my way. And when I got back I had American Beauty waiting for me in my mailbox. I love Kevin Spacey and Thora Birch in anything, but this especially. If you've never seen it, go.watch.it.

Nicole: Haha you don't say. I guess we both got a little junk in our trunk. In my case my mom's Mexican, so I got a big ol' booty, but I also don't exhibit any physical traits of being Mexican except for that, so I just look like a white girl with a big butt.

Ok so despite how relatively happy I am right now I'm so not in the mood for calculating my calories. It's just a hassle. I'm pretty sure I kept it around 800 calories though. For lunch I had a very small piece of cheese pizza (really small), 1 bite of some Indian chicken thing, 3 deviled egg halves, a small cobb salad with no dressing (but only with some tomato, 2 slices of avocado, and some bacon bits; no cheese, chicken, or egg), 10ish oz of orange juice, and a cone of chocolate/strawberry frozen yogurt. That all came to about 500 calories. Dinner was half of a strip of flank steak, 8 garlic sauteed baby carrots, 2 oz of tuna, and a serving of cinnamon toast crunch cereal with 2% milk. That was probably around 350? So something around 850 calories. Yuck. I am so happy I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll be in a better eating mood tomorrow. The wonky scale in the dorm bathroom put me at anywhere from 129-132 lbs, so I'm wishing for a good weigh-in.

Oh and hello to my new follower! Welcome, I hope you enjoy your stay. =)

Until tomorrow,
♥ Toni

P.S.- My neck has been feeling really sore lately and cracking a lot. Does anyone have any tips for making it feel better?

Damn Tacos

Hi everyone, I hope you're all having a lovely Wednesday. So far my day has consisted of nothing but class and required reading, although after this post I'll be watching the rest of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978). It's one of the films I'm considering writing about for my film essay (which I just found out is due in two weeks, not one). You know, aliens as a representation of communism during the Cold War, the idea of conforming to society, yadda yadda yadda. Actually I think it should be a lot more fun than my last essay since it's my choice.

I've been starting to notice lately that my restriction mindset is finally starting to really kick in. I'm starting to feel my jeans get much looser, my belts are starting to notch tighter, the cellulite in my legs is getting less noticeable, and I can start to feel actual abs underneath the inch or so of fat I have in my belly. My weight is continuing to go down. Sometimes when I get up too fast I get lightheaded. I decline going to the dining hall half the time I'm asked. I'm feeling happier about my body, but I'm also verbally stating my happiness to others. Once I've lost another 5, 10, 15 pounds people will notice. I need to start flying under the radar when it comes to weight or else I'm sure someone will ask about it. I'm not sure if it was a mistake to tell Aaron I want to someday be 112 pounds as he likes my bigger body, but I think I reassured him when I said the healthy BMI range for my height is between 95 and 127 lbs, and I'm currently 5 lbs over that.

I had no time to go to the gym today, but I did do some intense stretching (if there is such a thing) for 20 minutes. At least it burned some calories - about 65. I really wanted my intake to be under 500 today, and it would have been if I hadn't eaten a damn taco and chips for dinner. Lunch was light-ish. I had 3 pieces of sushi (110 cal), a ciabatta roll (I think; it closely resembled ciabatta) (160 cal), a small salad with 1 1/2 tbsp ranch dressing (120 cal), and 3 bites of mac-n-cheese (30) for a lunch total of 420 calories. Between that and dinner I had a mint and a stick of gum (10 cal). I was planning on forgoing dinner altogether, so I have no idea why I ate. The food wasn't even that great. Well I already said I had a taco (150 cal) and a couple of tortilla chips with guacamole (60 cal), plus a few spoonfuls of veggie rice soup (25 cal) for a dinner total of 235 calories. Total for the day was 665 minus the 65 calories I burned comes to 600 calories. Hmph. Not good enough today. Well if I can I'll be going to the gym tomorrow and restricting as much as I can (but I'm definitely going to eat beforehand this time).

Alright, time for everyone's favorite part, thinspo!

I can't wait to roll my cotton shorts 3 or 4

times and my huge badonkadonk not peek out.

So much space between those thighs!

If you guessed that today's theme is girls with cute butts, then you are correct! Thin girls (if they aren't stuck with flat or square butts) almst always have a cute little bubble butt. I've always wanted one, but I've been stuck with my mom's bootylicious genes for as long as I can remember.

Wishing a wonderful evening to all,

♥ Toni

P.S. - How could I forget?! Hello to my new followers. =)

Thank you for your support and joining me on this journey, it means a lot. ^__^

t-t-t-Tuesday

I just want to say thank you all for putting up with my 2 a.m. freak out last night. Big shout out to Olivia Lee for always giving me words of encouragement. =)

Ok so in retrospect I really should have eaten before going to the gym today. I've had a headache ever since I got off the elliptical! At least I had a deficit of 710 calories to start the day. Alright so I'm not positive about this, but I think I'm starting to get that extra-sensory perception about other girls... Today while I was eating lunch with Aaron I saw this beautiful, thin girl come and sit down by herself and eat. All she had was a banana (which I didn't see her touch) and a small salad, which took her 15 minutes to eat. She ate very slowly and chewed a lot. What do you guys think?

So with my awesome 710 calorie burn today I got on the scale to see 132.5. Down a pound and a half. Woot! Lunch was ok. Lots of carbs. I had a small plate of spaghetti with red sauce (80 cal), a few bites of cheese ravioli (45 cal), 1/6 of a cheese quesadilla (they cut it up into little triangles, 100 cal), a smallish salad with veggies and 1 1/2 tbsp of ranch (150 cal), and a few bites of eggplant and a couple sips of Aaron's Shirley Temple (60 cal) for a lunch total of 435 calories. I wasn't planning on eating anything else but by the time dinner rolled around I gave in. I ended up with a fried fish fillet (130 cal), 5 tortilla chips with guacamole (85 cal), a small piece of apple strudel (70), and when I got back to my dorm Jenna gave me a Samoa (70 cal) for a dinner total of 355 calories. Add in the workout and you get 80 calories. What a relief.

I'm sorry to say I'm going to have to leave it at that. No thinspo today. =(
I have lots of reading to do for film class, plus I've yet to pick out a movie for my upcoming essay (due next Thursday!), so Netflix here I come.

Goodnight angels.
♥ Toni

High School

Ugh I know it's almost 2 in the morning but I was Formspring creeping on all of the girl I used to know in high school who are still in high school themselves (most are seniors) and I noticed that for the most part they're all pretty, thin, and happy. I feel like I totally missed out on 4 years of happiness because I wasn't trying to control my weight. I just accepted this fact that I would never be thin and let myself think that for 4 straight years.

Now I'm in college and life is so different. There isn't this pressing matter of whether or not you're popular and thin at my particular university, but that's kind of what I miss. I do want to be thinner, and I'm doing well on my goals, but I'm not in an exclusive sorority or surrounded by beautiful people all the time, so trying to achieve this perfect weight almost seems like it's just something to do. Sure I'll get to wear clothes that flatter me and be all around more self confident, but there is no "popular" in college. I don't go out and party in clubs (nor am I friends with people who do), and I've already got a great boyfriend so there's no need to impress anyone.

God...I feel so shallow. Why am I complaining? I have a pretty ok life now. Maybe that's it though, I'm only starting to improve myself after eeverything else fell into place. No more worrying about boys or popularity, but I do think I missed out on trying to be that in high school. I think I missed out on making friends and being social by not trying hard enough. I do love the friends I made, and I do love my boyfriend. I just know there's a whole untapped potential I had that I'll never get to go back to. There are always high school reunions I suppose, but those aren't for another 4 years at least.

I'm sorry to go on this rant. It's this whole societal thing Americans (and even more so since I live in California of all paces) that if you're not popular in high school then you're nothing. I was always on the fringes but never got to it. I'm here now, and I'm trying to be better. I guess that's really all I can do.

Hayden and Frieda

Hello lovelies! So much like the rest of the weekend, today wasn't overtly interesting. I finally had to pack all my things from Aaron's dorm and go back to my own as I had a film crew shoot today at 5. It wasn't anything flashy, just the director and cinematographer plotting shots and such. Afterwards I watched the Amanda Knox LMN movie. It stars Hayden Panettiere. I loooove her because she's only an inch taller than me at 5'1." She's got a pretty petite frame, probably around 115 lbs, although it seems that she has a lot more muscle than fat. Not exactly where I want to be since I've never really liked athletic builds on super short girls (especially on myself), but she's still a lot smaller than I am (a size 4!).

Athletic Hayden:

Intake wasn't too bad today. I really only had one full meal today (which I had with Aaron and a few of his friends). I had a serving of frosted flakes with 2 oz of reduced fat milk (140 cal), a small banana nut muffin with a tiny amount of butter (180 cal), and 8 oz of chocolate milk with reduced fat milk (140 cal) for a breakfast total of 480 calories. For a snack I had a 140 cal trail mix bar, and after I got home from the film shoot I had a whole can of chicken broth. The entire thing was only 20 calories! Then for desert I had a 40 cal lollipop and a piece of chocolate (35 cal). Total for the day: 695 calories. I thought I would have had less, but it's not terrible for not going to the gym, plus I weighed myself before taking a shower this afternoon (so after I already ingested the almost 500 calorie breakfast) and it came up to be 131 lbs. I'm not counting it as a weigh in because this scale is really only an estimate with an error of 1-2 lbs of where I'm really at, but I was happy to see that number. We'll just have to see if tomorrow's gym time will actually get me to 131. Crossing my fingers!

In other news I'm now currently obsessed with Frieda Rose. I've been noticing for a while that I've had a few pictures of the same girl in my thinspo folder, and I just recently learned who she is. Apparently she's an Australian model who has literally hundreds of pictures of herself on the internet, so I got a ton of new thinspo for myself and all of you (her ModelMayhem profile says she's 5'9" and 95 lbs!). I hope you enjoy Frieda Rose day. =)

She's got such small arms, even when

they're pressed up against her side:

 I absolutely adore this photo:

So the first three were the originals in my folder, and the rest are ones I got after searching google and blogs and websites. Frieda Rose (to me) totally emanates being pretty, stylish, and thin. She seems happy in all of her pictures and is one of the most naturally beautiful girls I've ever seen and she needs almost no makeup to flaunt that gorgeous face. Ah, I'm rambling. I'll just say that she will probably be appearing in a lot of my thinspo in the future. =)

Well I'm off to bed, goodnight girlies.

 ♥ Toni

Homework Day!

Hey girlies. Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Thank you for all the comments to yesterday's post, I really appreciated them (it's nice to know when we all reach our goal weights we'll be all over the place in giant sweaters ^_^). And a big congrats to those who reached their own mini goals over the weekend! =)

Sadly I couldn't go to the gym today due to massive amounts of homework (and it's also closed tomorrow for the holiday, looks like I'm sticking to restricting until Tuesday). I have 200 pages in a book, 40 pages in a chapter, and dozens of pages in articles to read for classes by Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus I have a film essay due in two weeks. We have to analyze a film's form in relation to its ideology. Any suggestions? I was thinking about doing a film like American Beauty or The Shawshank Redemption. They're both high on my favorite movie list.

Anyway I only went to the dining hall twice today. Fortunately there wasn't much there that I wanted, so I think I ate. For lunch I had about 150 cal worth of mac-n-cheese. It was baked but I put all the breading to the side (it didn't taste very good anyway). I also had a small salad with a few slices of cucumber and 1/2 tbsp of cesar dressing (45 cal) and about 4 oz of oatmeal with brown sugar (115 cal) for a lunch total of 310 calories. Dinner was slightly worse. I had another salad (medium sized) with 1/2 tbsp sunflower seeds, 2 pieces of baby corn, some slices of cucumber, 3/4 tbsp feta cheese, and 1.25 tbsp ranch (160 cal), a small slice of cheese pizza (150 cal), and a small slice of apple, cranberry, and strawberry pie (250 cal) for a dinner total of 560 calories, which means my grand total is 870 calories. Ugh, not what I wanted today but what can you do? I always feel like I eat more when it's rainy outside.

But on to prettier thing, like thinspo!

I'm not sure you'll need much help in guessing the theme of tonight's bunch. ;) If only we could all look that good without a top on...

Well goodnight ladies and have a great tomorrow. =)

♥ Toni

GOAL #2 REACHED!!!!!! *cue happy dance*

I think the title explains how my day went. Despite breaking the promise I made to myself last night for the movie (I ate something like 250 cal worth of popcorn) I was 134 lbs. after my workout! I was so ready to see a gain, actually I really didn't know where I'd be so I was pretty damn stoked.

The Room last night was amazing. For those of you who don't know it's this terrible movie (constant subplots that go nowhere, horrible green screen effects, numerous establishing shots for one scene, crazy acting, I could go on and on and on) made in 2003 that has since garnered a cult following similar to Rocky Horror. People yell back to the screen (with hilarious insults I might add), throw plastic spoons and footballs (referencing elements of the movie) and quote the dialogue. It was probably one of the funniest movie experiences I've ever had. If any of you have it playing at your theater any time soon, go see it. You'll have no idea what you're in for.

Today, however was fairly quiet. Aaron's roommates are gone for the 3-day weekend so I've been staying over at his dorm. All the dining halls close early this weekend so food won't be terrible (and I'll be eating early dinners). Today before my workout I had a light lunch with one kiwi (40 cal), a few spoonfuls of tomato soup (50 cal), a few bites of Aaron's pancake (30 cal) and a medium salad with tomato, radish, carrot, sunflower seeds, baby corn, and 2 tbsp of ranch (180 cal) for a total of 300 calories. Dinner was terrible considering the condensed dining options. I ended up with two chicken tender things (200 cal), 3/4 of a burrito (probably another 200), 1 1/2 servings of generic lucky charms (110 cal) with 2 oz reduced fat milk (30 oz), and 1 1/2 fudge brownies (150ish) for a total of 690 calories. With my workout (-705 cardio, stretching, and ab/glute/arm workout) it comes to a grand total of 285 calories.

And to celebrate I wanted to share some thinspo that has really been inspiring me lately:



 I've never been keen on celeb thinspo, but I love this photo of

Monica Bellucci (especially her belly button for some reason).

 Being thin + tan = looking great in white shorts.



I love it that thin girls still look thin under massive sweaters.

 I really want to get a chunky sweater once I reach my ultimate goal weight.

Not quite thinspo, but her face screams beautiful, perfect, and thin.

 Legwarmers! Also something I want once I reach my UGW.

Well that's it for now ladies. I hope your day has been as good as mine. If not I'm sending you all feel good vibes for tomorrow!

♥ Toni

P.S. - As promised I will now be posting my weigh-in stats every time I go to the gym. Stay tuned! =)

Movie tonight!

Alright so last post I clocked in around 500 calories. Since this afternoon I took Olivia Lee's advice (have mostly liquids the rest of the day) and had 3/4 of a cup of garbanzo bean/potato soup and 3/4 of a cup of tapioca pudding. Problem is there was no nutrition label (like there usually is) for the soup and it was a vegi-based soup so I'm going to count it as 100 calories. The pudding was around 160 calories, bringing total count to 760 calories for the day. Meh, could have been better.

I did have a different type of tea today - mint tea. It was pretty good. I think I like it as much as green tea surprisingly.

Other than that I didn't do much except catch up on blogs (A Thin Journey, Count My Bones, and Almost Skinny Vegan). It irks me when I follow a blog and don't read all the past entries. I'm one of those people who has to start something from the beginning. I can't watch a show from the middle of a season or watch movie sagas out of order.

In a few minutes I'm going to leave to go out with Aaron and about half my hall to see The Room. I haven't seen it yet and if you've ever heard of this movie you know it's reputation: exceptionally terrible. I can't wait! Send me skinny thoughts so I don't cave in and get a candy!

Ugh I wish I had time for thinspo but I have to leave! I promise more soon.

Have a lovely night ladies. =)
~Toni

Rain, The Office, Food

Last night was my weekly sleepover at Aaron's. We usually watch the new episode of The Office and cuddle. And for once I got a good night's sleep, thanks to his roommate not being up all night playing WOW. And I guess last night was also what my university calls First Rain. I'm surprised it didn't happen first quarter, but there hasn't been much rain until now. First Rain happens on a weeknight when it's been reining from 8-10 pm and then everyone goes running naked. Thankfully I wasn't in my dorm to see all my hall mates semi/naked and not many people in Aaron's dorm participated, but I heard there was quite a giant blob of flesh running around at 11 pm last night...

Well yesterday's intake wasn't so bad. I managed to have just an apple (95 cal), trail mix bar (120 cal), and half a banana (35 cal) for breakfast: 250 calories. It was dinner that got me. I started with a medium sized salad with 2 tbs of ranch (200 cal) and 6 oz of miso soup (30 cal). But then I decided to have some vanilla creme cake (???, maybe 200 cal) and a baked potato with sour cream and cheese (170 cal). Not good. That brings me up to about 850 calories for the day. And the worst part is that I felt super full after dinner. When I look back I see that it wasn't even that much. I felt full after the salad and soup but I still wanted to eat. Ugh...

Breakfast this morning was filling too. I had 3/4 of an apple fritter (225 cal), a small banana nut muffin (155 cal), 4 small slices of pineapple (40 cal), and 6oz of hot chocolate (80 cal). Total for breakfast: 500 calories already. I'm still trying to come down off it and Aaron wanted to eat again. I may just have tea the rest of the day. I really want to get to 134 by tomorrow's gym weigh in, but I think I may just gain a pound. Oh well. I'll keep you all posted and have some thinspo later for all you lovelies.

Piece of crap drier ruined part of my night

So 3 new followers! That brings it up to 14. Thanks lovely ladies for joining. I've been having a somewhat disappointing evening and logging in today made it much better. =)

Most of today was taken up by class, homework, or cleaning. Class was ok as usual, homework was lighter than usual, and laundry was unusually frustrating. First off I did two loads: one for regular every day clothing and one for workout clothing. One washed and dried fine, the other came out damp, so I had to put more money on my card to dry it again. I put a dollar on it and the machine ate it up. It took my dollar and didn't start the dry cycle. So I added more money and waited 20 minutes for it to dry. The whole thing took an extra hour than it should have. Stupid, shoddy university utilities...

But besides that it's been an alright day. In retrospect I didn't have much to eat - only three items altogether...but the calories are probably high. Breakfast was a Belgian waffle with walnuts, butter and syrup (440 cal), and dinner was a soft pretzel (400 cal) and 3/4 of an Italian sausage (170 cal) (what can I say, the dining hall actually did alright for once). That adds up to 1010 calories. I could be exaggerating a little though. I don't feel like I ate over 1000 calories today...hm. I'll definitely do better tomorrow. Probably fruit on the go for breakfast and soup for lunch. I'll keep you all posted on that one.

I'm forgoing thinspo tonight because I need to go out and find some more. Haha wish me luck.

Well I'm off to go read blogs. Goodnight beautifuls. =)

~Toni

The Weigh-In

So I was dreading the inevitable weigh-in I knew I would have to face after I went to the gym today. After this weekend I thought the damage might be 2 or 3 pounds, enough to undo an entire week's worth of restrictive work. So I got on the scale and saw...-1.5 lbs!!! You don't even know how excited I was. I was shaking all the way home because I was so relieved. I'm just a hair away from my next goal: 134 lbs. I was so glad to know that my pants actually did feel looser and my belt was easier to notch - it wasn't all in my head. Despite losing weight I still have this fear that I'll have to wiggle and jump to get into my jeans and the digging my bra creates will be visible underneath my shirt. I can't wait until I'm thin enough to feel good in shorts and a bikini.

My intake was much lower today than days' past. For breakfast I had 2 small kiwi's (45 cal) and 2 cups of green tea. My snack today was two bite-sized tootsie rolls, half of a granola bar and a valentine's lollipop (160 cal). For dinner I had 1.5 oz of lamb (80 cal) and a small chicken breast, cheese, and pesto sandwich (350ish calories). With -410 calories from my cardio workout my total today is 225 calories. Coupled with the fact that all my classes were over at noon I had a very good day.

And now some thinspo:

 Such a perfect body:

Bikini-themed to get us all pumped for summer weather. I know some parts of the country are heaped with snow, but other than the occasional cold-spell we're getting warmer and warmer weather here in Cali. Well, I should go start my homework...there goes my night.

Thinking thin,
~Toni